BIG goggle vs. SMALL goggles and how I overcame

Sometimes we do things a certain way in life just because that is the way we have always done it. It's comfortable. It works. Why try a new way when we are fine with how we've always done it? This fact reminds me of a story.

There was a lady who would always cut off the ends of her ham before putting it into the pan. Her daughter, ovvserving this, asked her why she did this. Her mom answered, "because that is how your grandma does it." She went to her grandma and asked her. She answered, 'because that's how your great grandma always did it." She went and asked her great grandma and she answered, "I do it that way because my pan is too small and to get it to fit I need to cut off the ends."

There was a logical reason in the beginning for the ends of the ham to be cut off, but as the years went by and pans got bigger there was no reason to continue to cut off the ends of the ham. It's just what this family knew, what was comfortable for them, what was done, no questions asked.



Recently, someone asked me why I use the Big Aqua Sphere goggles when I swim. The answer was easy, "because I'm claustrophobic in the water and I've always swam with BIG goggles. That's how I'm comfortable in the water." That was an answer I have given several times. That's just how it is. I've been wearing BIG goggles for pretty much my whole triathlon career. That's 3 years. There is no reason for me to change now. I don't want to take a chance and mess things up, afterll, I have come so far in the pool and with my swimming. Why would I chance it, right? I'm good and anyway, I'm claustrophobic in the water, or am I?

Last week I couldn't find my BIG goggles. I always put them inthe same gym bag pocket. They were not there. I realized I had left my swim class in a hurry to get home and left them on the bench in the locer room, so before my next class I checked both lost and founds and found nothing. I was starting to worry. What would I do? How would I swim without my BIG goggles?

I always keep a spare pair of goggles in my gym bag. They are a very SMALL, tinted, not clear and BIG, and remember, I'm claustrophobic in the water. WIth no BIG, clear, goggles in sight I put on my SMALL, tinted, goggles. I did this with some hesitation and with some anxiety. I went under the water and because of the tint it was a lot darker under there then usual. I went under a second time and pushed off the wall and was on my way.



I was as strong as ever. I was doing it. With no more anxiety in sight I was on my way. I wanted to finish 500 yards before my swim coach arrived. I was almost done when she came to the edge of the pool and got my attention. She said, "Hey, Melissa, Val found your goggles in the locker room on Monday. She'll be bringing them today!" I was so excited that my goggles had been found. I swam away, still wearing my SMALL goggles and finished my last 100 yards. I was very happy about my BIG goggles being found, but as I finished that last 100 yards I started to wonder, did I need my BIG goggles anymore?

At my largest I was 306 pounds. I've always done things a certain way. I realized I have gotten pretty comfortable with how I have done things. Afterall, that's how I do things. Why change? It's been working for 3 years for me. I didn't need to change. Maybe I didn't want to change. If you change you have to step up and accept new challenges. Was I ready for new challenges or did I just want to keep doing things that way I had done them up until now. I didn't know. It was a lot to think about.

Val came in with my BIG goggles. I quickly changed goggles and swam another 50 and realized that I did not like how they felt anymore. I put my SMALL goggles back on and finished my workout. What was happening? I've always been claustrophobic in the water. I've always needed BIG,clear, goggles. That is who I have always been as a swimmer. I was scared, I was nervous. What did this mean? How would this change me. As I swam 2550 yards that day in my SMALL, tinted, goggles something changed in me in a BIG way.

I have swam a couple times since this day. I have my BIG goggles on the side of the pool and swim with my SMALL goggles on. I want to keep those goggles in sight while I swim. To me my BIG goggles signify me when I was 306 pounds. When I was less confident, scared, and anxious. I will always be grateful to those goggles for helping me get over the fear of putting my face in the water. I did my first flip turn in those goggles. I swam 1000 yards without stopping in those goggles, but now I am a new person. I have lost 70 pounds. I have a new excitement in my training, in my being, in who I am becoming. I do not need to cling onto the old me. I do not need to do things JUST BECAUSE that's how I've always done them. That is not me anymore. Coach Bob, keeps telling me I'm a new athlete and today in the pool I am more than ever. I have retired my BIG goggles, but I will never forget them. I will never forget who I was, but I will never go back there. I have retired the old me and am excited about who I am today and who I am becoming. Will there be hard days in the pool? Yes. Will I have hard days with my training? Yes. Will I have hard days with my eating? Yes. However, this time I will react differently. I will not let those hard days get me down. I will never look at life through BIG goggles again. I look forward to and welcome challenges and look forward to the outcome.

