My journey to Ironman Wisconsin 2013

Las Vegas Half Marathon Race Report

2012-01-27T05:54:00.000-08:00

This is a long overdue race report. I wrote most of it on the plane ride home and finished the rest of it this week. The pictures you are seeing I did not take. I lost all the pics from my Vegas trip. Sometimes technology is a pain. I found these pics on the Internet. This is when technology is awesome. Enjoy the report.

Sunday night, December 4th, 2011, I ran, jogged, and walked the Las Vegas Rock-n-Roll half marathon. It was the first time ever that the Strip was shut down, at night, for a race. That really drew a crowd. Last year the race had about 22,000 athletes, this year about 44,000. I had never been in an event of this size.

The marathon started at 4pm and the half marathon at 5:30pm. My friend, Sue Hardy, came from Illinois to hang with me for the weekend and cheer me on. We headed down t the Mandalyn Bay Parking lot for the pre-race entertainment, which was Cheap Trick. After we hung out for awhile I headed to my corral.

I was in corral 39, second to last. The race started at 5:30 and I crossed the start line at about 6:12. While we were waiting they had The Blues Brothers singing and entertaining us. That was a fun way to pass the time. The energy heading out on the race was amazing. I was in my Team Challenge gear, so there was a lot of support from the crowd.

It was neat to be running by all the familiar sights of Vegas at night under the bright lights. My plan was to start out a little bit slower and then to pick up the pace later in the race. You never really know what's going to happen until race day. I did about a 17 minute mile for the first 3 miles. I was all ready to keep going at that pace when at mile 4 1/2 my hip had decided it wanted none of this. I had some problems with my hip Saturday morning, but had iced it, stretched on Saturday and all day leading up to the race.

I was still able to slog (slow jog) it to about mile 7ish (not sure exactly) and had to start walking more than running. My goal was to finish in 3:30. At 3:30 I was at approximately mile 9 1/2-10. I was very upset that I hadn't reached my goal, but I new I would finish. Quitting is not in my vocabulary.

During races I wear a jersey that says, "I may have Crohn's, but I refuse to let Crohn's have me." It's really encouraging when people respond to it and it's even cooler when God sends someone to encourage me right at the moment I need it most.

I was approximately at mile 8, on the dark, backstreets of Old Vegas (Where bums were cheering us on) when thought of me not finishing were starting to creep in. I was trying everything to be positive, but nothing was helping. Even though I knew I wouldn't quit the thoughts were there. All of the sudden I hear from behind, "You're awesome" and someone patted me on the back.

I burst into tears because at that moment I didn't feel awesome. I felt like someone who had let herself down. I felt like I had no business being out there. I felt defeated, but then this guy comes out of nowhere and was my cheerleader until we got back to the strip. He was with his friend who had diabetes and despit foot issues was walking the race. My cheerleader's name was Will and I will always remember him.

At this point I had about a 5k left to run (3.1 miles). I was telling my body to push and give it my all, but temps had dropped, it started raining, and my legs froze up even with running tights on. This was the biggest wall I had ever hit. My mind said go, but my body said no. I was really pissed at this point.

My mind went to the dark side at this point. there were very few spectators out, aid stations were being broken down and the bands were already gone and like I said, it had started raining and the wind had picked up.

When I looked into the distance I could see a Team Challenge coach running towards me. He had on Energizer Bunny ears. The Team Challenge coaches run up and down the course helping their athletes, but what's cool is they help all Team Challenge athletes. I had about 2 miles to go and welcomed the sight of a TC coach no matter who they were coaching.

It took me only a few seconds to realize who it was. It was my coach, Brad, from Teach Challenge Illinois Napa. He helped me finish in Napa and now was able to help me finish in Las Vegas. He walked with me for a mile and then headed out to make sure his other athletes had made it in. It was fun to catch up with him and keep my mind off of the pain I was in. Again, this was God sending someone along to help me when I needed it most. He is so Awesome. The picture below is of me with Coach Brad in Napa after the race.

At another point in the race, I have no idea when, a lady came up from behind and said, "You're doing great. Keep it up." She then handed me a bracelet and headed off. I put it on and read it later in the race. It said, "MBFC fit chicks show up to their lives. I have courage. I am strong. I got this." WOW!! Again, totally a God thing. Her encouragement came when I needed it and then when I read it later it was perfect timing.

So with a mile to go I ran and walked until I could see the finish line. Then I mustered up all I could and sprinted to the finish line passing about 10 people on the way in. I was not about to walk across the finish line. One thing that kept me going is I would get my medal when I finished. I fought hard for that medal.

I crossed the finish line and went straight to a medic because I wanted to go to the medical tent and get warmed up, ice my hip, and get something to eat. Before I went to the tent I asked her where my medal was, to which she replied, "They're out, but don't worry they are going to mail you one." I burst into tears and said, "I need my medal." She brought me a marathon medal and placed it around my neck. She said I could have it until I received the other one. I took it off my neck, thanks her, but told her I didn't thing it was fair to the people that actually completed the marathon if I wore it.

Sue joined me in the medical tent until I was able to get going again. We started the long walk back to our hotel, which I think was another mile/mile and a half. As we were walking back I was really upset that I didn't have my medal. Everyone that did the race was wearing them. Everyone was congratulating each other. People would look at me and not say anything, so a couple times I told people, "I finished they ran out of medals." haha. I was bummed I couldn't advertise my accomplishment, but knew it my heart what I had overcome to finish that race and that was enough for me. I would eventually get my medal.

Sue was kind enough to stand in line and get food for me. As she did that I kept hobbling back to our room. I ate and then soaked in the tub. My thoughts turned to my life, my health, and my race. I gave myself a reality check. I WILL NOT do another ace this overweight again. I'm proud I finished, don't get me wrong, but I am not proud of ho, over the last year and 2 months I had let myself go. I promised myself then and there that things would be different in 2012. I looked out the windo at the Vegas Strip and told it I would be back next year to kick it's butt and that is what I am going to do.

I've dealt with bad health, a big move, and most recently some depression, but not it is time to move forward.

I have a good friend named Andy Shetter. In the past when I've been complaining or stuck in a hard place. He told me to:

Andy, I'm ready to SUCK IT UP, do what I need to do, and hit my goals this year.

Stay Tuned, my friends.

UPDATE

Last week I received my 1/2 Marathon Medal in the mail. Isn't it beautiful. It even glows in the dark.

VERY LONG Race Report

2011-09-22T06:22:00.000-07:00

Park City Mossman Olympic Triathlon
August 21, 2011
.9 mile swim
25 mile bike
10k run

2011 was supposed to be the year I did a half Ironman. I had one in mind. August 21, 2011, I would do the Timberman half Ironman in New Hampshire. It would give me about a month after my move to do the race, but I had decided due to my health and my move it was not the year to do a Half.

Before I even moved I talked to Darlene about coming out to the East Coast to cheer me on at my half. She talked to work and arranged a week off to come on out and cheer me on. This was before I decided that a half was not going to happen. She was still coming even though I decided not to do the half.

Once I decided that I wasn’t going to do a half I knew that I had to put a race on my calendar, so I did some looking around on the web and found the Park City Mossman Olympic Distance Triathlon and it was also on August 21, 2011, so Dar would still be able to cheer me on. It was in Bridgeport, CT, which would not be too far from my new house, so I signed up without hesitation, let my coach know and then continued to get ready for my July Half Marathon and my move at the end of July. Life was busy. I had never really read the details of the race until after I moved. That’s when the panic set in.

The swim would be in the Long Island Sound. Um, that sounds like the ocean. The bike was 5 loops, and the run was 2 loops,very flat. I liked that part, but I didn’t like the part about SWIMMING IN THE OCEAN. I brought this up to Keith and he said, “Um what part of East Coast didn’t you understand? That’s the ocean.” HAHA.

So I tried to push this out of my mind and continued to train, run a half marathon, and then move. I asked people after moving about the Long Island Sound and they reassured me, that although it is ocean water, the sound makes it very calm. Also, people told me that I would love swimming in salt water because of the buoyancy. I still wasn’t convinced about swimming in the ocean, but there was no turning back now. Before this race the only swims I had done in triathlons were in a manmade reservoir in Naperville and swimming in Lake Zurich, once. I was determined to put my fear out of my mind and take this challenge head on.

The best part about this race is that I would have my best friend, Darlene, there with me. Darlene is the one back in 2005 that told me we should do a Sprint triathlon in 2006 and we did and I’ve been hooked every since. Thanks Darlene. It was also great to have her here because I was really missing home. We hit the road and got to our hotel to begin our girls weekend of triathloning.

We got to our hotel and then headed out to packet pick up for the race. I got there and found out there were only 300 participants. I started to feel anxious because the last Olympic Distance Triathlon I had done had about the same number participants and they wanted to close the finish line and no one basically besides my family, my coach, and my friends were at the finish line that I had to beg them to keep up. I was having flashbacks to that race, but I had emailed this race director before the race letting them know my estimated time to finish and talked to them. They assured me I would have a finish line and that they never shut down until every participant finishes.

Here I am in line waiting to pick up my packet.

Here I am talking to the race directors and getting all the details worked out. I was also finding out where I could go to get a swim in the day before, so I wouldn’t have so much anxiety about swimming in the ocean.

Once I was all checked in Darlene and I went for a swim in the ocean. I was a little nervous, but then just went for it. I had her bump into me, grab my legs, and then we just had fun swimming in the ocean. It was great. Here is a shot of the ocean where I would swim for the race.

Here I am about to go in the ocean.

Here I am in the ocean. It went really well and in about 5 minutes of swimming all my anxiety was gone. I’m so glad that we did this.

We headed out to dinner and then I got to bed early to get well rested for my race.

Race Morning was here before I knew it. I had everything I needed, so we loaded up the car and headed out.

Here I am in in transition, all set up and ready to go. This would be my first race on my new Road Bike. I couldn’t wait.

Here I am getting body marked.

Well setting up transition and getting body marked I was being eaten alive by mosquitoes. It was horrible. I could not wait to get in that water. I now know for next year to pack bug spray. Somebody working the race had some and I was able to get some relief, so I headed to the beach.

The sun was just rising. It was so beautiful.

We listened to the worst rendition of the Star Spangled Banner. When the lady messed up the words she said, “Oh My God, I just messed up. Let me start over.” I wanted to yell, “Noooooooooooooo!!”

Here is a pic of me and Darlene before the race.

Then it was time to line up and start racing. Here I am right before the race started.

The swim waves were starting every 2 minutes and before I knew it it was my turn to line up. I got in the water, which was VERY warm and we were off. There was a little big of bumping, but nothing major. Darlene had grabbed and bumped me worse in our practice swim than anything that had happened in the race.

I was keeping a steady pace and pretty proud of myself at this point. At last years Olympic Distance, I was dead last out of the water. My goal this year was to do my swim in under an hour and to not be the last one out of the water.

I kept going and out of the corner of my eye I could see a young girl, maybe early 20’s, having a hard time and panicking. I swam up to her and asked her if she was ok? She told me this was her first triathlon and that she was really panicking in the swim. I told her to take some deep breaths. I knew that the next wave would be coming up behind us, so I told her to stay on the outer edge and also told her that it was ok to use any stroke. She thought you could only do freestyle. I told her she could grab onto a kayak if she needed to. She didn’t know any of this. She thanked me and told me she was ok and that I could keep going. It made me so happy that I have come far enough that I am able to help someone.

I made my way around the first buoy and that’s when I noticed a man every time I breathed to my left. He was really having a hard time. In fact a kayak was keeping tabs on him pretty close. It was at this point I knew I had at least two people behind me and it was just the boost I needed. I didn’t slow down at all. I knew I wouldn’t be the last one out of the water. I’m not saying I’m happy they were struggling, but I sure was happy they were slower than me.

I turned around the last buoy and I just had to make it to shore now. I picked up my pace a little, but was feeling a little tired at this point. I could hear Darlene on her air horn and other people cheering us in. I had finally made it.

One thing that really bothered me is that just in front of me is that there was a guy (not the same one as before) who had grabbed onto a kayak so he could take a break. This is fine to do as long as the kayak is not making any forward motion. I noticed that the young girl on the kayak was still paddling forward. I thought to myself, maybe the guy was dropping out of the race, but no, as he got closer she said, "Ok, you can stand up here now." He stood up, ran to shore and continued the race. He should have gotten a penalty for that, but I let it go and was just proud of myself that I NEVER had to hold onto a kayak for assistance and that I was not the last person out of the water. :)

Here I am coming out of the water.

Here I am in transition getting ready to head out on the bike. I don’t know if it was the salt water or what, but it was hard to get on my biking stuff while being wet. I really struggled. I had a new biking jersey that I was wearing for the first time in a race. I had trained in it, but never did a brick from swim to bike while wet, so I learned that I need to practice even things like that. I use every triathlon and experience as a learning experience and this is one thing I took away from my slow T1 time. It was frustrating. I’m thinking of biking with no socks as well, so I don’t have to deal with them after the swim. What do you all think about biking with no socks?

Here I am in Transition.

I headed out on the bike. It was right along the coast line and was beautiful. The course consisted of five 5-mile loops. I loved that it was a looping course because you don’t feel so alone even though you are last. Everyone was very encouraging.

This was the first race on my road bike and man could I tell a difference in speed. I love my new bike, however, I had not had it long enough at this point to have spent a lot of time in the saddle, so after about 15 miles certain areas were hurting very badly and also at this point my lower back was starting to hurt.

The last 10 miles were very hard and by the last lap my back was spasming and I was crying for almost the whole lap. I just couldn’t NOT cry, but I knew I was ok to keep going. There was no way this far into the race that I would quit. My back hurt, but not enough to stop. I kept going and everyone was cheering me on.

Something I learned out on the bike course is that it was time to start working on strengthening my core, so my back can handle being in the aero position and just in the road bike position in general. I also need to keep focused on my weight loss as this will help in all areas of my racing.

Darlene was there for me all 5 laps cheering me on with her air horn and words of encouragement. It really helped me stay focused and really encouraged me to keep going at times when I didn’t think I could. Thanks Darlene.

As I headed into T2 I fell over trying to dismount, between my back giving me issues, being tired and still learning to clip in and out of my new pedals I was quite the sight. HAHA. At least everyone else was out on the run course at that point. I scraped up my elbow pretty good and hurt my right hip. Great, just what I needed before a long run. You should have seen the bruise the next day on my hip. It was EPIC.

My transition from the bike to the run went a little faster, but at this point I was in some pain and needing some nutrition. I had lost a water bottle out on the bike. I drank some, ate a gel, and headed out on the run while eating a banana.

The run was a two 3-mile loops. I was heading out on my first loop, jogging and walking and not feeling well, when this young, in her early 20’s, girl ran with me for a minute. She said, “Hey, it’s you. I just wanted you to know that because of you I’m finishing this race. I’m the one that was panicking in the water. Thank you so much. Stay strong, you can finish this.” I told her no problem and then she headed off to finish her second loop. It was a great feeling to know that I had helped her, so she could finish her first triathlon ever. It's all part of my journey. Help others in the process of helping myself.

There were a few people out there finishing up there second loops and then there was me. All alone with just my thoughts and at this point they were not good. No matter how hard I tried I could not run. I got to the aid station, downed some Gatorade, and headed back it was then that this guy appeared, out of nowhere it seemed. He asked if I wanted company. I said sure. Hi name is Eugene and he said to just do what I needed to do and he would just be there for me. He was racing and doing well when he had a bike malfunction, so he couldn’t finish the race. He decided to stay and cheer people on to the finish line. I really don't remember much of what he said or I said, but it really did help me keep my mind off of the difficulties I was having at the time.

We got to the point for the turn around to start the second loop and there was Darlene and other people cheering me on. It was amazing that so many people were still there to see me to the finish line and I still probably had an hour left at this point.

Darlene snapped this picture of me and Eugene coming into the turnaround.

Someone handed me a cold rag for my neck. It was quite warm at that time. Eugene grabbed a few extra and we headed out for loop two. I told him he didn’t have to, but he did. At some point another guy joined us telling me that I inspired him ALL DAY and he wanted to walk with me for awhile. I would jog at some points, but mainly just walked.

The first Olympic Distance I did in Illinois I finished in over 5 hours. My goal for this race was to do it in 4:30. As that time came and went my goal was to just finish in under 5 hours. We got to the aid station and Eugene and I stuck our heads in the coolers of water and we had some Gatorade and we were back on our way. Only 1.5 miles to go.

At that point the other guy had to go. I thought I was getting close to the finish line and picked up my pace and realized it was a BBQ and I still had a ways to go. It smelled so good I was ready to quit right then and there and join the BBQ. HAHA.

I had to stop a couple times and sit down because of how I was feeling, but I knew that if I did that too much I wouldn’t be able to get up and go, so I just pushed forward jogging as much as I could.

I told Eugene at this point that I didn’t want to talk anymore. He could talk all he wanted, but I was just going to finish and finish strong. He did keep talking and honestly I don’t remember much of what we talked about.

I didn’t think I would ever finish and I was mentally not caring anymore about whether or not I finished, but in the fashion that I have become accoustumed to I pushed on and FINALLY could see the finish line.

At this point I had no idea how long I had been out there, but I pushed as much as I could. Eugene told me he was going to let me have the finish line to myself and he disappeared for a few minutes.

Here I am crossing the finish line in 4:55:20. It’s not the time I wanted, but it was under 5 hours and for that I was and am happy.

Darlene was there and about a dozen people to cheer me in and celebrate with me.

Here is a pic of me and Eugene. I was not expecting him to put his leg up. He is a really fun guy.

After that pic he went and got a trashcan of VERY COLD ice water and dumped it on me. It was so cold. I have never felt anything that COLD ever, but it was fun and probably helped with my recovery. I still get chills when I think of this or look at these pictures.

After we were done at the race, we went and took some pics with the lighthouse in the background. Enjoy.

Here are my times:

Swim: 45 minutes and 55 seconds. In my first Olympic Distance my swim was just over an hour. I really improved here and had 3 people come out of the water after me.

T1: 5:55. It felt a lot longer.

Bike: 1 hour 54 minutes. First race was just over 2 hours.

T2: 4:17

Run: 2 hours and 14 minutes. I am not happy with this.

Total time: 4:55:20

Race Reports to come.

2011-09-14T11:06:00.000-07:00

I am behind on my race reports for the summer. I did a sprint triathlon in June. It was the one that I always do in Naperville. In July I did the half marathon from Napa to Sonoma for the Crohn's and Colitis Foundation of America as part of Team Challenge. In August I did my first triathlon after moving and my second Olympic Distance ever. I am going to start with the most recent race and work my way back. I will be getting to these reports in the next week. I have not forgotten. I've been a little busy with this thing called life. :) In each race there were positives and negatives. I learn every race and just strive to get better in the next.
I will write about these things in my reports.