Watch out world. I'm on my way.

WEIGHT WATCHERS UDATE

I LOST 9 pounds this past week.

My total weight loss to date is 70.8 pounds.

I now weigh 235 pounds. I went from the 240's to the 230's this week.

My goal this week was to hit 65 pounds lost and I hit 70. Wahoooo!!

My first weight loss goal is to hit 130 pounds lost, so with this weigh in this week I have hit over half way to my first goal of 130 lost.

Wahhhhooooooo!! I'm so excited. Thanks everyone for your constant support and encouragement. You are all the best and I couldn't do this without you.

I can do ANYTHING now!!

Wow, exciting times are happening. I have had a lot happen in the last few days. It’s exciting. I’m like a kid at Christmas and considering it’s December already I guess that’s an appropriate analogy.

Something has just switched on in my brain. I’ve gone from someone who never thought I deserved happiness to someone who knows I deserve it. I’ve gone from someone who constantly was saying, “I can’t” to someone who says, “Bring it on.” I was the person who used to say, “Who me?” Now I say, “Why not me?” I can do whatever I set my mind to and no one or anything is going to stop me.

This change has been in the process of happening for sometime now, but really started taking root on November 22, 2009. That day I was volunteering at Ironman Arizona and while working the finish line I got to witness a part of history being made. I watched Rudy Garcia cross the finish line. He is a double amputee above the knee. He is about 23 years old and finishing an Ironman has been a goal of his. He tried in October in Hawaii, but did not make the bike cutoff. He was determined just a month later to finish in Arizona and he did. He is the first double amputee above the knee to reach this goal. I got to see him cross the finish line. I got to hear him interviewed after crossing the finish line. I got to shake his hand as he made his way through the finish line area (see above picture). I got to look him in the eye and tell him that he inspires me and many others. He said, “thanks.” Really, though, it should be me thanking him. That was the start of my change. That was the moment in time that I will remember for years to come.

Here is a young man who had every reason to stay at home and feel sorry for himself. What did he do to deserve not having legs? Why him? What’s the point in going on? The point is for moments like these. An overweight woman with big dreams, dreams of finally becoming healthy and fit and completing an Ironman seeing a young man with no legs reaching his goals. I’m sure that Rudy had people tell him he is crazy. I’m sure people told him he couldn’t do what he wanted to accomplish, but he didn’t listen and he has reached goal after goal including an Ironman finish.

I was almost 300 pounds when I first told people that I would be completing an Ironman by the time I turned 40. People thought and some still think that I am crazy. There will always be those critics. I could have just stayed almost 300 pounds and not cared. I have been dealt some tough cards in my life and I could have used those as my excuses for not reaching my goals, but like Rudy, I will overcome those obstacles and reach my goals. If Rudy, who doesn’t have any legs, can finish an Ironman and reach his goals, then what is stopping me?

When I started this journey I was 306.2 pounds. Today I am 238 pounds. I do not even know the last time I was in the 230’s. I am doing it. My dreams are no longer dreams they are my reality. I am living again. I am happy again. I have noticed in the last couple months and especially today I walk a little taller, a little prouder. I walk with my head held high. I do not hunch my shoulders anymore. I noticed that I walk with confidence. It has been a long time since I have been able to to that. I am proud of who I am and what I am becoming.

This past weekend was a real breakthrough for me. I worked out with my Coach, Bob, on Saturday and Sunday. Saturday, he really pushed me in the pool. As you all know the pool and I do not always get along. I was nervous, but I pushed through and had a great swim. I mean there was points where Bob was bumping my feet, making me do flip turns, and some crazy drills, that will help me prepare for triathlon swims. I was tired, I was nervous, but most importantly I was doing it. Just a few months ago I was still having trouble putting my face in the water, but now I am doing it. I am a new person and a new athlete. It’s amazing. I’m not even the same person.

Sunday he invited me to do a computrainer workout on my bike with him at a bike shop nearby. That’s where your bike gets put on a trainer and makes your bike like a stationary bike. The computer than makes the ride harder and easier as if you were riding outside. I was nervous. There would be people there I didn’t know. Would I be the biggest one in the class? What would people think of my bike? Could I keep up? It was a new type of workout. Would I be able to do it? Would I talk myself out of going? Should I even think that I could do it? I told Bob I was nervous, but I was going to come. I even called Darlene on the way there and told her that I was getting more and more nervous the closer I got to the store. I was running late and even called the store hoping that Bob would say I was too late and that I would have to come another time. Guess what? I wasn’t too late. He told me it was fine and to just keep heading his way. I had no more excuses.

I got there, got my bike set up, and got underway. This was one of the hardest workouts I had ever done. It was supposed to be a 90 minute workout, but Bob told me I would probably make it to an hour and that was ok. When I got to the hour mark I pushed on and finished the whole 90 minutes. Bob was really proud of how I did and I remember him saying something to the affect of, “You just put your big girl pants on.” I came away from that workout a different person. I had turned a corner in my training and in my thoughts. I now knew that I could do anything, ANYTHING, that I put my mind too. Just like Rudy Garcia put his mind to finishing Ironman Arizona, I will be able to reach my goals because now I know I can.

I have so much more that I want to write about. So much more that is just bubbling over, but I will save that for another day. Good Night.

Control

So I have been told that I need to not worry about those things or situations that I can't control.
I have complained to friends about certain situations and they have asked me, "Melissa, what can you do about it?" I answered, "Nothing." So they encouraged me not to worry about it.

It's the same with certain people in my life. I can't change them. I can't control what they say or do, so I have been working on not worrying about those people as well.

The problem I have with this is that the things in my life that I have no control over have controlled my life. When I was a child and things happened to me, or people did certain things, I couldn't control them, but they have molded me into who I am today. I was a kid. I had no choice in things that happened. They happened. They are part of my history, so what am I going to do about that today?

Put them behind me. That is what I am going to do. My past is just that, my past. I can't change what has happened in my life, but I can move on and change how I will respond and react to things in the future. I have held on to my past and my circumstances in my life and let them define me for too long. I have been great my whole life at just shoving my feelings down and am done doing that.

The one thing that I can control in my life is me. I can control how I react to situations. I can control what I do with my day. I need to be done relying on other people. It is great to have people in my life, but I have to realize that in the end the only person that is going to be there day after day is me, so I need to work on myself and taking care of myself and when things come along that I cannot control I will be strong enough to handle them and not let me get sidetracked as I have been in the past. If I can't control it, I"m not going to let it control me.

As you all know I will be doing Ironman Wisconsin in 2012. I was thinking about the whole control thing and racing. In a race whether it is a sprint distance triathlon or an Ironman you cannot control what happens to you. You can plan for your race down to every detail, but you toe the starting line and anything can happen. You can get sick, get a flat tire, twist your ankle, anything. How you react to it will make all the difference. If you let what happens to you on race day side rail you, you will never reach your goal, the finish line. If you let what happens to you in life side rail you, you will not reach your goals.

Today I am choosing to take back control of my life. I am choosing not to let others control what happens to me. My past is my past, but today starts the rest of my life. I am excited about things that are happening in my life. I am the happiest I have been in the longest time. I am a new person and I look forward with anticipation what my future holds.

ATTITUDE

ATTITUDE
by: Charles Swindoll

The longer I live, the more I realize the impact of attitude on life.