I have some races coming up. I am possibly going to do a Duathlon on October 15th. It is a 2 mile run, 8 mile bike, and a 1 mile run. Then as most of you know December 4th, I will be running the Rock-n-roll Half Marathon in Las Vegas. Again, I am running to raise awareness and money for the Crohn's and Colitis Foundation of America. I am not trying to raise a specific amount, but if you want to give you can at This is still the page that I had set up for my Napa race. They are letting me keep it up until the end of the year to keep collecting donations.

Stay tuned for some pretty cool race reports and pictures.

Thoughts on Ironman Wisconsin

2011-09-12T04:30:00.000-07:00

I wrote this on Saturday the day before Ironman Wisconsin 2011.

For the last three years I have been in Madison, Wisconsin volunteering and cheering on my friends at Ironman Wisconsin. It is there, in 2008, I knew I had to lose my weight, so that someday I could hear the words, “Melissa Black, You are an Ironman.” I was supposed to be there this weekend. I was supposed to be checking in gear bags today, handing out water at a water station tomorrow, and writing down people’s times at the finish line. The most exciting part is that I was supposed to wake up early Monday and sign up so that I could do the race in 2012.

As you can tell by the title of my blog I am now doing Ironman Wisonsin in 2013. This time last year I was in and out of the hospital 5 times with a final diagnosis of Crohn’s Disease. With medication, not being able to eat a lot of the healthy things I used to be able to eat and just getting comfortable I gained back 60 pounds. As hard as it was I decided that it was not in my best interest to do IMWI in 2012. I called my coach and we talked it over and he agreed. I needed to get my weight back down, learn what I need to do as an endurance athlete with Crohn’s, and get in the best shape of my life before attempting a full Ironman, so with a heavy heart I decided this was the best thing to do.

I will be doing a half Ironman in 2012 and then I will finally fulfill my dream of becoming an Ironman in 2013 with my family, my coach, and my friends by my side. They will either be cheering me on, racing with me, or volunteering and cheering me on while volunteering.

I was still planning on coming out to Wisconsin to cheer my friends on this weekend. I had a place all lined up to stay and had all my volunteer shifts all planned out. Things were all set, but originally the whole reason I was coming out and volunteering is so that I could sign up for next year. Volunteers get first dibs after athletes. Since I wasn’t going to sign up I had to decide whether or not I would make the trip.

This was a very hard decision as I have not missed a year of IMWI since 2008, but I also had another opportunity arise and I had to decide which opportunity to take. I could go to Madison, volunteer, and cheer my friends to the finish line, or in December I could run the Las Vegas Rock-n-Roll Half Marathon, whose main charity is the Crohn’s and Colitis Foundation of America.

Keith said it would be easier for me to pick one or the other. Again, this was another tough decision. I knew that we could not afford for me to do both. I really wanted to be in Madison especially since this race would be on 9/11/11 and I have lots of friends doing it, but I also want to do what I can to help raise awareness and money for the Crohn’s and Colitis Foundation of America.

I found out that Team Challenge Illinois is going to the race and lots of my fellow teammates, from the Napa race I raced in July, would be there. My coach, Bob Mitera, will be there running it, some of my triathlon friends will be there, and my friend, Sue, said she would come with me, to cheer me on. I still took a couple days to decide and in the end I decided to do the Las Vegas Half Marathon.

So this weekend has been filled with very mixed emotions. I should be at Ironman Wisconsin tomorrow and signing up on Monday, but I’m not. I have shed a few tears, but this weekend has remotivated me again to get my butt in gear to reach my goals.

Tomorrow I will be following 7 athletes in Wisconsin. Two of them I will be following closely. My friend, Bill Wangard. He will doing his 2nd Ironman tomorrow. I was there for him last year when he did his first and this will be his last Ironman distance. I’ll also be following Mike Wimmer. He has lost a lot of weight and has tried two other times to finish Ironman Wisconsin. I cannot wait to see him reach his Ironman dream. Good luck guys.

Lots going on in my noggin'

2011-07-14T05:58:00.000-07:00

This morning I am sitting in a quiet house thinking, thinking about a lot of stuff, so I decided to write.

The house I am sitting in is not my own house. I am homeless for the time being. As most of you know we are moving to Massachusetts. July 10th, the movers came and emptied our entire home in one day. The power was out, we packed and moved the basement by flashlight. It was quite the experience. It was crazy, but it's done. We are moving on to the next phase of life.

Keith and Parker left the next day for Massachusetts and are already there. Tricia and I are still in Illinois at Darlene's house, but we are not here much longer. I leave tomorrow for my 1/2 marathon for the Crohn's and Colitis Foundation of America. Tricia leaves Sunday for Camp Electric. I get back, she gets back, and then on the 22nd we leave for Massachusetts. My head spins just thinking of my life since last August when we found out we would be moving.

At the end of our trip to Massachusetts, in August, is when I got violently ill. That led to the next couple of months of being in and out of the hospital and finding out I had Crohn's. When something happens to me in life I use it as a chance to help others. I am living by the saying, "I may have Crohn's, but I refuse to let Crohn's have me." Not long after my diagnosis I found the Crohn's and Colitis Foundation of America and joined forces with them to talk about my Crohn's to people thinking of joining Team Challenge.

Team Challenge is a 1/2 marathon training program, where you train and fundraise to raise awareness and funds to help find a cure for these diseases. Eventually I knew that I could join the team and not only inspire them to run, but I could also run along side them. With the help of many gernerous people and businesses I was able to raise over $3000 for the cause and am now heading out to Napa, California to run a half marathon. I have very mixed emotions about this run.

Through my whole Crohn's journey I have allowed myself to gain back 50 pounds of the 106 I had lost before getting sick. The reason I say "I have allowed myself to gain back" the weight is because Crohn's has now become an excuse. At the beginning of my Crohn's journey it was a legit gain due to medication I was on. Also, I was not allowed to eat anything with Fiber over 2 grams. I was basically living on potatoes, white rice, white pasta, white bread, pretty much anything that wasn't good for you.

I started gaining the weight and getting back into old habits. I was told not to eat popcorn, but that chips were ok. Popcorn was always my fall back snack on Weight Watchers, Chips were a trigger food that caused me to overeat. Old habits were creeping back in and quickly.

I leave tomorrow for the Napa to Sonoma 1/2 marathon and I am the heaviest I have been since my diagnosis. I have not gained back all my weight, but I have gained back a lot and it has affected my working out and my motivation. I am not as trained as I would like to be. The move really put a damper on that, but I know that walking/jogging it I will finish.

There is an option to start the race 30 minutes early if your pace is like 16 minutes a mile of higher. I am between 16-18 minutes per mile right now. I did not want to start early, but if I have that option then I might as well take advantage of it. That was a very hard decision for me as I felt like I had failed somehow. I really wanted the excitement of the mass start with everyone else. I really was down about my pace, but then I realized I have had a lot going against me the last 11 months and I realized just how awesome it is that I'm doing a 1/2 marathon despite it all and that it's ok if I have to start early. There is nothing wrong with that and now I REALLY am ok with the early start.

We had our final team meeting this past Tuesday night and it was great to finally meet my team members as I was not able to do team training with them. There are several people starting early and that made me even more at peace with my decision. It made me realize that everyone is doing what they need to do to get this race done and there is no shame in starting early.

I look forward to this race and will let you know how it goes.

After I get to Massachusetts I will be getting back into training full force. I have an Olympic Triathlon on August 21 in Connecticut. I'm a little nervous about biking around my new house. I have this major fear of getting lost. HAHA. I think I need a GPS for my bike. I'm excited about the tri in August, but a little nervous as well because the swim is in the ocean. I only did my first OWS in a lake last summer and now I'm jumping into the ocean. Should be interesting. I'm excited, but nervous as well. I have never liked swimming in salt water as a kid, so maybe it will be ok now that I'm a grown up. :)

THere has been a lot going on in my brain regarding the move to Massachusetts. My husband, Keith, loves his new job and the people he works with. He was getting so stressed at his old job. It was affecting his health, our family, and he just wasn't happy. Since leaving his old job I can see such a change in him and he has lost 10 pounds since not being so stressed.

I am very excited to move yet nervous at the same time. I have been in Illinois for 25 years. I have had some of the same friends for 25 years, especially my best friend, Darlene. We have been there through thick and thin and I'm not sure how to process us being a part. I know, I know, I have heard a million times, "Well, you have facebook and Skype." I know I do and I'm very grateful for that, but it's not the same as the real person.

She is coming to see us in August and will be at my Oly to cheer me on, so saying goodbye on the 22nd won't be so hard, but come August it will be real for me.

I haven't enjoyed saying goodbye to my Weight Watchers family, my church family, neighbors, gym friends, and my dear girl friends, but I've had to and it sucks. Someone at my Weight Watchers going away dinner said, "Melissa, Massachusetts needs you now." That's how I have to look at it. I will have new doors to open. I will have new people to inspire. I will have new people to help. I will have many new opportunities that I wouldn't have if I stay in Illinois. For these things I am excited, but for saying goodbye I am not.

Excitement plus sadness is what I am dealing with right now. When I feel happy and excited about the move, then I feel bad like I am hurting the people I have to say goodbye too. I know that's not true, but that's how I feel. The excitement about new adventures ahead is what keeps me from getting to sad, so it is a crazy cycle that my emotions are going through.

Emotions are a crazy thing and something that I am dealing with in a very real way lately. Not only am I dealing with trying to navigate my own emotions, but trying to help my kids figure out how they are feeling. We will all be ok. I think we just need to get to Massachusetts and get our lives settled. I think part of all this uneasiness is just feeling like we are in limbo. Right now I am homeless and until I get home I will have to work through how I am feeling.

Right now I feel better having written about what was floating around in my head. I haven't been blogging as much and I am going to get blogging again. It really does help me deal with this crazy thing we call life.

Here are some pics from the move:

My Friend Christian Stilwell

2011-07-10T22:09:00.000-07:00

I am pushing to get some final packing done tonight before the moving truck comes and I ran across some papers. They are the notes that I took at my dear, sweet, 17 year old friend, Christian Stilwell's funeral. That's right he was only 17 years old, but had so much more impact on others than I could ever hope to have. I wanted to take a minute to get these notes on my blog for all to read, but more importantly for me to have to look back on and remember what a great kid Christian was and to read to remember what kind of person I should be.

Christian Died April 15, 2011. Between his visitation and funeral over 2500 people were in attendance. That in and of itself should be testimony to you about how many people this young man touched.

Several people spoke at his funeral. One person spoke that knew him from school, church, and CYT his theater group. I just took notes the whole time, not sure who said what, but like I said it should give you a glimpse into the kind of life Christian lived.

Christian lived his life according to Psalm 100:2-Serve the Lord with gladness, with singing.

Christian was always serving and always singing.

Legacy of a servant- He was always asking someone, "What can I do to help?"

Christian was into theater, but to him there was more to theater than the spotlight. He lived by the saying, "Its better to give than to receive."

Matthew 5:14-16 says let my light shine. That is exactly what Christian did. His light was always shining.

Christian was into theater and planning events. When he was a little boy someone asked a group of little boys what they wanted to be when they grew up. There were the typical reponses of police man, firefighter, etc. It was Christian's turn and he said, "I'm going to be an event planner." In his room there was a printer, office supplies, lanyards, binders, playbills.

When visiting a college recently they started telling him all about their sports program. Christian replied, "I have yet to figure out why anyone gets excited about a ball."

The reason that Christian planned and did events was because he knew that someone's ife could be impacted by that event.

He was a Joy filled kid. He was not filled with joy for himself, but for others.

He could not NOT serve.

He showed love by touch by giving hugs. At this point in the funeral service the speaker asked, "How many of you ever received a hug from Christian?" In an instant every hand went up. It was amazing to see how one young man could touch that many people's lives.

He was an encourager. He walked up to anyone and everyone and would encourage them. He knew when people needed to be encouraged.

He was a Dreamer. He imagined and dreamed.

He didn't stop at the dream, he acted upon his dreams.

One thing that stood out to me that I learned about Christian is that on his clipboard that he always carried he had written down his initiatives to change the world and he was creating a plan to reach those initiatives. He dreamed big and knew that his dreams would come true.

Live a life integrating these traits.

Do not neglect expressing more love to others.

Message-

Why Did Christian Live?

He truly lived, not just existed.
He lived life to the fullest.
Christian had faith in the Lord.

1 Thess. 1:3- Love the Lord, had hope.

Faith is more than belief, it is trusting in Him.

He had true faith because he lived faithfully.
He loved God and people well.
He expressed love Lavishly.
He did them as acts of Faith.
Love compelled him. It was a love from within.

When things were hard on Christian he still had a positive attitude. Recently he had gotten news that he didn't get into a program he wanted. He was disappointed, but then said, "Smile and move on."

He was compelled by his love and his love of God.

Christian had hope. He believed God was going to fix all that was broken.

He had hope that all he was doing was not in vain.

Why did Christian Die? What is the reason.

God sometimes chooses not to intervene.

This does not prove that God doesn't care just that the world is in a bad way.

God intends to use this circumstance for good!!

Romans 8:28-In all things God works for the good of those who love Him.

Sorrow = hope, love, new life.

How do I go on?

Sadness is appropriate, tears are ok.
Laughing and sharing memories will help.

Sadness without hope turns into depression.
We have hope!!
We will grieve, but not a hopeless grief.

Cleveland Half Marathon Race Report

2011-05-17T07:11:00.000-07:00

Today is Tuesday. It is two days since my first 1/2 marathon ever. Today is has really hit me. I ran a 1/2 marathon. Me, someone who once weighed 306 pounds. Me, someone who was diagnosed with Crohn's Disease not that long ago. Me, someone who gained back 47 pounds of the 106 lost due to Crohn's. Someone who has decided she may have this disease, but this disease does not have her. I am so proud of myself. Thirteen point 1 miles. Who really does that? Well, now I can say me.

I chose to do the Cleveland Half Marathon because my brother, Jordan, and his awesome wife, Kelly live there. He was planning on originally doing the full marathon and I was going to drive out there to cheer him on with his wife and son, Hayden. Then one day when we were talking he said, "You know Melissa, there is a half marathon. You should sign up." Talked to my coach and before I knew what was happening I had signed up. Then I freaked out. Then I was excited and then freaked out again.

Leading up to the race I did everything that my great coach, Robert Mitera, told me to do and when race day finally approaced I felt prepared. In my long runs leading up to the race I tried different nutrition options, so when race day came my stomach would be ready. I mapped out where all the bathrooms were, so if my stomach issues did arise I was ready.

I drove to Cleveland the day before the race. Got there and met my bro, Kelly, and Hayden for dinner at Olive Garden.

This is me and Hayden waiting for our table. He was so excited to see me when I walked up to the restaurant. He just lit up and so did I.

I layed out all my race stuff for the next morning and headed to bed. I slept very well. I woke up around 430 because we had to be there before 6 to get Parking. The cool thing about riding in with my brother is that he has Media Parking at the baseball stadium where he works for mlb.com covering the Indians, so we had a great parking spot. We headed over to the Cleveland Browns stadium where they had bathrooms you could use and we checked gear there. It was cool to be inside the stadium.

After hitting the bathrooms we checked in our gear. Here I am and Jordan and I before the race and checking the camera. The note I wrote on the back of my team challenge jersey, so people would know that I had Crohn's and I was running the 1/2 marathon. I wanted people to know that no matter what they have going on in their life they can do whatever they put their mind to. I had lots of people tell me during the race that they appreciated the encouragement that my shirt gave them. I may be on a crazy journey in my life, but I feel part of that journey is being public with it and being able to touch as many people's lives in the process.

After checking our gear we headed to the starting line. This is where Jordan and I parted ways. He was originally going to run the full marathon, but due to a knee injury was only able to do a half. He headed up to the faster paced 1/2 marathoners and I headed back to around the 15:00 minute mile pace. I took time to stretch and deep breath as the nerves were getting to me. I deep breathed, focused, and then we were off.

In most of my training runs my miles were between 16:30-17:30 minute miles. The first few miles I did in under 16. I was very happy. I had started out a little bit too fast, so slowed my pace down a little to a pace I knew I could keep up. In practice I would run to the mile marker, walk a minute, then run to the next mile marker, walk a minute etc. I got to the first mile marker and then realized I didn't need to walk, smiled, kept running, made it to the next mile marker, and realized, again, that I didn't need to walk, smiled, kept going. Made to mile 4 and the only reason I stopped was I HAD to go to the bathroom. Was very happy with 4 miles with no walking.

My coach had broken the race up for me in this way, "Remember, Melissa this race is only 4 5k's and a victory lap." For those of you who don't know a 5k is 3.1 miles and a half marathon is 13.1 miles. So there were points when I was jogging and was just repeating that to the beat and when I would hit another 5k done. I would change my mantra to 3 5k's and a victory lap. There were a couple people struggling along the way and I would say, "Hey you only have 2 5k's left and a victory lap" and they would thank me. I've done a lot of 5k's, so it was a great way to break down the race.

As far as the weather was concerned leading up to the race the weather reports said 80% chance of thunderstorms. High of 60 low of 45. Race day it was 70% chance of rain. I believe the high was still supposed to be 60, but it never got that high. Right before the race started it was decent, a little chilly, but not bad, and just drizzling. Almost like a mister on you the whole time. I had on shorts, a dri tech shirt, and my TEAM CHALLNGE, jersey and a visor. Never needed my sunglasses. I had running tights at Jordan's house and decided that I wasn't going to wear them because I didn't want to overheat.

I was fine as far as my body temp until around mile 9. My legs just got this deep chill that I could not shake. My upper body and hands were fine. Usually it's my hands that are cold. It was just my legs. I had to just get them out of my mind. If I thought about it too much it became unbearable. Around mile 10, the cramping started. I was hydrated and staying right on track with my nutrition, so I am thinking it was just the cold that was affecting my legs, but since I am new at this I will talk to my coach and make any adjustments for my next race.

Mile 11 I had to stop and go to the bathroom. I knew I had to stop because it was the last bathroom before the finish line. As someone who is racing with Crohn's disease you have to be aware of where the bathrooms are at all times. I had mapped out the bathrooms before the race, so I would be prepared if anything happened on the race course. I was even aware of what restaurants are in the area, so if need be I could run into those as well.

I stopped, and really didn't want to because I was afraid of what my legs would do once I sat down and had to get back up. I am happy to say I was able to do my business and get going relatively well. That was my longest mile as far as time goes. It was just over 20 minutes, but I was able to get the next mile to just over 18. Once I got out of the bathroom and headed out I realized I was at the start of a VERRRRY long bridge.