Attitude, to me, is more important than facts. It is more important than the past, than education, than money, than circumstances, than failures, than successes, than what other people think or say or do. It is more important than appearance, giftedness or skill. It will make or break a company... a church... a home.

The remarkable thing is we have a choice every day regarding the attitude we will embrace for that day. We cannot change our past... we cannot change the fact that people will act in a certain way. We cannot change the inevitable. The only thing we can do is play on the one string we have, and that is our attitude... I am convinced that life is 10% what happens to me and 90% how I react to it.

And so it is with you... we are in charge of our attitudes.

My wonderful Hubby

About a month ago I threw this crazy idea out to Keith. Here is how the conversation went.:

Me: Honey, now I want to throw an idea out and please don’t dismiss it right away. Remember I mentioned I would love to go to Ironman Arizona this year. Well, it’s coming up. I was wondering if there is anyway I could possibly go? I have a friend doing it. I have a place lined up to stay and a friend says I can use his car the whole time I am there, so I will not need a hotel or a rental care and you have always said that you have a bazillion frequent flyer miles and you won’t have to get me anything for Christmas. So, (Pause), what do you think? (Crossing fingers behind back and praying). I know there are some things that we’ve wanted to get done around the house and I will do those before I leave.

Keith: I’m open to it. But if my miles won’t work and they are going to charge us to use my miles the answer is no.

Me: That’s fine. I’m just excited you would even consider it.

Keith: Remember not getting too excited. So, when is it.?

Me: The race is November 22 and Well, my friend Andy is doing the race and having a party on Friday night that I would like to go to and meet up with all my blogger friends (who I have come to conclusion are, for the most part, not my blogger friends anymore, but rather my facebook friends. HAHA), then the race is on Sunday and I will be volunteering at the finish line until Midnight, so however you want to schedule that would be fine and if I have to miss the party that’s ok too.

Keith: Let me see what I can do? (leaves for awhile, comes back.) Ok, how about leave on Thursday, November 19th and fly home the 24th?

Me: Um, Yeah, that’s great!! (Inside I was screaming WAHHHHHHOOOOOOOOOO!!! )

Keith: Ok, I’m hitting submit.

Me: OK (Inside I was screaming. EEEEEEEEEEEeeeeeeeeeee!!!!)

Keith: Stay focused now, you have a lot of work to do between now and November 19th.

Me: Thank you (Screaming on the inside again and a little bit on the outside). Grabbed my phone and started calling and texting all my triathlon friends, grabbed my computer to face book, texted people and was like a little kid the whole night. I didn’t sleep much that night.


So today is November 19th and I’m on the plane heading to Denver for a layover and then on to Phoenix.

One thing that I have realized over the last few weeks is how much I take my dear, sweet, loving husband for granted. He works so hard for our family and I respect and love him so much for that. I don’t tell him enough.

Lately, I have had my focus on getting healthy and triathloning that I have let other things slide. I have never been one to have much balance in my life. I go at things all out and in the process let other things slide. I am getting better at the balance thing, but it is a process in my life just like everything else I have been dealing with lately (weight loss, counseling, etc.).

I have the most patient husband while I figure this all out. I know that he has been frustrated lately with it all and the fact that he has been frustrated and also supportive of this trip is just AMAZING to me. I don’t know if any other husband would be as supportive as mine. He is so supportive and yet there are times I look right past it and get frustrated with him. Not cool. Today as I’m flying out to Phoenix I am realizing just how incredible this man is. I mean I know he is incredible, supportive, loving, patient, the best dad ever, and my biggest cheerleader, but lately, with our busy lives, I have not been as appreciative as I should be.

Keith, I know I frustrate you sometimes, but no matter what you love me unconditionally NO MATTER WHAT. That’s huge. You are patient with me. You stand by my side, and you know that I am trying and you have been encouraging me to keep trying and to keep getting better in this area. Thank you for your unconditional love, your patience, your kindness, your thoughtfulness, and for being my biggest cheerleader.