During races I always act like a hunter out to get some prey. I will focus on someone in front of me until I pass them. I had been focused on two men and I was almost ready for the kill when I had to stop at the bathroom. I was very determined to pass them on the bridge. When I came out of the bathroom I could see them off in the distance and my mission became beat the old guy and the fat guy (before you say anything I know that is mean to describe them that way, so please don't say anything). When your legs are cramping and your cold you do whatever it takes to get er done.

I was chanting in my head to the beat of my feet, "Beat the old guy. Beat the fat guy" over and over. I was getting into a great rhythm. I started passing more and more people. A lot of people had to walk up the bridge, so I know I was close. I knew I only had about 2 1/2 miles left, so I just kicked it up a notch. It was windy, cold, and did a mention a very long bridge. My quads were killing me, but I knew I could beat the old guy and the fat guy. I passed the old guy before hitting the top of the bridge and there was the fat guy, towards the bottom. His red shorts taunting me the whole time. I kicked it up even more and knew I could take him. I took advantage of the downhill on the bridge and passed him at the bottom. As I passed him I said, "good job." He was doing a good job. We had encouraged each other all day. As I passed him he said, "Go get 'em."

I knew I was getting close to the finish line cause there were more spectators. I was pushing as hard as I could. People would cheer for me by name and I would just have to give them a thumbs up cause I couldn't talk. The finish line was in sight. I started giving it all I had, my legs were screaming at me, but I wouldn't listen. I was high-fiving people and then I heard this voice saying, "Here comes Melissa. Finishing strong. Melissa has Crohn's disease and she won't let that stop her from competing. Way to go Melissa." Then he said, "Hey Melissa Beat that guy." I look over there is a guy about 3 feet behind me. I pushed with all I had and beat him. Then I hear over the loud speaker, "Hey Melissa just chicked that guy." Here is a picture of me coming into the finish line and then me chicking that guy. :)

Jordan had finished his half marathon in 1:41 a Personal Record for him in a half marathon. He was able to go to gear check and get the camera to capture the pictures of me at the finish line. Thanks Jordan for getting those.

As soon as I crossed the finish line I got my medal and then my legs had had enough. I had to have help to the medical tent. They felt like they were ready to give out and then I felt a little light headed, so I wanted to go the tent to make sure I was ok. On the way to the tent I remember saying, " I want my brother. Where is he?" Like medical would know where he is. Then Jordan showed up. We went in there and I had the nicest doctor, Dr. Waters. He got me all bundled up to get me warm. Gave me ice, took my stats, which were all good. I had a banana, pretzels, and some water and then they wanted me to get up and walk around the medical tent. I couldn't even move my legs. It was crazy. It was if someone had poured cement in my legs. Once I got up and walking they felt much better.

Jordan picked up my stuff from gear check and was able to go and get the car and pick me up at the medical tent. We had a great ride home talking about the race and it made me feel better to know that Jordan, my fast brother, hated that bridge as much as I did. What's funny is he can see that bridge from work and he says that he has always thought it would be fun to run across it. Now he has and didn't think it was that fun. :)

Jordan and I did not get any pictures taken after the race, so we took them when we got back to his house. I am so proud of Jordan's PR and of course proud of myself for running 13.1 freaking miles. Wahooooo to both of us. Here we are after the race.

Kelly and Hayden did not make it to the race due to the horrible weather, but when we got home we were greeted with these awesome posters. Thanks so much Kelly. I love mine.

Here is my medal and my bib. The medal is really cool because the guitar actually spins around. I also am the proud new owner of a 13.1 magnet that was put on my car as soon as I finished the race. It's the little things in life that make me happy.

I know that I have come a long way in my journey, but I still have a lot more to learn and do before getting to my ultimate dream of doing an Ironman. Each step I take forward is getting me one step closer to my dream. One thing I learned during this race is that I can do anything I want to do. Crohn's is just something I have, I refuse to let Crohn's have me. I will continue to educate myself on my disease and help others along the way. No matter what your challenge is, there are ways to overcome them and do what you want to do.

I want to thank my wonderful husband Keith and my two amazing kids. There are lot of days I skip doing stuff with them to train and run races. They are so supportive and loving through this all. I love you all very much. I want to thank my brother Jordan and his wife Kelly for their constant support and encouragement. Thanks for housing me this past weekend and being part of my latest adventure. I want to thank my coach for sticking by me through all the ups and downs and helping me reach this current goal. I look forward to many years to come working together. I also want to thank all my friends and family that are there for me day in and day out. I could not do this as easily if it weren't for you all.

Become one of my Crohnies today!!!

2011-05-09T07:49:00.000-07:00

I have officially joined TEAM CHALLENGE. Not only am I a honoree, but now a participant. That means that I will be fundraising to help find a cure for Crohn's and Colitis. I will be fundraising, training, and running a half marathon on July 17th. I will be running the Napa to Sonoma Half Marathon out in California. I will be fundraising $3900 and would like to reach that goal by June 30th. Let's all work together to make this happen.

I wrote this song to tell the story of getting sick and finding out I had Crohn's.

I will be posting a new song each week until my race.

Enjoy and please donate to my fundraising goal. Over 80 cents of each dollar goes to the cause. Please consider becoming one of my Crohnies today.

Here is a link for my fundraising page: Become one of my Crohnies here

Remember Always Look On The Bright Side Of Life. :)

Team Challenge Honoree

2011-03-03T19:32:00.000-08:00

I have been asked by TEAM CHALLENGE ILLINOIS to be an honoree. Team Challenge is a group of people that will be training for a half Marathon in July. They will be part of this team and will be fundraising to raise money to further the research that may lead one day to a cure for Chron's and Colitis.

As most of you know I was diagnosed with Chron's disease in October. It took me until the end of December to be ok with that. I was in denial. I wanted to go back to eating what I wanted and working out how I wanted. I didn't want to have to worry about my stomach. I didn't want to be different. Once I moved beyond my diagnosis I started looking for answers and The Chron's and Colitis Foundation of America is a great website that I found. They have lots of information and lots of help on there. That is also where I found info about Team Challenge.

I really wanted to train for the 1/2 marathon with the team, but realized with me moving in June it would not be a possibility, so I told Junnie that maybe I could be part of Team Challenge New England when I move and that is when she asked if I would like to be an honoree and share my story at the Team Challenge Illinois informational meetings. I didn't think that I would have much to offer since I was just at the beginning of my journey,but she assured me I could help encourage others with my story, so I said yes.

Here is the write up they have on their website:

Melissa Black has had stomach problems since her late teens, however, she brushed off stomach pains thinking they were the result of poor eating habits. She never sought out doctors care because she was afraid they would just tell her she was overweight.

In 2008, after watching her mother die of cancer, Melissa finally decided to change her lifestyle and set up a doctor's appointment. She worked hard to lose 106 pounds, but Melissa's stomach pains became unbearably worse. Finally, she was diagnosed with Crohn's Disease in 2010.

After a slow period of acceptance, Melissa has decided to share her story with the world. She is training for her first Iron Man in August 2011 and inspiring Team Illinois and many others who suffer from Crohn's or colitis!

I look forward to speaking at these informational meetings this month and look forward to being part of Team Challenge Illinois. I hope that through my story I can encourage others with Chron's to stay active and do and be all that can be even with the challenges that having Chron's presents.

Even though I will not be running the 1/2 marathon with them in July I will be running my own 1/2 Marathon with my brother in Ohio. I will be wearing my TEAM CHALLENGE jersey and will be doing this race to raise awareness about Chron's and Colitis and raise money to help in researching for a cure. Stay tuned for another post about giving to my fundraising efforts for such a great cause.

Here are all the informational meetings if you would like to come here me speak or get info on joining the team.

11:00 a.m. Saturday, March 5,2011
Fleet Feet Sports- Pipers Alley
1620 N. Wells Street, Chicago, IL 60614

6:00 p.m. Thursday, March 10, 2011
REI - Chicago
1466 N. Halsted Street, Chicago, IL 60642

6:30p.m. Monday, March 14, 2011
Whole Foods-Naperville
2607 W. 75th Street, Naperville, IL 60540

6:00p.m. Wednesday, March 16, 2011
REI - Schaumburg
1209 E. Golf Road, Schaumburg, IL 60173

11:00 a.m. Saturday, March 26, 2011
Fleet Feet Sports - Lincoln Square
4762 N. Lincoln Avenue, Chicago, IL 60625

I have a wicked sweet tooth

2011-03-02T12:23:00.001-08:00

I was just in Southern California from Feb. 23rd-28th. I had a lot of time to reflect on my life, where it's been, where I'm at, and where I want to go.

I was in California for a wedding. Lots of family and childhood friends were there. I went to Disneyland, a rehearsal dinner, a wedding, a wedding reception, a dinner after the reception, a hotel with Keith, and then flew home. There were lots of opportunities to eat and there were lots of sweets.

I worked out three times while I was there and two of my favorite times were swimming outside in February. When I swim I think about a lot of things and my weight loss was one of those. I have been very frustrated with my current weight gain. For those of you that follow my journey know that I lost 106 pounds and know that I gained 40 of it back after getting sick and diagnosed with Chron's disease. I was told by doctors and numerous people that the weight would just fall off after I went off the steroids. Well, I have been off steroids for awhile now and the weight still isn't coming off.

With all the working out that I do, the weight should be coming off, and it's not really. Yes, here and there I am having some weight loss success, but really not what I should be, so on the plane ride home I really revaluated what is going on in my life as far as my eating and my weight loss efforts.

I came to this main conclusion. I HAVE A WICKED SWEET TOOTH. I got into some really bad, old habits when I was sick and couldn't really eat anything healthy. Sweets were ok for me to eat, according to the doctor, and I took advantage of that. I have been having sweets everyday basically and the thing is, is that I can't just have one or one serving. I have to have the whole package or a lot of whatever it is. I saw this happen more than once in California.

I have also noticed that I have let my portions get big again, so I have committed to these three things and need your help holding me accountable:

1. I am having no sweets except for gum and the occasional Latte (which is only 4 points on WW) until I go on a trip at the beginning of April. The reason I say until that trip is because my best friend, Darlene, and I are going on our 25 year Friendiversary trip to Hershey Pennsylvania. I have to have a little bit of chocolate while I am there. I will not be going crazy there, but will be having some.

After that I will have no sweets until May 15th, my 1/2 marathon and then after that I will allow myself one sweet thing per week on Saturday or Sunday One thing that I love about Weight Watchers is that you can eat whatever you want on the program as long as you figure out the points. However, sweets have become a problem for me, so I will be taking a break for a month and see how it goes after that.

2. As I looked back over my eating journal I noticed that I have not been paying close attention to my portion sizes. So, I am committing to measuring and weighing everything that goes into my mouth. I don't know how long I will do this, but I will do it until I get my portions under control.

3. I have also committed to eating lower carbs in my diet. I feel like the more carbs I eat the more I want them. Most of my carbs will be coming from fruits and veggies and that I will eat higher protein. I know that some of you may have a problem with this, but I need to do what is best for me and this is it. I know my body and know what I need to do.

This journey is not an easy one. The day it gets easy is the day I need to worry. There is always something that I can adjust and make better. There is always something to learn. If I want to be an Ironman, I need to tweek these areas now, so I can make my dreams become reality. No amount of sweets that I eat will taste as sweet as crossing the finish line at Ironman 2012.

One Week Ago Today

2011-02-18T07:50:00.000-08:00

One week ago today, around this time, I was in the bathroom stall at the YMCA, crying and feeling the sickest I had felt in a long time. I took the weekend off of working out to focus on resting and recouping. Last week was a bad week health wise. I am learning symptoms to watch for, what I can and cannot eat, how hard to push when working out, when to pull back, and when to not work out at all. It's a crazy journey, but I'm learning about my body and what I can and cannot do and what I am realizing is that I can do more and more each day. The more and more I learn, the more and more I can do.

One week ago I was crying in a bathroom stall. Today I am emailing my coach about 5k's I want to do and a half marathon in May. Yesterday, I figured out that there are 86 days until the Cleveland Half Marathon and 185 days until the Timberman Half Ironman. At first I was freaked out by those numbers, then I was excited and today I am super motivated, still a little freaked out, but really motivated.

One week ago today I was crying in a bathroom stall. This week there are no tears. This week I hold my head high and know that I will reach all my goals and dreams. My goals and dreams are turning into a reality that I never could have fully dreamed of. It's even better than the dreams that I have had.

I am going to keep dreaming, keep doing, and keep turning my dreams into reality.

I hope that in the process of my dreams becoming reality I can help others dream and turn their dreams into reality too.

Get off the couch start dreaming and doing. It's fun!!

Happy Valentine's Day

2011-02-14T01:53:00.001-08:00

I saw an ad recently for Valentine's Day and it said, "It's not about loving you, it's about loving us." I actually loved that saying and really started thinking about that. There are a lot of people in my life that I love and I love what they mean to my life, but also what I mean to theirs and how our relationships work together.

To all the people who mean the world to me: My Husband, My kids, My family, my best friend Darlene, my other best friends, Cindy and Sue, my coach Bob and chiroprator Dr. Kev, to my tri friends, my church friends,my WW friends, my old friends, and my new friends, This is for you.

You are the oil for my squeaky chain
my lemon for my lemonade
my sugar (or should I say splenda) for my coffee and tea
A porta potty when I need to pee (hey it rhymed)

You are my umbrella for a rainy day
my disco ball when I need to dance the night away
my cellphone battery when my phone goes dead
my mechanical pencil full of lead

You are the unicorn that farts rainbows when I'm feeling down
My arm floaties to keep me afloat so I won't drown
My chewing gum when I want to eat sweets
My subject line for all my tweets

You put the HEART in I Heart You
Thanks for everything you do
You love me unconditionally to the end
I thank one of you for being my lover( that would be Keith. Just wanted to clarify for all you joksters) and the rest of you for being my friends.

I love you all and wanted to tell you today, Valentine's Day, how much you mean to me. Have a great day and no matter what happens today, remember that you are loved very much.

WEight Watchers Update and This week's Goals

2011-02-12T09:20:00.000-08:00

Last week's weight: 239.2
This week's weight: 237.8
This week's weight loss: 1.4 pounds
Weight When I started: 306.2 pounds
Total weight loss: 67.4

How I did with last week's goals:

1. My goal was to lose 2 pounds. I was very close losing 1.4.
2. I wanted to track what I ate every day and I did. Wahooo. This is huge for me.
3. Hit ll my workouts that my coach gave me. I did until Friday when I got really sick.
4. Work around the house to get ready to put on market. I did not do this as well as I would have liked, so I am going full force with this this week.

This week's goals:

1. Lose 2 or more pounds.
2. Keep Tracking what I am eating. I have tracked for 2 weeks and have lost weight for two weeks. Wahoooo!!
3. Hit 5 out of 6 workout this week.
4. Really work around the house this week. Goal is to get the house on the market by March 1st. Specific areas, kids rooms, my room, basement.
5. Spend time with God.

Have a good week. I know I will.

My new reality.

2011-02-11T11:29:00.000-08:00

Today started off like any other Friday. Took Tricia to school and headed to the gym before heading to my awesome chiropractor, Kevin O'hara of Arlington Heights.

As I was driving to the gym my stomach started hurting very badly. It was kind of hurting when I woke up, but not this bad. I was trying to decide if I should still go to the gym or not and then I decided that if I got a stomach ache on race day I would have to deal with it and push on, so that is what I did today, I dealt with it and pushed on.

I headed into the gym and up to the locker room, and got ready, feeling worse. The Buehler YMCA, where I work out when I am in Palatine, has a workout room in the women's locker room and it has a treadmill, so I decided since I wasn't feeling so hot I would work out in there. That way in case I needed a bathroom I had easy access. I'm glad I did that. After three minutes of running and I had another type of running to do. I ran to the bathroom grabbing a trash can along the way.

I ended up not throwing up, but spent quite a bit of time in there knowing my workout was over for the morning. I ended up crying in the bathroom stall. A lady from the Foglia YMCA that I swim with was there and another great lady Charlie was there. They both talked to me until I felt well enough to leave.

I don't know if this was Chron's or if this is me just getting sick (my coach told me the flu is going around right now), but what I realized is that this is my new reality. I may get all the way to the gym and my body won't let me work out. There will be days, like this past Tuesday, when my stomach was hurting and I just stayed in bed and rested. There will be days where I will have no symptoms and will be able to work out like a rock star. I just need to take one day at a time and listen to my body.

One thing today, that I am very proud of, is that regardless of whether or not I had a stomach ache, I still got to the gym and gave it a go. Another thing that I am proud of is that I knew when to stop and call it a day. These are new concepts for me. In the past I would use any excuse not to work out and I also didn't know when to stop at times and would push when I shouldn't have and have hurt myself. So today showed me again, how far I have come in my journey.

Today showed me what my new reality is, but I also know that my reality is that I am an athlete and I will continue to push forward, test my body, and do what I can to reach my athletic goals.

"Today I inspired myself."

2011-02-10T08:03:00.000-08:00

This week I have a goal of hitting all the workouts that my coach put on the schedule. Lately, that has been a hard goal due to some ongoing symptoms with my Chron's, but this week I decided this is it. I am going to do it. I looked at my training schedule and on Tuesday there was a 30 minute run in the AM, weight training and a 20 minute run in the PM.

I woke up on Tuesday having some stomach issues. I did what I needed to do as a mom, but instead of heading to the gym, I headed back to bed, sick. As the morning went on I kept thinking of my goal of hitting all my workouts and of my 30 minute run I hadn't done yet. I was still not feeling well, so was trying to figure out what to do.

Parker got home from school at 3:15 and had a theater class 7:00. I knew that I still could get this run in. I got him situated with his homework, and as soon as Keith was home from picking up Tricia I headed to the gym. I know this run was scheduled for a morning run, but this would have to do.

I got there, stretched, and then hopped on a treadmill. Since being sick most of the fall, I lost most of what I had built up for running. Running for 2 minutes is hard for me now. This run was a 15 minute run/jog and then intervals of 1 minute at a time, fast, recover, fast, recover, for 10 minutes, and then a 5 minute recovery jog equalling 30 minutes total. I know out of the gate this would be hard, but I was determined.

When I start running and it is hard I have to look up and focus on something in the distance. I got into my pace and looked up into the distance and there was a door with a triangle on it and at each point it said, Mind, Body, Soul. What a great thing to focus on.

Each time it got hard, I focused on what I have done in my life to better my mind, body, and soul. I focused on what I have been through and what I have overcome. For my MIND, I have sought out counseling to deal with the loss of my mother and other issues. I stand up for myself, I set boundaries, and I am proud of who I am. I am the strongest I have been mentally in years.