As most of you know I have trouble flying due to my claustrophobia. I have figured out my triggers on planes and it has been a long time since I’ve had a panic attack on a plane. I realized this morning after looking at my boarding passes that all my seats were in the back of the plane and not aisle seats. I have figured out that I need to be towards the front of the plane. If I am towards the back and have to look forward at everyone in the plane it becomes a problem. I usually use a mask to black out the light and my IPOD to block out the noise. I had my mask, but have lost my IPOD. I started panicking at home and in the car on the way to the airport. Keith was so sweet. He told me not to think about it until I had to or I would have a bad flight because I was working myself up.

He told me to tell him about my trip. I told him all about the hike I was taking, who I was meeting, my blogger meet ups, the party, where I was volunteering, and it worked I quit worrying about my flight and was enjoying myself. He called me while I was at the airport to check in with me. I was able to change my seat and move closer to the front of the plane and got an aisle seat. I called him from the plane and got some more reassurance from him. My flight so far has been uneventful. Again, my wonderful husband came through for me. He had a meeting to get to and could have told me he couldn’t talk or just not take my call, but he didn’t. He helped me through it and it was wonderful. Thanks Keith for helping me through my hard time this morning and helping me relax for my flight. You’re the BEST!!

There is a little TV in the back of the seat in front of me and I have the map channel on and there is a little plane flying across the country. We are about to cross over into Colorado. Yay!! I have almost a 4 hour layover in Denver. I get to see my brother Karl, my sis-n-law, Sara and most importantly my 3 year old nephew,Luke. They used to live 4 doors down from us and just moved to Colorado, so it will be good to see them. I can’t wait.

Well, I will be blogging through out my trip, so make sure to keep checking back. Until then, Have a great weekend coming up. Thanks everyone for your love and support during this crazy journey I am on. I love and appreciate you all.

My friend in pain

Remember I wrote a few times about a friend of mine that is in pain.

I haven't heard from him in a loooong time.

But I just talked to someone that knows him and he got more bad news.

I'm so mad for him. I'm sad for him. I want to yell. I want to cry. When she told me the news I just felt my chest tighten up.

It just seems my friend cannot catch a break AT ALL and I'm sad and there is nothing I can do to fix it. I love to help others. I love to help them solve problems. I want everything to be ok and everyone to be ok. I don't know if that is going to be the case this time.

All I can do is sit back, pray, and wait for my friend to reach out to me. I'm here for you. I care about you. I'm hurting with you. If you need me I'm here.

BIG HUG

WW update

I lost point 4 this week
bringing my grand total up to 64 pounds lost. :)

I will be leaving on Thursday to head to Arizona to cheer on a friend at Ironman Arizona and volunteer at the race. I will also be meeting a lot of blogger friends that I have never met in person.

I found a Weight Watchers meeting on Friday at 10am that I can go to. I really wanted to be with my friends at my Weight Watchers meeting when I finally hit my 65 pounds lost because that is half way to my goal of 130 pounds lost. I am excited to go to another meeting in another state though. Maybe my story and journey can encourage someone in Arizona to keep going.

I will let you know how it goes.

Every work out can't be good, can it?

In high school I had a near drowning incident when I was on a trip with my youth group.
We headed to the Indiana Dunes to hang out with several other youth groups.
The Dunes are beautiful beaches that are along Lake Michigan.
We were there hanging out for the day and playing at the beach.
There was a sand bar way out in the lake. A bunch of us swam out there with a volleyball and decided it was a great place to play a game of water polo. We were all very competitive and I always was proud of myself that I could keep up with the guys. This day was no exception. I grabbed the ball and was about to make my move when I let go of the ball. Two guys, one a teenager, one a leader went after the ball. What they didn't realize is that I was underneath them. When they went for the ball I got pushed under the water. They were wrestling for the ball and I was trying to get up. I remember being on my back looking up and just seeing a stomach in my face. I was swallowing water and punching the guys stomach. It was very scary and I remember thinking this was it. Finally, someone pulled me up. I remember nothing else. It may have only been seconds, but it felt like a long time and it is something that has stuck with me for the rest of my life.

I still swam after that, but never with my face in the water. That's why when I realize just how far I've come with swimming I am amazed. I started a Masters Swim class this fall. It's been almost 12 weeks. The first class I had some panic type moments, hyperventilating, and shed some tears. I didn't think I could ever do it, but I did and I am doing it. On my own I have been practicing flip turns. That is where you get to the wall and to keep going you do a somersault and kick off the wall. I have a hard time with the breathing aspect of it. A few weeks ago my swimming coach had us doing them in our class and it was hard, but I was really proud of myself because I was doing it. There was one point where I did it and ran out of breath while I was way under water. I could not get up fast enough, when I surfaced I could not breathe and was a little bit disorientated. I'm not really sure what I did, but the next thing I know the lifeguard was at my side of the pool asking me if I was ok. I was and even did a few more flip turns in that work out, but I was a little, no a lot more, nervous than I had ever been before. I hate the feeling of not being able to breathe and it brings up a lot of the same feelings that day I was under the water not sure if I was going to be ok.

Yesterday, I had my swim class again. We had another flip turn drill. I hadn't practiced them since the last class we did them. I would get to the wall yesterday and just freeze. I would do my somersault and then just come straight up and not push off the wall. It was a total mental block for me. I was just having visions of the stomach in my face and me not being able to breathe. It was hard. I wanted to go home. I didn't like the feelings I was having. I wanted to do this, but just couldn't overcome the fear and feelings of panic. Even with these feelings I kept trying. I did a couple, but would pop up right away. My coach was giving me advice saying I was too close to the wall and that I needed to take a breath farther back and then go into the turn. I just can't do it. I know I will run out of breath. I know I will panic. Just writing about all of this has my heart racing.

This affected the rest of my workout. After this we did some sprint work and I was so out of breath. Having trouble, not at all wanting to be there. I told my coach I was going home. That was it. I couldn't deal with it anymore. I just didn't want to face it at all. She basically told me I would never forgive myself if I went home in the middle of a work out. She told me to just take my time, regroup, do what I needed to do, but to finish my work out. My friend Bill asked me how I was doing. Told him I wanted to go home. He told me I could do it and that it is just one work out out of how many that were yet to come? He told me I could do it and he was very encouraging. I looked at him and said, "Every work out can't be good, can it? He said no and swam away.

I don't like what happened. I don't like that I had some panic mixed with tears yesterday. I don't like that I almost quit. I don't like any of it, but what I like is that I was able to regroup, focus, and do what I needed to do to finish my work out. I do not know how long it will take to get over this fear that stems from my high school incident, but I am slowly doing it. I am doing flip turns. I am putting my face in the water. I am swimming more than I ever realized I could. I am going to succeed and I am not going to let my mind games win. I am a new athlete that has overcome so much already and will overcome this as well. I have a ton of work outs left in my life. I will have great work outs, I will have not so great work outs. What is important is that I keep working out. I will never quit and I will never be that person I used to be.

P.S. I have a question for all you triathlon types out there. If there is no flip turns in Ironman why do I even need to learn and do them? I know it will build up my speed and yardage, but just wondering are they really necessary?

My One Year Anniversary

November 8, 2008 I decided to do something about my obesity. I decided I could no longer do it on my own. I needed help and I needed to stop making excuses and just get my butt in gear and get healthy once and for all. I had watched my mom become overweight and watched her die young at the age of 53. She was overweight when she got sick and still overweight when she died.

You would think that would have been my wake up call. That would be what would have done it. My mom made me promise, on her death bed, that I would do something about my weight. She made me promise that I would not die young like she did. She begged me to get healthy, so that I would not face the same fate that she did. Well, this coming Christmas 2009 will mark 13 years since my mom's passing.

I have yo-yoed up and down year after year. I have had kids. I have gone to a fitness camp and I have been on Weight Watchers since 2003. Nothing worked because mentally I was not dealing with the WHY's of why I eat. Over the last 13 years I have gained 100 pounds if not more. At my highest I was 306 pounds. 306. That was a depressing day for me at Weight Watchers to step on that scale and see that I had reached over 300 pounds. If you would have asked me years ago if that would ever happen I would have told you NO WAY, but it has, it has.