As far as my BODY is concerned, I have been actively losing weight since November 2008. I have had success there and have lost over 100 pounds. This fall was one of the hardest times for me in my life as far as my health was concerned. I was in and out of the hospital for a couple months, had my gall bladder taken out, and finally was diagnosed with Chron's disease. As I stared at the word BODY on that door in the distance I realized just what my body has been through, where it's been, and where it is going to be. I realized on that treadmill that I have been through a lot, but I am not going to let that stop me from reaching my Ironman dream. I was on a treadmill running the best I had in a long time. Even though that very morning I had Chron's symptoms, I was on that treadmill completing my workout, feeling great about myself.

The next word on the door was SOUL. I focused on that word and realized how far I have come in this area of my life in the last 2 years as well. I really was disillusioned with the institution of the church, some of the people of the church, and needed to figure out if my relationship with God was because it is all I've known since I was a kid or it is because it is what I believe. I have come through all of this on the side of my relationship is just that, MY relationship. I am growing more and more everyday and have put God at the center of my life once again and that is very freeing.

As I thought about all of this and my 30 minute run was coming to an end, I could not get over who I have become mentally, physically, and spiritually. It totally blew me away. Every day I am told by one person or another that I have inspired them in some way. I have always been very open with my journey, so that one person out there might change their lives, but I had never truly inspired myself until Tuesday, February 8, 2011. As the treadmill came to a stop, I took a drink, and started to tear up, literally. I looked back up at that door and said to myself, "Today I inspired myself" and it feels great. I packed up headed home with a huge smile on my face.

Weight Watchers Update and This week's Goals

2011-02-06T04:12:00.000-08:00

Weight Watchers was yesterday. I love my leader and my friends. It has been the best thing for me for my Weight Loss.
My goal for this past week was to lose 2 pounds. I was close. I lost 1.4 pounds. I know exactly where I went wrong and plan on correcting that this week. I was short on my fruit and veggie intake, but the good news is I wrote down everything that I ate and I mean everything, the good, the bad, and the ugly. I am excited because that has always been really hard for me, but it really wasn't this week.

Another positive is that yesterday after Weight Watchers I went to the gym and then Costco. I went to Costco the day before the Super Bowl and they pulled out all the stops as far as samples go and I didn't have one. I even grabbed one, looked at it, and threw it away at the next trash can. I was very proud of myself. It's the little decisions like this that add up and help me reach my goals. I plan on doing that today when we watch the super bowl. I didn't buy any desserts, I did get Pizza, but have stuff for a Salad, and have fruit and veggies to put out as well. Just because this is normally a day to overindulge I will not and already have a plan in place. Wahooooo!!

So here are my totals from weight watchers.

Last Week's Weight: 240.6
This Week's Weight: 239.2
Weight Loss for the Week: 1.4 pounds
Weight When I sarted WW: 306.2
Total Weight Lost: 67 Pounds.

I'm excited to get back to where I was before I was sick. I was at 200 pounds and ready to go into Onederland. That means that my weight would finally start with a 1. I have accepted this weight gain for what it is. I was sick and gained weight. Now I'm not sick, or at least not as sick, so I'm back at it and I know how to do this, so I'm doing it. Wahoooo!!

My Goals for this next week:
1. Lose 2 pounds
2. Track what I eat EVERYDAY.
3. Hit all my workouts that my coach has given me I haven't done this in a long time. This week is the week for me to do this and the weeks beyond. I'm serious about hitting my goal of a 1/2 Ironman in August, so this is what I need to do.
4. Work in my room, basement, and dining room to get the house closer to getting on the market.

What I did this week that really made me happy is that I took little steps to reach my bigger goals. When you set a big goal break it into smaller goals and it won't seem so overwhelming. You can do it.

It's been snowing in Chicago

2011-02-02T18:48:00.001-08:00

It's been snowing just a tad bit here in Chicago. We got 20 inches, so thought you might enjoy this picture. We are safe and warm and doing well. Have a great day and stay warm out there.

It's not a goal until you write it down.

2011-02-02T03:15:00.001-08:00

I was asked by my chiropractor, Dr. Kevin O'Hara of Arlington Heights, this week, "What are your goals?" I really couldn't answer him. I told him I had some. He asked me if I had written them down and I realized I really hadn't sat down and written down my goals for 2011. He said to me, "You know they are not really goals until you write them down."

I've made a 2011 vision board so I have a visual reminder of my goals, but that is really where this board stopped, just at a visual reminder. I havn't gone any further than the visual reminders. I have not sat down and written down my goals or thought through just how I was going to reach those goals, so today I am attempting to do that.

As you can see above in the middle of my vision board there is a heart with the year 2011 inside of it. I have always been a loving person, but I want to be more intentional this year in regards to showing love to everyone. I want everyone whose path I cross to feel like someone cares about them. Whether it's helping an older lady in the rain at Costco, or sending gifts to a single mom with 4 kids. I want to make a difference and show love to both people I don't know and people I do know. I want my kids to know every day just how much I love them. I want them to go to bed at night feeling like, "Wow, my mom really does love me." It's not always easy to love everyone, but I am going to try every day this year to make a difference in someone's life and show them how much they are loved and cared about.

Below the heart is my key Bible verse for the year. My friend, Darlene, shared this verse with me on the first Sunday of January. It really hit home with me. I memorized it that day and have it on my vision poster so I can focus on it everyday. The reason that the verse in is the center of my board is because this year I need to focus on putting God back at the center of all I do. That has kind of slipped to the sidelines in recent years, but I am determined to change that this year. Without God, I am just trying to do this all on my own. "With God, ALL things are Possible."

My theme verse is this:

For God gave us not a spirit of FEAR,
but of LOVE, of POWER, and of SELF-CONTROL. 2 Timothy 1:7

I mean how awesome is that? That I have nothing to FEAR because God is with me. Wahooooo. The next part of the verse fits along with other goals I have. He will give me POWER to do the athletic events that are in my future for 2011 and he will give me the SELF-CONTROL with my eating and things that I need to do to lose weight.

The two major athletic goals that I will need POWER to finish this year are a 1/2 marathon and a 1/2 Ironman. If all goes according to plan I will be doing a 1/2 marathon in May. I just talked to my wonderful Coach, Bob Mitera of Kokua Multisports, just last night and we have a plan to get me to the starting line of the 1/2 marathon. Running is really hard for me as I have just come off of months of being sick with a recent diagnosis of Chron's Disease. In those months I have gained some weight back due to medication and lack of working out. I am losing weight again and am committing to a new run schedule to reach the goal of running a 1/2 marathon.

I am also planning on doing the Timberman Half Ironman in August in New Hampshire. I plan on doing everything that Coach Bob asks me to do to reach this goal as well. That's the reason I have hired a coach. I know that on my own I could not train for these events and reach my goals. Every week I have a new workout schedule, that I don't even have to think about. I just turn on my computer, look at my workout, and get it done. Thanks, Coach.

On my vision board there is a picture of Jillian Michaels from Biggest Loser. She is pointing at me and saying, "I want you to lose weight." I have another saying on there that says, "Lose weight like nobody's business." I have not sat down and looked at what that looks like, how much I want to lose total, or set small weekly goals. As you know I go to Weight Watchers. I have been avoiding the scale because of my recent weight gain. I have finally gotten back on the scale and faced reality. I gained 40 pounds since getting sick in August. Before that I had lost 106 pounds. As of my weigh-in this past week I weighed 240.6. This weight gain has been hard. I know it is because I have been sick, but it is still hard. When I get down I just look at the picture below and realize, even with a weight gain of 40 pounds, I am no where near the person I was, physically or mentally, and for that I am very grateful. This weight gain is what it is and I know what I need to do.

My weight loss goal for the year 2011 is to lose 90 pounds and hit my goal of weighing 150 pounds. When I hit this goal I will have lost 1/2 of myself as I weighed 306.2 pounds when I started my journey in 2008. I am very excited to reach that goal, so this week I made a goal of losing 2 pounds. That is my goal for each week going here on out. As I sit here and write this today I have 15 weeks until the half marathon. My goal is to be 30 pounds lighter by then, so I hope to weigh 210 pounds. It is 29 weeks until the half Ironman. My goal is to be 60 pounds lighter by then, so I hope to weigh 180.6 by that event. By the time I go to volunteer at IMWI 2011 and sign up for 2012 in September, my goal is to weigh in the 170's and by December 31, 2011 my goal is to weigh between 145-150 pounds. This is the first time I have figured this all out and made such a detailed plan with my weight loss. I look forward to the challenge and know that I can do it. Wahoooo!!

I just realized this is the year of 1/2's for me. I will be completing a 1/2 marathon, a 1/2 Ironman, losing 1/2 of me, and doing nothing 1/2 hearted. Once I complete all these 1/2's I will be a more whole person.

I have made it a goal this year to learn all I can about Chron's disease and volunteering and raising money for the Chron's and Colitis Foundation of America. I will be speaking about my Chron's journey 5 times in March. The Chron's and Colitis Foundation of America (CCFA from now on) has a group called TEAM CHALLENGE. It takes a group of individuals and trains them to do a 1/2 marathon. I cannot train with them this year due to our move, but look forward to speaking at all their Illinois informational meetings. Not everyone that signs up with TEAM CHALLENGE has Crohn's or knows someone with Chron's. They are just signing up to do a race. I am going to speak to give them motivation in their fundraising and to give a voice to Chron's. I will be one of two people speaking. For awhile I was mad I had Chron's, but now I have accepted it and am going to use it to help as many people as I can in the process and I will start in March at these informational meetings.

There are two words on my vision board that I really want to embrace this year. They are EPIC IMPACT. My goal this year, through my spiritual journey of putting God back at the center of my life, through showing love to everyone I meet, through my weight loss goals, my race goals, and my involvement through CCFA, I hope that I can have an EPIC IMPACT on not only my own life, but the lives of others. I have always been public with my journey to help others, but this year I don't only want to help others I want to have an EPIC IMPACT.

You can have an EPIC IMPACT in your own life and the lives of others. Look at what your goals are, write them down, and make plans on how you will achieve these goals. Once you do that, you will have a bigger impact then you could ever imagine.

I have Crohn's Disease and I don't like it

2010-12-27T10:17:00.000-08:00

So I was talking to a good friend of mine about a month ago and he asked me why I hadn't blogged in a long time. I told him I had nothing to say. He said " Bull@#$%. You have a lot to say." He told me I needed to get writing again. My counselor told me I needed to get writing again. Everyone has told me to get writing again, but I wasn't ready. I had retreated into my turtle shell. I didn't want to talk to anyone. I didn't want to face anyone. I didn't want to face the fact that I had Crohn's, but the fact is, I have Crohn's and it is not going away, so I can avoid doing research, avoid getting support, avoid people close to me that care and get nowhere or I can start facing this and get on with my life.

One reason I haven't really wanted to talk about it or write about it is because I did not want people to think I was feeling sorry for myself or having a pity party. As it was when I did try and open up to some people they said to me, "It could be worse." As much as I agree with that, it made me feel like because I didn't have cancer I shouldn't be complaining, so as people said that to me I started shutting down.

So here it goes. I am mad. I am really mad that I have Crohn's Disease. I was over 300 pounds, morbidly obese. I was told that I needed to lose weight or I could die, so I worked my butt off literally and lost 106 pounds. Now, I'm 106 pounds down and the sickest I have ever been. It's so ironic cause I'm the healthiest I've ever been in some respects and the sickest in other respects.

I'm mad because, due to steroids I have been on, I have gained 30 of those 106 pounds back. I know everyone tells me that it's not a real gain, but to tell you the truth I have started using my restricted diet and my steroids as an excuse to eat bad. I know the steroids are messing with my eating, my sleeping, and my mind, but it has become an easy excuse to do what I want. The steroids along with the restricted diet have been a major downfall for me and I"m mad that I have let it become so easy to overeat. I have started back with the excuses that I used to have at the beginning of my journey. I don't like it and don't like how it is making me feel. That is why TODAY I decided to write about how I'm feeling to start getting back to where I need to be to do an 1/2 Ironman and eventually my Ironman. I need to get refocused on my goals.

My coach has given me several leads for Crohn's support, friends have told me about people that are willing to support me, I have had many links sent to me, books for me to read etc. I haven't taken advantage of any of this cause that would mean I would have to admit to having Crohn's. I don't like having a disease that I cannot control. I could do something about my weight. I can't do anything about my Crohn's. Crohn's is not curable, just manageable. This is something I have to manage the rest of my life. I don't want to have something I have to manage the rest of my life, but it's not going anywhere, so it's time to get off my butt and do something about it.

Since being sick, which I have been since the end of August, I have noticed I am not the same athlete I was. I used to be able to work out for hours on end. Now there are times after 30 minutes I have to call it quits. There are times in the middle of my workout I need to stop and go to the bathroom and am in there for at least 20 minutes. I tell you after stopping workout for a 20 minute bathroom break it is very hard to get re-motivated to get out there and going again. There have been several times that I have cried in the stall of the YMCA bathroom. I know I will get back to where I was, but it is a long journey and I don't like the set back, but what am I going to do just not workout, give up on my Ironman dream? No way.

I have a friend, Andy, who in the past has told me to SUCK IT UP BUTTERCUP. I have other friends tell me to FAKE IT UNTIL I MAKE IT. It's time for me to do this. I need to acknowledge my feelings, but not let them bring me down and so far I have let them bring me down and if I'm not careful I will let it spiral out of control and I have come too far to let that happen.

So I have Crohn's. There are a lot of other people that do and are living productive, active lives. I don't have to like the fact that I have Crohn's. However, I do need to embrace it, learn all I can, and learn how to live with it while being active and training to become an Ironman. My goal is to still do Ironman Wisconsin in 2012. I hope that will happen, but if I have to change the date that's ok and if my health doesn't permit me to do that distance I'm going to be ok with that. I'm not ok with that now, but I will be if that is the case.

I talked to my counselor recently about how I felt really anxious about the possibility of not being able to do an Ironman because of my health. Ironman is what I have talked about now, for the last 5 years. It has been a goal of mine since then and is so close to becoming a reality. What if it is taken away from me? What if I can only handle the half Ironman distance? He then made me realize, through some lengthy conversations, that what I liked about doing an IRONMAN is not necessairly the Ironman per-say, but I liked the idea of the person I am becoming on my way to Ironman, and who I will be when I step up to the starting line. Yes, I want to do the distance, yes, I want to hear them say, "Melissa, YOU ARE AN IRONMAN," but when it really comes down to it, I really want to become the person that can do those things. Whether or not I will ever be able to do the Ironman distance is still yet to be determined, whether or not I can become the type of person to step up to the start line is already determined, I can and will become that person. (It was hard to put this last paragraph into words so I hope you understood what I was trying to say.)

A little update on where I am with my Crohn's care. I am currently getting weaned off my steroids and will be completely off them by the second week of January. I am on a Crohn's medication that I am hoping I will respond well too after being off the steroids. I am seeing Dr. Cohen who is out of University of Chicago and is one of the best Crohn's doctors out there and the center I am going is ranked nationally for it's research and treatment of Crohn's, so I am in good hands. I will keep you not only posted on where I am mentally with all of this, but also how my treatment is going.

So this is just the start of my blogging again. Here are some goals for this week:

1. Blog at least 2-3 more times.
2. Start logging my workouts again for my coach and my eating.
3. Get all the junk,that snuck it's way into my house during the holidays, out of my house.
4. Get back to the gym regularly and not give myself a hard time if I cannot work out as hard as I used to. I'll get back where I need to be.

Please Don't Wait Anymore!!

2010-09-25T14:18:00.001-07:00

I am sitting in a hospital room waiting to see if I can get released today. I’m thinking about all that has gone on since the end of August.

• August 19, left for a trip to Massachusetts with my family.

• August 21, got sick all night in the hotel room throwing up.

• August 22, sick all day

• August 23 sick on the plane ride home. Spent just as much time in the airplane bathroom as I did in the 1st class seat that Keith had gotten for me.

• August 24, Ended up going to an urgent care and admitted to the hospital. My heartrate had dropped to 33 beats per minute and I was dehydrated. I got rehydrated and a cardiologist cleared my heart.

• August 26, I was discharged from the hospital. Got sick that night.

• August 27, Was readmitted to the hospital. They figured out my gall bladder was sick.

• August 30, got my gall bladder removed.

• September 1st, got discharged from the hospital.

• September 3rd, got a call that my Grandma had called 911 and had no heartrate when they got there. They resisitated her even though she had a DNR. That night she was removed from life support. My brother and I spent that first night by her side. She hung on for 9 days.

• September 12, my Grammy passed away.

• September 15, my Grammy’s visitation

• September 16, my Grammy’s funeral

• September 17, drove Parker to Chicago to stay at a friends house to spend the night so he could go to his play rehearsal. Spent the night.

• September 18, starting at 6am threw up every hour on the hour and ended up in the ER. I was dehydrated, so they rehydrated me and sent me home. Was resting all day.

• September 20, Threw up in the morning. Called my GI Doc and met with him. He is in the same building as an emergency care center. He sent me down to get a CT Scan cause he wanted to get to the bottom of what was going on. I threw up as soon I drank the CT drink. He admitted me to the emergency care center. They were able to help me keep down the drink and get the CT. This time it showed an unhealthy colon and intestine. I was admitted to the hospital AGAIN.

• September 22, Had a colonoscopy and a stomach scope. My stomach was fine, but there were some things wrong in my colon. There were ulcerations and inflammation. Biopsies were taken of everything and I have to wait to see if it is mild Croh’s disease or a bad infection. After the procedure I was told I could eat a restricted diet, so I did. Keith came to visit me and I ended up throwing up the whole time. I was told I had to stay in the hospital longer.

• September 23, back on a liquid diet and the waiting game.

• September 25, finally on soft foods and doing well keeping it down. Still waiting on the biopsies, but probably won’t get them cause it’s the weekend, but I’m keeping down my food and now off my IV. Will probably go home tonight or tomorrow. Wahoooo!!

I looked up at the white eraser board in my room and saw that today’s date is September 25th. Wow. This health issue has taken over a month of my life. How could I have prevented this? What could I have possible done different?

I could have done a lot different. For years I have ignored my stomach issues. Pretty much any time I went out to eat I would have a stomachache. It became a joke (not a haha kind of joke) early on in my marriage with Keith. He always said, “Every time I take you out to a nice restaurant you are in the bathroom before we even leave.” It was true, but I never went to the doctor.

My mom died at the age of 53, obese. She made me promise, on her deathbed, that I would get healthy. She did not want me to go through what she went through. This coming December she will be gone 14 years. It is just 2 years ago in November that I finally got serious about getting healthy.

I started going to the doctor, but not like I should and still ignoring my stomach issues. As most people who are obese you don’t want to go to the doctor and hear about your weight. My mom went to the doctor with some pain and was told it was because she was overweight. The pain was not because of her weight; it was because of her colon being sick. I didn’t want that to happen to me, so as I approached 300 pounds and over I decided not to go to the doctor.