I wish I could remember what it was that made it all clear to me on November 8, 2008, but something clicked with me. This was it I had to get healthy. The rate I was going I was on my way to the same fate as my Mom, an early death. Maybe it had something to do with not being able to do any triathlons due to a leg injury, maybe it had something to do with being tired all the time, maybe God knew I was ready to deal with it all. Whatever, the reason I made the decision to hire a coach and get going.

November 8, 2008 was a scary day for me.I was starting my journey at 297.5 pounds. I had lost 8 pounds the couple weeks before starting with my coach. Walking into that Work out studio was horrible, talking to my new coach Matt, was horrible. I just remember him saying the first few times we met, "That's an excuse, what's the real reason." "Knock off the excuses and tell me the truth." "You are so full of excuses." It was the first time that I realized in my whole life just how easy it had become to make excuses for my bad habits. I was able to justify everything and have an excuse for everything. It was a real turning point for me. I was no longer making excuses I was doing. I was being truthful with myself for the first time and I tell you the truth hurt, but as the old saying goes, The truth will set you free. I was on my way. The first few months were still very hard, but I was able to work through them and really start to be on my way.

I started my journey with my coach Matt, but as time went on and some things changed in my life, I changed coaches. Now I have a coach named Bob. I started meeting with him on August 8, 2009. Before meeting with Bob I was doing really well with my weight loss. I was starting to see major losses at the weight watchers scale. Before I knew it was up to 40 pounds lost, and on my way to 50 pounds lost. I was realizing that I was doing it and wanted it to be for real this time and not like before. I had lost 40 pounds before, but I had also gained it back and then some. What was going to make this time different? How would I do it for real? I had to face some pretty tough things in my life. What was different this time is that I was ready to face the mental aspects of my weight loss journey, which I was never ready to do. I needed to know WHY I gained over 100 pounds. Why did I turn to food when I was down? Why was food my comfort? This past summer I started exploring those questions. What I realized through all of this soul searching is that the main issue, among many, was my Mom's death. It has been almost 13 years and I hadn't dealt with her death. I got really good at telling people that I was ok and shoving it down. I got really good at looking good on the outside, but dying on the inside.

I have since started counseling. The first day I met with my counselor he said, "In a nutshell tell me why you are here? Why do you need counseling?" Here is what my answer was, "I REFUSE to ever be 306 pounds AGAIN!" We are now working on the issues that caused me to gain weight, so I will never be that way again and although the process hurts I am the happiest I have been in a long time and I can say that I will NEVER be that 306 pound person again.

November 8, 2009 was my 1 year anniversary of starting my weight loss journey for the last time. I am happy to say that in that time I have lost 63.6 pounds. I have gained great strides in my mental journey and the most exciting part of it all is I am able to help people get going on their journeys. I couldn't ask for anything else. I am getting healthy, I am happy, I am looking forward to what lies ahead. Whatever it is I know that I can do it. I'm realistic I know there will be tough days, I may turn to food in a tough time, I may not choose to get out of bed and get to the pool before the sun rises, but I will overcome those days and little by little there will be fewer and fewer of them. November 8, 2009 also is the one year anniversary of not missing a weigh in at Weight Watchers, so between my coaches, my weight watchers, and my getting counseling this is all coming together and I am very happy.

I am a new person and I am a new athlete and everything and I'm loving every minute of my journey. Those of you who know me are probably sick of me always talking about Ironman and about my Ironman in 2012, but maybe now you can understand my excitement a little better. Ironman Wisconsin 2012 will signify so much more to me than just doing a hard race. It will signify all that I have overcome both mentally and physically to get to the starting line and when I cross that finish line and hear them say, "MELISSA BLACK YOU ARE AN IRONMAN" it will signify all that I have become in life and all that I can and will be able to do. It is much more than just a race, it is my life.