That was the biggest mistake I could have made. Because of putting this issue off for years I have just lost over a month of my life. I have a sick colon and intestine and had to have my gall bladder out. What I was trying to avoid was there in my face? Did I have cancer? Was I going to die young? The good news is there is no cancer and it ends up I am going to be ok, but what if I would have taken care of this sooner? I would have my month back.

I beg you if you have been putting off getting medical attention because of you weight please don’t. What if there would have been cancer in my colon? What if it were worse? I am a mom and a wife. What if me being embarrassed about my weight would have caused my family to lose me? I can’t play the “what if” game, but I can be thankful that the news was not worse.

Please do something about your weight. I can help you. Please do not put off going to the doctor. If you live by me, I can go with you. Don’t wait until it is too late. My mom waited and didn’t get a second opinion and she died at 53. Please learn from my mom and from me and please don’t wait anymore.

Ironman thoughts through a volunteers eyes

2010-09-15T08:14:00.000-07:00

Ironman: 140.6 miles of determination, dedication, and inspiration. Athletes age 18 to 74, pros, age-groupers, blind, disabled, all shapes and sizes, all walks of life, all with one thing on their mind, the finish line. Each athlete dedicated hours to training, sacrificing time with family and friends. Each athlete full of determination as they approach the swim start, waiting for the canon to go off. Each athlete was inspired in some way to even think of doing an Ironman and now they get to be an inspiration to those spectating on the sideline and to those volunteering. I am one of those volunteers that was inspired.

September 2008 is the first time I ever volunteered at Ironman Wisconsin. I was 300 pounds and already knew that I wanted to do an Ironman in 2013, but really never thought, at that point, that it would ever really happen. The day before the race I worked in Gear Check in. This is where the athletes bring bags with everything they will need for their transition. A transition is the time between each leg. Transition 1 is between the swim and the bike and transition 2 is between the bike and the run.

I got to meet so many athletes that day, hear their stories, and help them get set up for race day. It was amazing. I had two friends doing the race. We had met online, but not in person, so that day I got to meet them both when they brought their gear bags in. It was amazing to finally meet them and be part of their first Ironman experience.

The day of the race I started the morning off body marking the athletes. Body marking is when you mark an athletes arms and legs with their racing number. Here I was 300 pounds marking some of the most fit bodies I had ever seen. I even got to mark a couple pros that day. I was self-conscience, but getting inspired every second, getting more excited about the possibility of being an Ironman someday.

I also volunteered at the finish line and that is what changed my life. I was giving out the medals. As the athlete approaches the finish line they get to hear this,
“Larry Schultz, You Are An Ironman.” I cannot even begin to imagine what that feels like to hear, but I know that hearing that, the first time live, at the finish line, made me so inspired to hear it for myself one day. I got to give medals out to every type of athlete out there. I got to give a medal to my friend Chris on completion of his first Ironman. At that moment I forgot that I was a morbidly obese person, I forgot that I got out of breath walking down a street, and I forgot that I could barely bend over to tie my shoes.

At that moment I pictured myself as an Ironman. I knew that this would be me. It would be a lot of hard work. Instead of thinking that this was impossible, I started believing that I’m possible. That night I worked the finish line until midnight. That is the cutoff for the race. If you are not done by midnight, you get a DNF (did not finish). There was about 30 seconds left and the announcer was saying there was one lady very close and we needed to all cheer her in. It is amazing at the finish line towards the end of the race, so we were all cheering, holding our breath, hoping she would make it. Guess what? She did with 4 seconds to spare. I had the privilege of putting her medal around her neck. I had someone take a picture of me medaling her. That is a moment I will never forget. She crossed the finish line and just laid down. She had spent 17 hours dedicated to, and determined to becoming an Ironman and she did it.

I contacted her after the race, so I could email her the medal picture and we talked a long time. She is a mom and had been on her own weight loss journey and doing and Ironman was what she wanted to do after she hit her goals. She encouraged me so much in my own journey. I knew after talking to her that I was meant to do this. Before it had been that I was going to do an Ironman in 2013. I really meant it, but deep down, I would start self-doubting myself and then start putting myself down.

Now I knew that this dream would become my reality. I knew I had to start getting serious about my workout regime and my eating was a joke. It was time to do something about it. I hired a coach, got back to Weight Watchers and started seeing the results. November 8, 2008 I met with my coach, Matt Petersen of The Fitness Pursuit. Those were some hard sessions. He would knock down my excuses one after another. It was tough. I didn’t like him very much at the time, but I credit him with my turn around. While having Matt as my coach I lost 40 pounds.

In one of our first conversations Matt had asked me what my goals were and at that point I still wanted to do my Ironman in 2013. He asked me why I had it so far off. I remember wanting to laugh when he asked me this. At this point I was 297 pounds. I had lost weight before going to meet with my new coach. (Kind of like when you clean before the cleaning lady comes.) I remember thinking, “Um, yeah, can’t you tell why I’m putting it off so far.” I just never thought I could do it sooner. So, after talking, we moved it up to 2012. I could probably do it sooner, but I really wanted to be the most fit I could be and work up to the distance. I was doing sprint tris at that point (1/2 mile swim, 15 mile bike, 5k run).

Now it is 2010. I just spent this past Sunday, September 12, volunteering for my third time at Ironman Wisconsin. I am 97 ½ pounds lighter and could just tell the difference in my volunteering experience. I was not self- conscience at all, and I could get around town a lot easier.

Once again I was cheering on friends. My first coach Matt Petersen that I mentioned above was competing, doing his 5th Ironman. My friend Chris who did his first Ironman in 2008 was back again to do his second race. I also had 7 other people I knew doing the race all with amazing stories. It was so amazing and inspiring to see each and every one of them on the course.

Again I worked the finish line. I got to medal a lot of the friends I knew doing the race. I got to medal a blind athlete. I medaled old athletes, young athletes, and everything in between. Everyone out there has a story, everyone out there has a reason they need to do an Ironman, me included.

I was 306.2 pounds. I was a doormat that everyone just wiped their feet on. I guess, based on my past results, I was ok with those things because I was not willing to change. Now I am the most confident (but not in a cocky way) I have ever been. I am ok with saying no to people. I am pushing myself a lot harder than I ever have. I love having my picture taken now. I help others in their journeys and am just a very happy person and it feels great.

I am on my Ironman journey. Just like working to get the weight off I am working my way up to the Ironman distance. I have several sprints under my belt, did my first Olympic distance tri under my belt, and will do my first ½ Ironman in 2011. I am very proud of what I have accomplished, but my journey will not be complete without finishing an Ironman.

I have had to dig deep in my life to get through a lot, but during Ironman Wisconsin I will have to dig deeper than ever before. I will go to places I have never gone before mentally and I will have to dig deep to get through. With each step I will become a stronger person physically, mentally, and spiritually. I want to do an Ironman to show myself just how far I have come and just how far I will be able to go. Yes, I cannot wait to become an Ironman, but it is far more than that. When I cross that finish line this is what I will hear, “Melissa Black, you are an Ironman,” but this is what I will know as I cross that finish line. Not only will I have become an Ironman, I will have become a better person, wife, mom, and friend along the way. I will be a different person because of everything I had to overcome to cross that finish line.

All the volunteers at Ironman events have the opportunity to sign up for the race on Monday morning for the following year. Next year, next year (wow, I had to repeat that because it’s finally getting here) when I volunteer I will be in line on Monday morning to sign up for Ironman Wisconsin 2012. I can hardly wait, but know that I have a lot of work still left to do to get there. I respect every single mile of the 140.6 distance and will do everything I need to between now and the starting line to get ready.

Ironman: 140.6 miles of determination, dedication, and inspiration. I will be determined to do whatever my coach (Bob Mitera of Kokua Multisports) tells me to do and will be determined for the next two years to get to that start and finish line. I am dedicated to my training and whatever sacrifices I have to make to get that start and finish line. I have been inspired by so many who have gone before me on their own journeys of weight loss, illnesses to overcome, triathlons, and Ironman and I hope to inspire people to do whatever it is they want to do. I am living proof that there is hope and that you can change.

This is gonna get really ugly!!

2010-09-07T16:19:00.000-07:00

I wrote this blog post on my Massachusetts trip, but never posted it because of getting sick and ending up in the hospital, so this was written around August 19th. Here it goes:

Some people have noticed that I haven't blogged for almost a month. Others have commented that my facebook statuses aren't what they used to be. Some people in my life have told me that they know I would eventually crash and burn, that I would hit a wall. It was as if they wanted me to. That if I crashed and burned it would somehow make them feel better about themselves, but this post is not about the naysayers in my life. This post is a post about me and where I've been for the last month, what's been going on in this noggin' of mine, and where I see myself going from this day forward. I've been told my readers love how honest I am with the good, the bad, and the ugly on my journey. Well, get ready cause this is gonna get real ugly.

July 11th, 2010 is where my downward spiral started. My first, Olympic Distance triathlon was that day. You can read my race report in the previous entry. I went into the race sick and just coming off vacation and it was hot out. As you can read in my report I overcame everything and finished that race. I had the best support crew anyone could have, my friends, family, and coach greeted me at the finish line. I learned a lot about myself out there. I am very proud of everything I did out there that day and it will be something I will never forget.

However, once I got home and the cheering stopped, I had no support crew, and I had time to think, things got bad mentally and to top it off I was diagnosed with sever bronchitis and by doctor's orders I was not allowed to work out for 2 weeks. When I get down and stressed what do I do? I hit the gym and work through it. This time I couldn't and I let it get to me big time. I let my negative thoughts take over.

I decided I wasn't going to do anymore triathlons for this season. I didn't like how I performed at the one in July, so decided that was it. My wonderful coach has told me multiple times that I shouldn't base anything on that race because I was sick, but mentally it did me in. Instead of focusing on how much I had accomplished that day or how much I had accomplished so far on my journey. My mind quickly turned to the dark side. I'm talking Darth Vadar Dark.

My thoughts turned back to my fat girl thoughts. Instead of focusing on the 90+ pounds I have lost and kept off I was and still am a little (since I'm being honest here) focused on how fat I am, how fat I was race day, how much I hate my flabby arms and my huge thighs. I actually started questioning whether or not I should even follow my dream of becoming an Ironman and racing in Kona someday.

These were my thoughts during my two weeks off from working out. I finally got the ok to workout and the same week got news that would change my life drastically (I will let you know what that news is in due time). It was more than I could handle mentally. I retreated into my turtle shell.

I started ignoring and avoiding the very people that are my biggest supporters. My coach, didn't call or email him, quit going to Weight Watchers for a couple weeks (Don't worry I am going this week), barely went to the gym, wasn't blogging or really facebooking. The people I was talking to I really wasn't telling what was really going on. I slowly started turning to food again and was putting some weight back on. I had given up. I was shutting down. I didn't know climb out of the pit I had let myself fall into. I had lost sight of my goals. I had lost my motivation. I needed and still need help.

One person that knew I was having a hard time was my chiropractor, Dr. Kevin O'hara. After a couple weeks of avoiding him I finally went. He looked me in th eye and asked me what was going on. I told him what I was going through, everyone I was avoiding, and why I was avoiding them. I told him I was depressed, not eating right, not working out, and gaing some weight back.

There was no way he was going to put up with this. He's not only my awesome chiropractor, he's also my friend, and one of my biggest cheerleaders. He did a little thing called tough love on me. Dr. Kevin told me he wouldn't let me mess everything I've worked so hard for. He told me to get back to WW, contact my coach, and start working out again.

He really made me think about what road I wanted to go down. The road that continues to my better health or the road back to the unfit, fat me. He said if I didn't get a grip soon or as my friend Andy says, "Suck it up buttercup" that I would end up where I started. That scared me really bad. At this point I had already gained about 6 pounds back (which currently I have lost 5 of. Yay me!) and I had slipped into old, very old eating habits. I knew Dr. Kevin was right. I was already sliding down that slippery slope to the old me and it was going to take all I had to climb back up the slope.

I called my best friend, Dar, and told her everything. I emailed my coach and talked to him. That was very hard because I felt like such a failure. He told me what I needed to hear and challenged all the excuses I had let creep back into my vocabulary. I called my WW leader and told him what was going on and that I had been avoiding meetings. The last time I avoided a few meetings I ended up being gone a long time and gaining all my weight back, so I told him to hold me accountable and make sure I came back to our meetings. He promised me to help me get back. Since our talk I went to a WW meeting. It was in Massachusetts, while out of town, but it was a meeting and I'm glad I went.

These are all things that I needed to do. I feel so much better. Writing this blog post has been therapeutic. I have put myself out there. I have been honest. I am back. I am starting to get back to where I need to be. Please ask me how I am doing, eating, working out, and please help hold me accountable. I never want to go back to where I was and to be honest I got very close. I'm so glad for the love and support I have from so many. Please keep it coming.

So like I said above this was written around August 19, during my Massachusetts trip. I got very sick, came home and ended up in the hospital getting my gall bladder out. I am now recovering, but keeping my spirits up and not allowing myself to go where I was for the last month. Like I said before I refuse to go back to where I was. I am back to losing weight, thinking positive, and will be able to work out in a few weeks. Life is good.

My Olympic Distance Triathlon Race Report

2010-07-22T10:47:00.000-07:00

July 11th, 2010 I would be attempting something that I had never tried before. I would be attempting an Olympic Distance Triathlon. That means I would be swimming .9 miles, biking 24.2 miles and running a 10k (6.2 miles). This was another rung I needed to climb on my ladder to the Ironman Distance.

I had some challenges leading up to this race. I had taken a family vacation from July 19th-July 5th. We got home around midnight July 5th, so as you can tell I only had 6 days until my triathlon. On my trip I did what I could. I ran almost everyday and once I was in Southern California I went swimming at the local YMCA. I did what I could, but I was still on vacation. I was not on my regular sleeping schedule and wasn't able to eat like I really wanted to. On top of all that I had gotten sick early on in my vacation and was still feeling the affects of that after getting home. Wednesday, July 7th, I was hit bad with a cough and wheezing. I knew going into this race it would be tough, but I had trained. I had done all the distances, so I knew that I could do it and finish. I just wasn't sure at this point how well I could do it.

The good thing about doing this distance for the first time is that I had no time to try and beat, so that took pressure off of me. If you are an athlete of any kind, you know that once you have a time, you want to beat it the next time around. I was glad that wasn't the case for me this time. A few people asked me, "what was my time goal for the whole race" and honestly I hadn't set one. I was thinking in the back of my head that I would like to finish it in 4 hours, but really I just wanted to finish.

Since starting to get sick on Wednesday I really rested and did whatever I could to feel better before race day. I was feeling pretty good the day before the race, so I decided to go ahead and do it. I got plenty of sleep and woke up on schedule. I ate my pre-race breakfast of Oatmeal and some fruit. Packed up my gear in the car and headed out. I thought I would feel nervous, but wasn't yet. My coach had told me when I felt nervous to think of it as excitement rather than nerves, so that is what I was doing. I cranked up Black Eyed Peas "Imma B." I have changed some of the words to make it a triathlon song, so I was cranking that and singing my new lyrics (and no I will not post that here), then came "Ive Got a Feeling." That was cranked when I pulled into the parking lot. Instead of singing, "I've got a feeling that tonight's gonna be a good night" I was singing, "I've got a feeling that today's gonna be a good day." I was in the zone of positive thinking, smiling at everyone I met as I approached transition and was feeling great as I approached transition to get set up.

I got all set up and ready to go. This is the first race where I was signed up as an Athena. That is a division where all the women athletes weigh 150 pounds or more. When I got the the rack to set up it was obvious that I was well over 150 pounds. That started to play games with me mentally, but then I stopped my negative talk and knew that I earned my spot on that rack like the rest of them. I had trained, I had lost weight, I had every right to be there as the thinnest athlete. I was not going to let those negative thoughts get the better of me and I didn't. I finished setting up and it was time to get my timing chip and body marked.

I knew my Masters Swim Coach, Marsha, was volunteering so I went and found her before getting my timing chip and body marked. I found her. She was so supportive and encouraging before the race. It was so great to have her out there. She reminded me that I had swam the distance before, that I could do it and said some other stuff that I don't remember. Marsha has really been there for me through really learning how to swim. In my first Masters Swim class I couldn't swim 25 yards without stopping and even had a panic attack that class. Marsha talked me through it all and here I was about to swim a mile in a triathlon with her there. It was great!! I got my timing chip and by that time Darlene was there and setting up her transition area. When she was done we got body marked together. It's always great when we can do a race together. We may not see each other on the course, but knowing she is out there is a great feeling of support.

Next up, the waiting game. We were in wave 5 of 9 waves. The race started around 7am and we were in the water at 717 I believe. I got to see my family before the race. It was so great to have them there for me. Parker was upset because he was at summer camp. When he got home one of the first things he said was, "Mom, I need to see your triathlon pictures." That meant a lot to me. Here is Dar and I before the race waiting by the lake for our wave to start.

We headed to the beach after this to line up and wait for our wave to go when I heard my name. Four of my friends from Weight Watchers had come to watch me race. The nice thing about this race was it was in Lake Zurich, IL. That is literally 10 minutes from my house and the same town where I go to Weight Watchers and workout at the YMCA, so quite a few people came to cheer me on. It was an amazing feeling to see so many people out there for me. I said hi to them and then went and lined up. That's when the nerves hit me. I hadn't done to much lake swimming in preparation and now that I could see the buoys and how far it looked I started doubting myself and wondering why the heck I thought I could do this. Next up wave 5. I pushed any negative thoughts out, hugged Dar, told her to have fun, told myself that, and then BOOM, we were off.

I started off in a good rhythm, but it was hard to sight because of swimming right into the sun, but I was able to make it to the first buoy without anything too exciting happening. I had to stop a few times to get my bearings, but then would get on my way again. My breathing was off and it was hard, but I knew I could do it. I turned around the first buoy and was going and then BAM, I had major cramping in my right foot. Had stopped to stretch it out and continued to swim, only using my arms. I was thankful for all the swim practice with the pull buoys. However, it was at this point that I was trying to hack up a lung. I mean, really, who needs both lungs while swimming. Seriously, at this point when I was swimming along, stroke, stroke, hack, hack, breathing, repeat. I knew it was going to be a long day, but then there I was in the water, at this point not sure if I was the last swimmer, but knew I was close, I heard someone yelling, "You've got this Melissa, keep going." It was a fellow Master Swimmer. He was one of the support crew in a kayak. For the rest of the swim, every time I breathed to my right I could see him along side of me. It was great and I was very thankful for his support and encouragement at this point. It is just what I needed right at that moment. I also could see the many boats at this point, so figured I was the last person out there. Here is a picture of all the boats that were following me. You can see my little head in there somewhere.

The shore was getting closer and closer and I couldn't have been happier. Here I am getting out of the water. I had lots of friends and my family there waiting for me. I saw someone from the YMCA, my swim coach, my family, and my weight watcher friends. It was amazing. It took me an hour to finish the swim.

Once I was out of the water I headed into transition. As I was running to transition, which was about 1/4 of a mile swim, I started wheezing, almost hyperventilating, and crying a little. Marsha was running along side me, encouraging me, telling me what a great job I did, telling me I could do it, reminding me I was just on vacation, and not feeling well. SHe also told me to slow down and that i could walk to transition, but I didn't want to walk and am proud to say I jogged the whole way to tranistion.

I could see Tricia out of the corner of my eye running besides me and I made sure to tell her that I was ok. I knew I was, but I just needed to regroup. Later I found out that my friend Sharon, from the YMCA, was also running next to me. She and I have become fast friends and it was great to see her while I was in transition about to head out on my bike. I headed into transition and really was trying to catch my breath and calm down. I was told heading into transition that I was not the last swimmer, but once I hit transition I knew that was a lie as I was the last bike in the whole area. I was able to transition more quickly than I thought and got my bike and headed out of there. Here I am heading out on my bike.

My breathing was now under control and I was on my way. I started biking and knew that it was going to be a challenge pretty much out of the gate. What was nice was even though I was last out of the water there were still people out on the bike for the second loop. It was nice to be back by other athletes.

I was getting a good pace going and then all of the sudden it was like my legs had been set in cement and the cement was starting to set. I was approximately at mile 10 when this happened. I tried to get up out of the saddle to stretch my legs out and my arms were like jelly. I guess all the swimming I did without my legs took its toll on my arms. I have never had arm fatigue on a bike ride before. This route was more hilly than I had anticipated and there was no way for me to be out of the saddle on the hills due to the fatigue in my arms and legs. I had never had this happen before and it was at this point I knew the reat of the bike was going to be tough. All of this was happening between mile 10-12 on the bike.

I was approaching a group of volunteers that were yelling. There job was to tell people whether or not they needed to do another loop or head into transition. There was a little miscommunication and I was sent towards transition. I realized it very quickly, vented my frustration out loud, turned around and headed back for my second loop.

I headed out on my second loop, all by myself, and that’s when the mind games started. What was I thinking doing this? You think you can do an Ironman? Did you see how big you were compared to the other athletes? Right away I squished those thoughts because I realized how amazing I was. I knew I could do this. I know that I will be able to do an Ironman, and I yelled at myself, out loud, to shut up. I hadn’t thought of quitting up to this point and wasn’t going to start. I knew that this second loop would be a battle, but I just kept telling myself to keep peddling and stay positive.

Right after I had this conversation with myself I realized I wasn’t alone anymore. I had my very own police escort. At first this pissed me off and on one of the first, very tiny hills I came to I hear this voice coming from the motorcycle, “Come on just push it. Push harder.” At this point I must admit I really didn’t want the cop coaching me. I was pushing it as hard as I could and I didn’t need him making me feel worse than I was already feeling.

I decided if he kept it up I would tell him kindly, to shut up, but what ended up happening is that he was so encouraging the rest of the bike. He asked me my name. He cheered me on. He kept me going on those hills. Not only did I not tell him to shut up, but when he got quiet I asked him to keep cheering. Marty, my police guardian angel, is a HUGE part of why I finished. We made it through the bike and he sat at the edge of transition while I got ready to run. I came in off the bike. I could hardly walk at this point, almost fell over in transition. People were there, collecting their gear and rooting for me. I didn’t see my family at this point, but saw a friend from Weight Watchers cheering me on. Later she told me, “When I saw you getting off the bike and getting ready to run I knew there was no way I would have ever done that. I would have laid down at that point and cried.” It was great to have here there cheering me on. I did the bike in 2 hours.

I headed out on the run. My legs wobbling and feeling like they were ready to give out at any moment. It was going to be the biggest challenge, mentally, that I had ever faced in my life. Marty was right there cheering me on. At one point he had to go get gas so someone named, Bob, was there on a bike riding along with me, encouraging me. I told Bob as he was about to bike away, “Please keep the finish line open for me. I need to cross that finish line.” He told me he would see what he could do.

The run was hot, it was hard, and honestly looking back on it, I don’t remember much about it. I was doing the walk, kind of jog, shuffle, walk, routine. Marty came back and was again cheering me on. At one point we were talking while I was walking and it turns out that Marty does Marathons as a charity runner, so was determined to see me to the finish line.

There was a nice lady somewhere along the route that came out and greeted me and said just around the corner they had a sprinkler set up and that she would be there cheering me on. She also told me she was one of the Kayak people out in the water and that she was cheering for me all day. Sure enough when I got around the corner, there she was with a cowbell I believe and a sprinkler. It was so refreshing and just what I needed at that moment. God really knows what we need, when we need it, even when we don’t know what we need or what to ask for. Pretty cool.

Around mile 4 Bob came back on his bike and told me he didn’t think he could keep the finish line open for me. I only had 2.2 miles left and that is not what I needed to hear at that moment. I burst into tears and told him, “I needed a finish line.” He biked ahead, I plugged along, but at this point I was just hysterically sobbing. I think it was just from the whole day and knowing how hard I fought. At that point I didn’t even need to have an official time. I just needed a chute and a finish line. I just mentally could not come back into that park to no finish line. At that point though I knew there was nothing left to do, but keep plugging along and get to the park and see my friends and family.

I knew it would be harder if I kept crying so I remembered what a couple of my triathlete friends had told me in the past, “Suck it up Buttercup.” So, that is what I did. I sucked it up, stopped crying like a girl, and dug in to get this race finished. Whether or not there would be a finish line I knew I was finishing what I had started almost 5 hours earlier.

Bob came back up on his bike and told me they would have a finish line for me. I was so happy. Marty was still there cheering me along and then at some point before mile 5 a lady volunteer asked if I minded her running with me. I told her I didn’t mind, but didn’t know how much I would be able to talk. She said that was fine. At one point she asked me something so funny I almost burst out laughing, but really didn’t have the energy to do so. She asked me, “So what pace are you running at? I don’t want to slow you down or mess up your pace?” How sweet is that? I just smiled and said, “I’m on pace to finish.”

We turned a corner and it was home stretch to head back into the park and finish. I have people honking from their cars, Marty on my right and look up and who is coming towards me, but my husband, daughter, a friend, and my coach. Coach was on his bike asked me how I was doing. I answered, “Coach it was tough out there today.” He said he would meet me back at the finish line.

My daughter, Keith, and friend Siren were there to see me to the finish line. The next thing I know there is another cop pulling up and she handed me Body Glide and said, “This is from your friend, Darlene, in case you need it.” At that point I did need it. Keith got this great picture of me and Marty as I was coming into the finish line.

I was heading into the park, very emotional, and ready to finish strong. From what I hear it was quite the fanfare I had with the police escorts and all. I look up and there are about 20 people holding flags, so I would have a chute to run through. These were family members, my coach, weight watcher friends, Darlene was there, Darlene's family, and people I didn't even know that waited for me to finish. It was amazing and something I will soon not forget. They were all there for me, cheering me on, encouraging me on in my journey.

The run took me a total of 2 hours to complete. Every step I was in pain, but every step I knew I could do it and finish. I learned a lot out there about myself. I learned that no matter what I will finish something I started. In my wildest dreams I would have never put myself at the starting line of an Olympic Distance Triathlon. I would have never dreamed even a few years ago that I would have accomplished what I did out there. It was the biggest mental challenge of my life. It was the biggest physical challenge of my life so far. I had easy childbirths, so yes, this was harder then having kids. I overcame the mental battle and completed the physical battle. For someone who was once 306.2 pounds this was a huge accomplishment for me. I never once thought of quitting and that, too, is huge. I had every reason too, everyone would have understood, but it never even crossed my mind.

Another aspect that came out during this race is all the people that care about me on my journey. ALl the people that are there cheering me on. Before race day I had all kinds of wishes on my phone, emails, facebook. I had people at the start line, that probably had better things to do that day then to get up on a weekend at 7am to see me off. The finish line is something I will never forget. I had people from all walks of my life out to cheer me on. Here is a couple pictures of everyone that was there for me at the end. This doesn't count all the people there for me throughout the day. It was this support that really showed me how much my life and what I am doing is touching other people's lives and for that I am truly grateful. I hope that through my determination and courage and I can inspire someone else to get off the coach and do great things with their lives.

One thing that I love that my coach often says is, "this is an opportunity for greatness. Are you going to accept this opportunity?" July 11, 2010 was a tough day for me. I had everything working against me from the swim to the finish line, but I accepted the opportunity of greatness and had a great day out there. People worried that this would make me feel negative about triathlons. The opposite happened. It has made me even more on fire to hit my weight loss goals as soon as I can, get as fit as I can, and kick some booty out there next year. Next year, is the year I am slated to do a Half Ironman and a marathon. I'm very excited and say, "BRING IT ON." This triathlon showed me how mentally strong I am and I cannot wait to catch up physically.

Three days after the Triathlon I was diagnosed as having severe bronchitis and a bad sinus infection. I was told I probably shouldn't have done the triathlon by my doctor. Obviously, he doesn't know triathletes very well. :-) I am not able to workout for two weeks now. I just finished my 1 week working out and am still wheezing and coughing, so it is one more week of rest then I am back at the gym and get the next chapter in my journey started.

Here are my official times for the day. In my mind these times really don't matter. I finished a hard race and learned a lot about myself in the process. That's official enough for me, but I know all my tri friends like the numbers, so here you go.

Swim 1:01:48 T1 6:00 Bike 2:03:35 T2 2:30 Run 1:53:49 - Total Time 5:07:4

Hardest Tri Ever!!

2010-07-12T23:00:00.000-07:00

First of all, let me say THIS IS NOT MY RACE REPORT. I am missing a camera cord and cannot do a race report without pictures. Ok, I can, but it's not my style.

I just got home from helping a friend of mine and cannot sleep and was reliving some of my day yesterday. Yesterday was my first Olympic Distance Triathlon. It was the HARDEST TRI EVER for me (I'm sure I will look back on this day and laugh someday, but as of right now not laughing so much). I will go into details in my race report, but I knew half way through the swim it would be a battle and boy was it ever.

I learned so much about myself out there and I just couldn't wait to share a few thoughts with you. I learned no matter what I am up against I can fight with determination to make it through. I had many opportunities where I could have just called it quits and everyone would have understood, but the exciting thing is, the new and improved Melissa never even let that thought cross her mind. Every swim stroke, every bike stroke, and every time my foot hit the pavement I knew I was closer to that finish line and it was worth the fight.

There were a few points, as I was the last athlete on the course, that I would let my mind wander and the little devil Melissa would crawl on my shoulder and start whispering things like, "You shouldn't have tried this. Did you see how big you were compared to the other athletes? What were you thinking? Your gonna do an Ironman? Ha." Then I would literally say out loud, "Would you shut up. I deserve to be out here as much as the first place finisher. I've trained, I'm doing this." I had a few of these moments, but I shut them down really quickly and proceeded on my way.

Yesterday was hard, but it has remotivated me. It has shown me what I am made up. I never knew just how much courage and determination I really do have. My coach has told me before that he can't wait until I start believing all that I am capable of. He has also told me that "most athletes who race do not have the courage you display. You will be a very strong (physically) athlete in time. Keep working hard. Keep trying hard. You are doing it- one buoy at a time." He posted that on my facebook today.

After my race yesterday I actually believe that someday I will be a strong athlete both physically and mentally. I am getting there mentally and soon the physical will follow. I will be able to do WHATEVER it is I set my mind to. I have courage. I have strength. I have determination.

A lot of people were rooting for me. It took me a little over 5 hours to do it in. I had to fight the whole way. Someone who was in charge of the race came to check on me when I was done. After asking me how I was feeling he told me that he had one more question for me. He asked, "I just want to know what is next for you?" I told him probably a sprint triathlon end of August. He was very happy with that answer because I did not let yesterday, and all the struggles, get me down.

Yesterday was hard. One of the hardest things I have had to do to date, but yet I never quit, never thought of quitting and I finished. Wow, that's pretty amazing. Shoot, I'm pretty amazing. Maybe I needed my HARDEST TRI EVER to realize this.

I cannot wait to get to the gym tomorrow and get this next chapter started.

Next up for me. Hitting 100 pounds lost, doing another triathlon end of August and then who knows what else, but I can't wait to find out.

My favorite quote that took on so much more meaning to me yesterday is this:

"The miracle isn't that I finished. The miracle is that I even had the courage to start." -John J. Bingham. I've started and I won't quit EVER until I cross the Ironman Finish line. . . . . . . . . . . in Kona. :-)

Love unconditionally without expectations

2010-07-07T21:06:00.000-07:00

Today was a very interesting counseling session.
It was a hard one.
My counselor asked me what sounded like a simple question. Let's talk about our goals and where we want to go from here with our counseling sessions.
So, I pondered that and said I don't want to keep having expectations that are not met, and when they are not met it negatively affects my life and this mainly revolves around relationships in my life.

We began to discuss this and then he said something that stuck out. He said, "Melissa, Love unconditionally with no expectations and good things will begin to happen." I may not be quoting him directly.

If I just love people the way they come, have no conditions, have no expectations, just love 'em things beyond what I can even imagine will begin to happen. Sounds easy and at first I didn't think I really had conditions I was putting on people, but come to find out after a hard session I realized it was basically like I was saying, "I'll love you if A,B, and C happens." Now most of you that know me would probably think that last statement can't be true. I'm Melissa. I love and accept everyone. I do, but there are certain relationships where I felt like I had rights to these relationships, that I was owed certain things, that I deserved it.

My counselor said something else that stuck. He said not to let go of my longings. We all long to be loved. We all long great relationships and there is nothing wrong with that, but I need to make sure"I understand the longing, don't squish it, but realize where it is coming from and why I am longing for it."

I want to love unconditionally and not have unmet expectations side line me and hurt me anymore. Tonight I let go of all my expectations and will start loving everyone in my life unconditionally.

I also am going to work on being "crazy grateful" as James says. Sometimes I find myself only focusing on the negative and I need to start being "crazy grateful." When you are "crazy grateful, it will open your heart and warm your heart." My heart needed warming today and James helped me see how easy it really is.

So my advice for today. . . . .

"Love unconditionally without expectations because if you want something from someone you are not loving them unconditionally."

Start being "crazy grateful." You will see changes in your life.

James, even though I'm doodling in my notebook and not making eye contact during our sessions, I am listening. :-) Thanks.

Thoughts on a plane

2010-06-19T20:25:00.000-07:00

This blog post was written on a plane while flying from Chicago to Reno to start our family vacation. Here it is:

I am frustrated because I didn't get to weigh-in at Weight Watchers today. I was all set to go before leaving for my trip, but something happend beyond my control and I couldn't go!! :-(

I haven't missed a meeting in 19 months and I do not like that I missed today. I really wanted to know how much I weighed before leaving, so I weighed my self on 'ol unreliable and it says 213.

My goal for the next three weeks on vacation is to be active, eat right, have fun, and lose 8 pounds. That will put me at 101 pounds lost. I can do it!!

Another frustrating thing regarding Weight Watchers is that I forgot my official Weight Watchers folder and member card. Those are the items I need to attend meetings anywhere in the country. I looked up meetings where I would be and was planning on going, so now not only have I missed my first meeting in 19 months, but I'll be missing three. UGH! :( I'm going to call Weith Watchers and see if they can help, but if not that's ok.

Now, I know some of you are thinking, "Sheesh, Melissa, You're on vacation, give yourself a break!" I've had enough breaks in life. I've lived that way too long. "It's the weekend. I'm taking Weight Watchers off." It's my birthday and I'll eat what I want to." " I'm on vacation. I have to eat at all those resatraunts we don't have in Illinois." You get the idea.

There is always a vacation, birthday, weekend, or some celebration. Take those holidays off from eating right and what do you get? An unhealthy, fat, depressed 300 pound woman. I refuse to do that anymore and that is why the whole Weight Watcher thing is bugging me.

On a positive note I was looking over the agenda for our trip and talking it over with the family and some friends. We are White Water rafting, hiking 2 days in Yosemite, possible kayaking, Ocean swimming, hotel swimming, walking @ Disneyland, and a possible 5k or spin class with Bob Harper from Biggest Loser (The last two are just for me.)

Tricia was listening to all this and said, "Mom, when will we rest?" I answered, "When we get home." :-)

I realized this is the first vacation where I will be able to do everything and want to do everything. There is a weight limit for white water rafting. Guess what? I'm 47 pounds below it. Hiking in Yosemite, bring it on. In years past I would have hiked, but would have had to stop and possibly not even finish.

Summer of 2008 was our last big family vacation and the last vacation where I was BIG. I was 300 pounds. We did an East Coast Trip. New York, Colonial WIlliamsburg, and DC. I was out o fshape, tired, feet and back hurting , and constantly maing my family wait for me. This year I have a feeling I'll be waiting for them.

One more exciting thing. Last trip when I sat in the aisle seat on the plane I had to lift the middle armrest and ask for a seat belt extender, then put the arm rest down after seat belting. My hips always hurt after the flight from being squished in the seat. This trip, sat down, didn't even think about the arm rest, pulled my seat belt tight, and had room to spare. I started smiling so big, told Tricia to take in the moment with me and then had her take this picture, so I could always remember this moment. The picture is of me with the seat belt extended all the way. Look how much space there is. That is how much I had to have it extended and it still wouldn't fit. Wahooooo!! Sorry about my hair, that was after a nap on the plane.

All I have to say about this trip is:

California-Bring it On!! Are you ready for me?

Just a side note to my thoughts on if I took off holidays and such. I made a list of every month and all the holidays. If I took them off and ate whatever I wanted I would never lose weight. Take a look:

Jan. New Year's Day.
Feb. Super Bowl and Velentine's Day.
March- St. Patrick's Day
April-Easter
May-Mother's Day and Memorial Day
June-Father's Day, Graduation, Best Friend's Birthday, and our anniversary
July-Parker's Bday, July 4th, family vacation
August-Back to School and Family BBQ's
September-Labor Day
October-my bday, Tricia's bday, halloween
November-Thanksgiving and Keith's Bday
December-Christmas all month

Don't take Holidays and celebrations off. You can do it even through all the celebrations.

The Daily Herald Article goes online

2010-06-15T23:18:00.000-07:00

I heard from the reporter about my Daily Herald article. It was not supposed to be online, but some readers contacted the reporter because they wanted it online. She asked her editor and today it was online by this after noon. Enjoy.

http://www.dailyherald.com/story/?id=388010

Naperville Triathon Race Report

2010-06-14T21:24:00.000-07:00

Sunday, June 13, 2010 was the U.S. Women's Triathlon Series in Naperville, Illinois. It is a sprint triathlon. We swam 1/2 mile, biked 14.2 miles and ran a 5k, which is 3.1 miles. I woke up a little late and felt a little rushed in the morning, but was off and running and felt fine once I got to Dars. We arrived in tranistion with about 45 minutes to get set up.

Here I am in Transition getting my bike on the rack. It was little chilly when we first got there, but I was warm by the time I set up my tranistion area, so I was able to take off the sweat shirt and just head down to the water in my tri suit.

Here I am by my bike in tranistion after I was all ready to go. Check out my new tri suit. Wahoooo!! Looking good.

Here I am with Darlene. She is the one who got me into triathlons back in 2006. In 2005 I was at a fitness camp and they challenged us to do a race of some sort in 2006 to keep us motivated through the year. I called Dar and told her about that, she called me back and told me that she read about triathlons, I thought she was nuts, but said, "why not?" We did our first Sprint Tri in Naperville in 2006. This triathlon marks #5 for both of us.

Here I am with my great friend Michelle. We met through our blogs years ago. We both were into Triathlons. She has done this tri before, but couldn't this year, but she volunteered and was there for me all day, cheering me on. She loaned me her wetsuit, but I didn't have to use it because the water was warm enough. Michelle, thanks for all the hugs and smiles along the way. They kept me going.

Here is the swim start. Darlene and I were in wave 15. It didn't start until 7:56 even though the race started at 7am. It was a cloudy day, warm, but not hot, perfect conditions for a triathlon. We were a little worried about rain or as forcasted earlier in the week, low 80's and humid. It had rained the night before cooling off the temps. We couldn't have asked for better weather.

Once we get to the swim start and wait for our wave Dar and I have a little fun posing for pictures and creating our own body markings. Here I am posing by a tree showing off the new me in my new tri suit.

Dar and I always write fun things on our legs to encourage others. This year we wrote how much weight we have lost. Darlene has lost 50 pounds and I have lost almost 100 pounds. I could really tell the difference in my performance without the extra weight. It was amazing.

I really like this picture. Words cannot begin to describe how proud I am of myself. We got in line with our wave and kept moving up in the water. I was able to talk to the guy on the Mic and he had annouced how much weight Darlene and I had lost and wish Darlene a Happy Birthday. I was not nervous at all this time. The swim is the hardest part for me and usually I am a nervous wreck. I really was at peace when he told us to go. The swim start was a little rough, got hit a couple times, hit a couple people,but the time had come for me to get this done and finish strong. My swim was great. I felt strong. I did freestyle the whole time. My first triathlon ever in 2006, I freestyled, back stroked, doggy paddled, had a panick attack, and side stroked my way to the swim finish. This time I free styled the whole way and never panicked once. I almost cried getting out of the water it was so great. I have done this race 3 times before. My best swim time ever before today was 21:27. This year I did the swim in 18:25. Yay me!!!! I guess all those flip turns paid off.

After the swim I headed into Tranistion 1 to change for the bike. My friend Michelle was working the first aid station and snapped this picture of me heading into Tranistion. Since I had a tri suit on that I would wear the whole race all I had to do was get socks and shoes on and my helmet, then get out of there. From the end of the swim to the tranisition area is about 1/4 of a mile long. In previous years I walked that, this year, I ran. Booyah. Best tranistion 1 time in the past was 7:30, this year 5:56.

This picture is of me after the bike heading in to transition to the run. I felt really strong on the bike and even had fun cheering on my fellow bikers, telling them how sexy they all looked in spandex. It was fun and it was nice to see that I made people smile. My best bike from years past was 57:47, this year I did it in 54:07. I need to get stronger on my bike, but am very proud of the improvement.

This is me with the kids right before heading into tranistion. I didn't get to see them before the race, so this was my first time seeing them. They are the reason I started this healthy journey and I love that they can come out and see me race. I love them soooo much.

Here I am runnning my bike into the transition area. You are not allowed to ride your bike in the transition area, so there is an area where you have to dismount your bike. Keith caught this picture of me on my way in.

Normally I would not like to have a butt shot of me, but I am so excited by this picture because of just how good my butt looks and in spandex to boot.

After biking I headed into my second tranistion and headed out on the run. I felt very strong on the run. I was determined not to walk any of it and I didn't. I pushed hard to the point, when people would tell me good job I couldn't even answer. I would have to do a head nod or a wave, so they knew I acknowledged them. My mantra became, "You can rest at the finish line." I would repeat that to the beat of my running. As I was running I would start to think of how far I had come and would start to tear up, so I would stop thinking about it. I started hunting half way through the run. I would zero in on my prey and hunt them down until I passed them. It was great. This was the best I have ever felt on a run and my time showed it. My best time from previous years was 55:53 and this year, DRUM ROLL PLEASE, I did the run in 38:39. This is just AMAZING because I have NEVER done a 5k in under 45 minutes. NOW THAT'S WHAT I'M TALKING ABOUT!! This picture is of me almost done with my run heading into the finish line.

The path was lined with spectators cheering us on and here I am just around the corner from the finish line.

Parker met me at the finisher's chute and ran in with me. This was a great moment for me to run with him. He and Tricia are why I am doing this and to have him running at my side was great.

When I crossed the finish line I was greeted by Darlene giving me my medal. It was very emotional as we both have overcome so much to get where we are today. I am so happy that Keith kept snapping away. These are pictures I will cherish for a long time. Dar and I both cried at our HUGE accomplishments and it will be a moment I never forget.

I was in tears at this point. I knew at this point I had shaved about 30 minutes off my PR. In reality it was 27 minutes. Isn't that amazing? Oh yeah it is. :-)

I love this shot of the finish line. Can you find me and Darlene?

And here is the reason we race, THE BLING!!

After the race with the kids. I loved Tricia's hat and let me tell you, that made it so much easier to find them in the crowd.

Tricia and Parker I love you so much. Thanks for coming out to the race and cheering me on. I could not do this without your smiling faces in the crowd and your cheers. I love you both so much and you mean the world to me.

The sweet, sweet, family shot.

Me and my honey. Thanks for everything. I love you so much and apprecite your support and encouragement on my journey. Thanks for all the hours I am able to work out and go the gym and thank for accepting the fact that I am part of this crazy thing we call Triathlon. Even when you don't get it, you accept it, and love me through it all and that's all someone can ask for.

My cool babe!!

Check out Tricia's glasses. Who do you see?

This is me after the race calling a few of my friends to let them know how bananas my triathlon was. Don't you think my phone is quite appealing?

This is a lady named Melinda, but her friends call her Millie. We met on the bike. I slowed down and talked to her for a few seconds. She is on an amazing journey herself and has lost 65 pounds already. This is a picture of her crossing the finish line. This was her first triathlon and I am so proud of her. Millie, way to go and way to kick my butt on the swim. She did the swim in 16 minutes.

Here we are after the race showing off our bling.

This race was an amazing race for me. I could tell how much stronger I have become and I really look forward to future races as I continue to lose more weight and become more and more stronger. I really want to take a minute to thank my coach, Bob Mitera, of Kokua Multisports. Bob, I know I do all the work, but if I didn't have you coaching me along I wouldn't be where I am today. I appreicate all you do for me. I appreciate all the time you spend creating my workouts, talking to me on the phone, meeting me at the park to workout and you know what means a lot to me, when you do the workouts with me. You are a great person, a great coach, and a great friend. Thanks.

Another cool thing about this race is that my number was 150 and that is my goal weight. I'm on my way.

Here are my official times for the U.S. Women's Triathlon Series 2010:

Swim: 18:25
T1:5:56
Bike: 54:07
T2: 3:06
Run: 38:39
Total time: 2:00:11

You create your own health.

2010-06-10T07:05:00.000-07:00

I recently read on a sign that “You Create Your Own Health.”
That statement couldn’t be any more true.
Back in the day I created my health, my poor health.
I didn’t workout. I didn’t eat right. I didn’t care.
What did I create? I created an overweight, unhappy person.

Now I am creating something new.
I am working out. I am eating right.
I have changed my mindset. I have support.
I am offering support. I am on top of my game.
What have I created? I have created a new, healthy me
and I am never turning back.

I love what I have created. Just like an artist creates
a beautiful piece of art, I have created a new piece of art
and I will continue to create new art every day. I am creating
my own health.

What are you creating today? Are you making decisions that
will create good health or poor health? What can you change today
to start creating your masterpiece? You can get off the couch, take a walk,
cut out one thing that you know you shouldn’t be eating or drinking, or turn
off the TV. These are all things that will start you on the way to creating
a better you and better health.

You Create Your Own Health.

Swimsuit THEN Wetsuit NOW

2010-06-08T01:00:00.001-07:00

This is me getting out of the swim at my first triathlon ever in 2006. Um, yeah, not quite sure what to say about this one.

Yesterday, June 7, 2010 I had a friend take this pictures of me in the wetsuit I have borrowed from a friend. This year I'll be looking good coming out of that water. However, I might not even need the wetsuit afterall.

Can't wait to see the pictures next year. I'm very thankful to God for helping me along in this journey. Can't wait to see what He has in store for me.

Bike the Drive THEN and NOW

2010-06-07T17:04:00.000-07:00

THEN-2007

NOW-2010

Fat me vs. the new me

2010-06-06T05:58:00.000-07:00

Two articles about me within 5 days of each other

2010-06-05T20:30:00.000-07:00

It's been really interesting how things are happening for me.

I was recently found by a Daily Herald Newspaper reporter. She found me through my twitter account. She is covering the triathlon I am doing on the 13th and wanted to interview me about my journey. We have met and talked and the article will be published on June 10th. I am very excited because I want everyone to know that whatever their dream they can start living their dream through hard work and perseverance. I will post a link when it is available.

Thursday my daughter, Tricia, started boxing lessons. I was talking to her teacher and he mentioned I could workout while Tricia is learning to box. I told him I was on a weight loss journey and we talked for a few minutes after that.

Fast Forward to today I took Tricia back for her 2nd lesson. Her teacher introduced me to a man named Tim Kane. He just so happens to be a reporter for the Chicago Tribune and a website called www.examiner.com Tricia's teacher introduces us, tells Tim about my story. He went home and wrote an article about me and it is up on examiner.com.

I have the gift of encouragement and I knew when I started this journey that besides getting healthy for me and my family I was also doing it for others. As I go I want to encourage others in their journeys. With the article in the Daily Herald and my article on examiner.com I will be able to reach so many people and maybe, just maybe I will be able encourage someone to get off the couch and change their lives.

If you need to make changes in your life you can. Look at me. I'm living proof that it can be done. I am changing my life and starting to live my dream. Actually, it's no longer a dream, but now my reality and I'm loving every second of it.

Here is the article:

She's Lost More Than 90 Pounds and Wants to Lose 60 more

Some days it's hard, very hard.

2010-06-05T05:11:00.000-07:00

So I have promised myself that I would always be honest talking about my journey. I would talk about the good, the bad, and the ugly. I wouldn't sugar coat anything, so here it goes.

This journey is hard.
I love being on this journey and some days I hate it.
I hate that even after losing 93 pounds I still have to struggle every day with negative thoughts. Now most days I can overcome them and I no longer believe them, but they are there. From what I hear from two friends who combined have lost over 300 pounds, it never goes away. They struggle daily. Even though they are lifetime members at Weight Watchers and are only required to attend one meeting a month, they attend weekly because they need to. They will for the rest of their lives. I will be the same way.

Last week I hit 93 pounds lost. That is huge. I'm so very proud of this accomplishment. The thing is I didn't really do much to lose the 4 pounds that I lost. I'm not even sure how I lost it. I would love to say I worked hard for it, but I didn't. I've had some health issues come up with my stomach and my back and haven't even been able to workout like I want. So, as exciting as it was and is, I don't even know how it happened. I was hoping for just one pound to hit 90 lost and hit 93.
Today I go back to Weight Watchers. I don't want to go. I really don't. I know I gained a couple pounds. As much as people tell me not to weigh myself at home I need to. I'm not obsessive about weighing at home, but I need to know what to expect as I head to the WW scale. It's not going to be pretty today. I know that I gained a couple of pounds. I don't want to go and face it. I don't want to go and hear the Weight Watcherisms from the people that weigh me in. It's not their fault they are just trying to help, but sometimes you just want to weigh in, deal with it alone, and not hear them say anything. And if the people that weigh me in read this please know that I love and appreciate you very much. This is totally about me, NOT YOU!!

I have been having some stomach issues, and some back issues too, so working out has not been easy the last couple of weeks. Also, and I know you guys hate when I talk about this, but I am a lady about to get her period too, so I know this has all played a role in the couple pounds weight gain, so I am not going to beat myself up, but even knowing all these things, and knowing that life happens, it is still hard and that is why I don't want to go to Weight Watchers today.

November 8th, 2008, started my journey for the final time and I am succeeding this time. I promised myself that day that I would never skip another weight watchers meeting and I haven't. That is why I will go today, that is why I will weigh in today. Because I have spent too many years running from my problems and to food for comfort.

I have not had two good weeks in a row at weight watchers in forever. I was hoping this week would change that, but that is my new goal now. I wanted to have lost 100 pounds by my triathlon on the 13th. That most likely won't happen now, but that's ok. My new goal is to see how close I can get. I'm starting again today. I'll go weigh in and start my 2 good weeks in a row goal over. I can do this and I will. I will hit over 100 lost by my triathlon on July 11th. I have never done a triathlon under 200 pounds and I am determined to be under 200 by July 11th.

What I have been doing this morning as I have all these thoughts is to think of my successes that I have had.

-I have lost over 90 pounds
-I am a size 16/18 28's were tight at my heaviest.
-I biked 31 miles last Sunday and only had to stop at the two rest stops they had.
-Someone found me on the Internet and Interviewed me about my journey to be in the Daily Herald this week.
-I started a group at my church with a friend called Healthy Living: Inside and Out, to help other women in the church get healthy.
-I finally love what I see in the mirror.
-I like having my picture taken now.
-I am starting to be able to see the definition of my muscles.
-This is the first time in years that I can truly say I LOVE MYSELF and I DESERVE TO BE HAPPY and I DESERVE SUCCESS.

Writing this has made me feel so much better and ready to face Weight Watchers.
Have a great day today and be great today.

I did it!!

2010-05-29T13:45:00.000-07:00

93 to be exact.
I lost 4.4 pounds this week.
Next up 100 pounds lost, hopefully by June 13th.

Exciting times. There's no stopping me now.

Thanks for all your support and encouragement.

Off To Weight Watchers

2010-05-29T05:31:00.000-07:00

I am very excited to go to Weight Watchers today.
Today I hit a new milestone and I can't wait to see exactly what it is. I will post an update to twitter and facebook right away and will post one on here later today.

Thanks again for all your support and encouragement along the way. I know I have said this a million times, but I mean it every time. I could not be doing this with out all of you. Thanks.

My stomach aches

2010-05-27T05:31:00.000-07:00

So I blogged yesterday about stuff going on and was all ready to go to the gym.
Around 1pm my stomach started killing me, big time. It was hurting so badly that I WANTED to puke, so I would start to feel better.
I had it all planned out, get my kids in bed by 830pm, head to the gym, get in a short swim, bike, and short run. A mini triathlon. I had it all planned out all day. Was ready, excited to go, and BAM, this stomach thing. At 850 I was still at home doubled over on my couch and still trying to figure out if i could go. I finally gave in and decided not to go.
I was upset. I wanted to go to the gym. I couldn't. My body would not allow it.

I decided then and there that I would just move yesterdays workout to today. I have the plan all in my head. Go to the car dealership to get something looked at on my car, go to my chiropractor to follow up on my shoulder and neck that went out on Sunday, go to Runner's High-n-tri to exchange my shoes, go to the gym. It's perfect. I'm smiling while thinking about it. As I was doubled over on the couch I decided that was the plan for today. I woke up this morning and my stomach still hurts, just not as bad, but I decided NO MATTER WHAT I am going to the gym today. It may not be the best workout. I may not be able to finish, but come hell or high water I am working out.

I realized with all the mental crap and physical crap that went on earlier in the week I was starting to make excuses. My neck and shoulder really went out, maybe it's cause I needed the mental break from everything, but now it's better, but I still eeked one extra day out of it, you know to make sure I was ok. Now I have this stomach thing. I'm finding that it would be very easy for me to just NOT work out. You would all understand. My coach would probably understand, but I do not want to fall back into the excuses zone that I used to live EVERYDAY!!

That is why I have decided that today, NO MATTER WHAT, NO MATTER HOW MY STOMACH FEELS, I will be at that gym today.

On a side note. I have gone to the doctor a couple times to start figuring out my stomach issues. If you are close to me you know my deal with doctors. I have not followed through on what they have told me because of some fears that I have. Yesterday and today have made me realize that NOW is the time to really take care of this once and for all. There is NO WAY I can be an Ironman if I can't even control stomach issues on a day where I don't have a hard workout. Can you imagine what I would be like on race day, 2.4 mile swim, 112 mile bike, 26.2 mile run. I will not finish if I do not start figuring this stuff out now. Today, on my blog, I am declaring a new era in my life. A new era of going to the doctor and doing what the doctor says.

Just for those of you who might not know my history. My mom died at age 53 from cancer. It was in her colon, but because of being overweight was misdiagnosed. By the time they found it, it was too late. She died 7 months later. I don't trust doctors very much and finally found one I liked and trusted and he is no longer seeing everyday patients in his practice. He brought in two new doctors and is only doing physical therapy now. I really wish I could see him, but I can't and I need to get over it. Please hold me accountable, but don't give me a hard time.

New day!! Yay!!

2010-05-26T07:08:00.000-07:00

So the last few days a lot has been sloshing around in this noggin' of mine.
I woke up with a sore neck and shoulder a few days ago and to be honest I was happy.
I needed a break from everything.
I am still very proud of all I have done. I am a new person.
I still feel incredibly proud of myself for being able to put on a wetsuit.
I am incredibly proud that I did a 10k recently.
I feel proud that my thighs don't rub together anymore.
I am proud that I can swim and not have fear in the pool anymore.
I want my picture taken now because I LOVE how I look in pictures. I'm pretty cute now!! :-)
I am super proud when my kids make healthy choices without me helping them.
I am proud of all this and so much more, but (you knew there had to be a but coming)
this journey is hard. I had some stuff thrown my way and even though I am handling it WAY better than I would have in the past it still puts doubts in my mind. I start to second guess myself, start to question things.
These are all things that I would discuss with my counselor, but he is taking a couple weeks off. I realized yesterday how much I look forward to my counseling sessions. How it makes the week a little easier cause I know when something stresses me out I have James to talk to. I have come to rely on James for this help and maybe this time off from counseling has made me realize just how much I have come to rely on him. What am I going to do when James is gone? What if I can't always get counseling? This had made me realize I need to figure this all out. James is great and is helping me greatly, but just realized yesterday how much I'm missing him and his input. I could email him, but I want to try and do this on my own without his input and see how I do. So far I've been doing just ok, but I plan on doing better this next week and guess what? I'm back to counseling the first Wednesday in June. I wish our session could be two hours and not just one.

So with all this emotional crap going on in my head, I have not done what I needed to do with working out and eating like I should. Again, needed the break from it all to clear my head. I woke up this morning feeling like my head is clear. I decided last night that today I would weigh myself, pretend like today is the first day of my journey, and get my butt back in gear. One thing that is really annoying to me is that when I am ready to hit my next milestone with weight loss I seem to self sabotage myself. I have yet to figure out why I do this, but I'm done. When I was near my wedding day weight it took me almost 2 months to get below it. Now I've been super close to losing 90 pounds. I was just 6 ounces away. It's been 3 weeks now. I'm really pissed at myself, so today I weighed myself and I'm setting new goals. I'm starting over so to speak. Today is the first day of the rest of my journey.

I stepped on the scale this morning and much to my surprise It says that I weigh 215 pounds. That means I have broken through the 90 pound barrier. That is 91 pounds lost. Now, I'm not going to get excited. Don't get me wrong I'm happy, but I officially weigh in at Weight Watchers on Saturday, so I do not celebrate until it is officially in my Weight Watcher's book. This is really the encouragement I needed. The timing could not have been more perfect.

So I said that I would set some new goals. The first goal that I am setting is to hit 101 pounds lost by June 12th. That is the weekend of my first triathlon of the season. I want to be able to say that I have lost over 100 pounds by then. That is a little bit steep of a goal, but I like to set my goals a little out there for a challenge. My next goal is to have lost 111 pounds by July 11th. That is my big race of the season. That is going to be my first EVER Olympic Distance Triathlon. Not only will this be my first Olympic Distance Triathlon EVER, it will also be the first time EVER in my triathlon career doing a triathlon under 200 pounds. That is a huge accomplishment. I cannot wait.

So today, I woke up refreshed, encouraged, and ready to get out there. I'm off to eat breakfast and head to the gym.

No one told me this journey would be easy and to be honest, I'm glad it's not because I will have earned every pound lost and will always remember every drop of sweat and tear shed to get to my goal and will never forget that and that will help me never go back to where I was.

What ever your goal is you can do it. I know you can and I'm here to help you achieve your goals. Hang in there and never give up. One thing that I have clung onto lately is looking at how far I have come and not how far I have to go. Focus on the positive, not the negative and you will achieve your goals.

Have a great day today and be great today!!

This Noggin' of Mine

2010-05-25T22:05:00.000-07:00

I have had a lot going on in this noggin' of mine.
I've been in a funk the last couple of days.
My neck and shoulder went out the other day and that has turned into a nice excuse.
Well, the excuses are over. My neck and shoulder are better and I'm hitting the gym tomorrow.
Tomorrow I'm starting fresh.
I'm pretending like it is day one of my weight loss journey.
I'm setting new goals.
Starting Fresh.
That is what I need to do.
That is what I'm going to do.
Good night, so I can get some sleep before starting fresh tomorrow.
I will weigh in in the morning, let you know what I weigh and what my new goals are.
I'm very excited.
Tomorrow is the first day of the rest of my life.
Go Me!!

I'm on Twitter

2010-05-23T12:54:00.000-07:00

I am now on Twitter. I will be tweeting my journey from 306 pounds to Ironman Wisconsin 2012, which is 140.6 miles total. My Twitter name is 306to140. Come follow me and join me on my journey.

If you are on twitter let me know your name and I will follow you too.

Please be patient with me as I learn how to do this.

I hope you are having a great day!!

A lot on my mind

2010-05-17T20:25:00.000-07:00

Some of you have noticed I haven't blogged. You've asked if I'm ok and I am for the most part.

First of all, we have been busy because Parker was in another Musical. This time he was an Indian in Peter Pan.

But, besides that there has been a lot going on in my mind.

Things I need to sort out before I can blog.

Counseling has been hard lately. VERY HARD!!

There are things I need to do, but that are hard to do. I don't want to do.

I'm working on stuff little by little day by day.

I look in the mirror and I do not recognize who is looking back at me. Literally, I do not recognize me.

I look inward and ask who am I? I do not know right now. I am trying to figure it out.

I am very proud of my weight loss. I will continue to be proud. I am excited about the endless possibilities that are coming my way, but with as much as I am losing, I am also becoming a new person, and one that I am trying to figure out.

A lot of me is the same. I will always be the kind, caring, compassionate person that I have always been. I will always be fun, outgoing, and the person in the room that will say hi to everyone, but there are some things changing about me.

I am trying to figure it all out and I will keep you posted on it as I do. Just bear with me while I do because it might take some time.

And for those of you not sure about the new me, I'm not sure either. We'll get to know her together.

I am a wearer of wetsuits!!!!!!!

2010-05-05T15:44:00.001-07:00

Today I headed to my favorite running store, Runner's High -n- Tri, in Arlington Heights, Illinois. I got fitted for some new running shoes that are on hold, so my husband will go and pick them up for me for Mother's Day. (hint, hint, hint) I also knew that I wanted to try on a wetsuit. I have always been scared of wetsuits. I have never even thought about trying on a wetsuit. I was never the right size for a wetsuit, but today I knew it was time. I would tackle trying one on.

I talked to Erin, told her how much I weigh, 215 today, how tall I was etc. I told her I would probably just need the biggest size they have. She said the most wonderful thing to me. She said, "Nope, the biggest size will be too big on you." What did she just say? I know I must have heard wrong, right? Nope, I heard her correctly, I double checked the tag to make sure she was right, and guess what? She was right. She brought me the wetsuit and I tried it on. It was hard to get on, but not as hard as I thought. I came out of the fitting room, it was zipped up for me, and I asked them to snap a picture of me. The picture you see above is the picture they took. They looked at me from all angles. They said, "You actually might want to buy the next size down when you come back." I said, "What?" Yup, I heard them right. I might want to buy the next size down when I come back. Wow, who would have thought. I asked them the best technique for taking it off and headed into the dressing room.

That's when it hit me. I was walking back into the dressing room, closed the door, and saw myself in the full length mirror. OH. MY. GOSH!! WHO IS THAT PERSON? I had to stare for a minute. I started bawling like a baby. I mean big time. I had to cover my mouth with my hand, so nobody would hear me. I sat down on a little bench and just let it all out. That person in the mirror was me.

I have not been this weight in over 16 years. I passed my wedding day weight last Saturday. It was all very surreal. It had not hit me yet the significance of my weight loss. The significance of how far I have come. The significance or my journey. Up until today, when I looked in the mirror, I saw the flab under my arms, hated the size of my arms, my thighs, and still concentrated on my big stomach. All of that was erased today. Look how far I have come. I'm tearing up just writing this. I know I still have a way to go in my journey. I still have a lot more to do to get where I want to go, but today my focus has totally changed. I'm concentrating on how far I have come, I'm realistic about how far I have to go, but not negative about me.

Today was HUGE for me and this post does not even begin to describe the transformation that took place in that dressing room today. I needed this. I'm ready to kick even more butt. Watch out!!

I posted this pic on facebook and the comments are starting to pour in and the instant messages.

One comment that stood out was from my friend Carole, "Melissa you look so . . . . normal."

My friend Paul instant messaged me, accused me of photo shopping the pic, congratulated me and said, "Wow, your arms are really taking shape." My arms, wow, the one area of my body that I can't stand. They are taking shape. My arms. Yay!! That also drove home the point to me that I need to focus on where I've come from and not just concentrating on the negatives.

I hope that I was able to convey just a little of how today made me feel. It was incredible!! It was awesome!! It was a feeling that I will remember for a long time to come.

I AM A NEW PERSON!! I AM A WEARER OF WETSUITS!! I CAN DO ANYTHING I PUT MY MIND TOO. I AM WOMAN HEAR ME ROAR!!

ROOOOOOAAAAAARRRRRR!! :D

My three coaches.

2010-05-04T04:53:00.000-07:00

I was talking to someone last night and we were talking about my journey among other things.
She brought up that my head is in a totally different place from when she first met me.
I told her it was. That I was a completely different person then I was just 2 years ago.
I told her that really I contribute that to the fact that this time I get counseling every week and that is why I am having success. I am getting the mental games, the issues from my past, how I never say no to anyone, all taken care of. I have been woking really hard and will continue to work very hard in this area because if you do not take care of the why's you will never have true success.

I then went on to say to her it's like I have three coaches. I have my physical coach, Bob Mitera, who helps me with my physical transformation. He helps me with encouragement, making my workouts, educating me on the body, my bike, triathlons, and whatever else I need to work on. I do all the hard work and he directs me in the way to go.

I have my mental coach, James. He has been incredible really helping me with a lot of the mental aspects of why I became 306 pounds. With his help I no longer turn to food for comfort. I am facing my issues and working through them no matter how painful that may be. I am doing all the hard work and he directs me in the way to go.

I have my food coach, Kirk. Kirk is my wonderful weight watcher leader. Kirk has known me for a few years now. He knew me at 306 pounds. He has helped me learn what to eat and how to manage my eating. I have his number on speed dial and he is always there for me no matter what time it is. I know that I am doing all the hard work, but he directs me in the way to go.

I know how blessed I am to have each of these people in my life. I really could not do it without their direction. I tried on my own for years and couldn't do it. Each one has a very specific role in my journey and it is neat to see how all the pieces are coming together.

To hear my friend say that my head is totally in the game now makes me so happy. People are starting to take notice that I am changed. I am not changing to be noticed, but it is nice that people are noticing my hard work paying off.

I just want to thank Bob, James, and Kirk for directing me in the way to go. Each of them at some point or another has told me that I am doing all the hard work and I acknowledge that, but I wouldn't be working as hard without them, so thank you. I look forward to where all of this is going to lead.

Ironman is my ultimate goal, but as we all know that is going to be a day that will signify much more than just finishing a race. It will be the journey from a 306 pounds, sad, depressed woman who has transformed into a strong, powerful, woman who can do anything. Another friend last night told me she doesn't think I realize how many people I am touching with my story. I guess I don't and she said, "Just wait. You will see when you cross that finish line in Wisconsin how many people's lives you have touched. You will cry and we will cry. When you cross that finish line in 2012 it will signify a life that you never imagined you could ever have and you will just have gotten started." She told me that she and her fiance (hubby by the time I do the race) will be out there cheering me on all day. I could not do it without my coaches and my cheerleaders. My family, my friends, and my coaches make it all just a little easier. Thanks!!

Kona

2010-05-02T05:06:00.000-07:00

So it has been a week since my big breakthrough and I seriously kicked some major bootay.
I was on the phone with Coach yesterday and we were just talking away and he said, "You know when you race Kona, blah, blah, blah." I don't remember the rest of the sentence because I was stuck on the "When you race Kona" comment. I interrupted him and said "When I race Kona?" and he said, "You heard me right."

Now for those of you that don't know,Ironman Hawaii, held in Kona, is the World Championships of Ironman. You have to qualify to go to Kona. It is a big deal when you get to race in Kona. My coach said, "When you race Kona." Not "If you ever race Kona." That is huge to me.

Yesterday evening I signed on Facebook and saw that my coach gave me a shout on on his wall for my weight loss and I thanked him. He wrote back on his wall, "Just wait to thank me at the finish line in Kona one day." I told him it was a deal.

I have a coach that believes in me, that has pushed me harder then I ever imagined I could ever push myself, and is willing to work with me so that I can race in Kona someday. You know what is even cooler than that is that I know I will race in Kona one day. If you would have said that to me a couple weeks ago, I would have said there was a slight chance, ask me a few months ago, I would have said maybe, a couple years ago, NO WAY!! Ask me today and I will tell you, "I will be racing in Kona."

That is a huge change in my mindset and that is how far I have come. Ironman Wisconsin 2012 is just the beginning of my journey and I am so excited to see where it goes from there and one thing I can tell you for sure is that Kona is part of that picture.

Thanks Coach, for believing in me and pushing me. With my hard work and your direction Kona WILL become a reality and I can't wait.

Next up in my journey, get an Olympic Distance Tri under my belt. Waaaahoooooo!!

OPERATION KICK BUTT week 2 has now begun. Let the butt kicking begin.

89.4

2010-05-01T15:58:00.000-07:00

The fireworks are in celebration of the accomplishments I did this past week. Last week I had a major breakthrough in my journey. I had been stuck and very close for months to getting under 220 pounds. My coach has really encouraged me for several weeks to break through that 220 mark. The significance of that number is that is how much I weighed on my wedding day. Like I have said in previous posts I don't remember myself really under that weight. Coach Bob, knew it was a mental block for me. He encouraged me, he pushed me, and last Saturday I just decided he was right and it was time. Hence OPERATION KICK BUTT was born.

I decided it was time to kick my own butt. No one could do it for me. I just had to buckle down and do it. My eating was flawless. My workouts were the best in a long time. I had a ton of water, and just did what I had to do. I wanted to get under 220. On Wednesday I hit 220, down three pounds. Thursday, I was 218. I was below 220. I was so excited. Now I wanted to see how far below 220 I could get. I weighed in this morning and was 216.8. Not only did I go below 220, I blew right by it.

I only have to lose point 6 pounds now to lose 90 pounds. I will do it and then some. I want to see how close to 95 lost I can hit. I am excited and it really is easy. Eat lots of fruits and veggies, drink tons of water, exercise. It has really clicked.

My next target is 100 lost by May 15th. That may be pushing, but the reason I picked that date is because Keith graduates with his Phd that day and it has taken him years to achieve his goal. I have been working on my weight loss goals for years and I think it would be neat to celebrate together. If I do not hit my target, that is ok, but it is good to have those targets to take aim at and try to hit.

I am very excited about how far I have come, but also know I still have a lot of work. I am proud of myself and will not deny my accomplishments, but this weigh in is just one of many on my journey. I do not want to get so excited that I lose focus, so I have decided that this will be week two of OPERATION KICK BUTT. I will kick butt once again.

If you ever need encouragement. If you ever need advice or just a listening ear, I'm here for you. Email me or look me up on facebook. mommymeepa@aol.com On facebook you can look me up as Melissa Joy Bastian Black.

Have a great day and LET THE BUTT KICKING BEGIN!!

Official Weight Watchers Stats:

Starting Weight: 306.2
Today's Weight: 216.8
Total Lost to date: 89.4

Could have, but didn't.

2010-04-30T06:34:00.000-07:00

Yesterday I woke up with the worst migraine I have had in a long time. I mean it was so bad, I felt sick to my stomach and thought for sure I was going to puke. I couldn't believe how bad it was, so I took some medicine and went and laid down in the dark to try and alleviate the pain. I woke up a few hours later and still had a bad headache, but not a full fledged migraine.

I headed to the gym to get a swim in. I put my swim cap on, my goggles, and pushed off the wall. My head was pounding. My first flip turn I thought my head was going to explode, but then I got into a rhythm and had one of the best swims I have had in a long time. I swam 2100 yards total. I crushed it. When I got out of the pool my head was a lot better, go figure.

I then headed home to get Parker to take him to his theater class. I knew that I had a bike on my schedule and so I packed my bike into the car. I knew I could ride for about an hour, hour and a half. I was talking to a friend on the phone who was questioning my riding in the wind. We had about 30-35 mph winds yesterday. I told her that I was going to try, I would be careful, and what if it was windy on race day? I couldn't just not race because of winds, so I was ready. I was not going to let wind stop me.

What I didn't realize is that I was going to have bike problems. I spent most of Parker's class trying to get my bike to work, so I could ride. I had problem after problem. After calling my coach a few times and a friend of mine I realized it was not going to happen, so I packed my bike back up and sat in the car, frustrated, while waiting for Parker. Someone said to me maybe it was better that I didn't ride in the wind, but that didn't make me feel better. I wanted to ride in the wind. I was not going to let that be a reason I didn't ride. I was going to face that wind and work through it. Something I would have never done in the past, so I was ticked that I couldn't ride.

What happened next was amazing. I got Parker, dropped him off at home, called my coach and said, "I'm not letting some issues with my bike keep me from riding. I'm heading to the gym to get my hour in on a spinning bike. What workout do you want me to do?" Bob tweaked my outside ride so I could do it inside on a spin bike. I told the kids and hubby good night and went and biked at the gym. It was one of the best EVER spin workouts I have ever had. I'm kind of glad Bob isn't my spin instructor. I was there up until the last second I could be. I got in the car to drive home and couldn't stop smiling.

Here is how the whole day would have played out not that long ago.

Yesterday I woke up with the worst migraine I have had in a long time. I mean it was so bad, I felt sick to my stomach and thought for sure I was going to puke. I couldn't believe how bad it was, so I took some medicine and went and laid down in the dark to try and alleviate the pain. I woke up a few hours later and still had a bad headache, but not a full fledged migraine.

I decided to stay in bed, watch tv, and eat. I wanted to make sure that my migraine didn't come back. I know I was supposed to swim and bike today, but I had a migraine and I don't want to trigger anything so it comes back. Anyway, it's windy out today and the winds are supposed to get up to 30-35 mph. There is no way I'm going to ride in that, so I'll just have to tell my coach that I can't and he'll understand anyway, cause I woke up with a migraine. Oh, Look, Judge Judy is on. Alright.

This is exactly what I would have done not that long ago. I love the new me. I love all the changes. I cannot wait to see what I will become from all of this. Have a great day today and be great today.

UNDER 220

2010-04-29T06:05:00.000-07:00

So as you know I have decided to kick some butt this week, my own.
I have been doing it and my goal for the week is to get under 220 pounds.
I weighed myself this morning and I am under 220. I will not be posting my weight until after my official weigh in on Saturday. I want to see how far under 220 I can get.

I was 220 on my wedding day almost 16 years ago.
To know that it has been over 16 years since I have been below 220 is crazy.
I feel like crying, I feel like laughing, I feel like jumping up and down.
I am very close to 90 pounds lost. My son weighs 92 pounds, so I have almost lost a 5th grade boy. HAHA I love thinking of it that way.

My wonderful coach has said that this 220 has been a mental block for me. I now know he was right. I have memories of being 220 pounds. I have no memories of being thinner than that. I mean yes, I can remember stuff from my childhood, playing sports riding my bike, roller skating, but not truly remember what it was like to be thin because honestly I never saw myself as thin. I look at my wedding day pictures and remember being so embarrassed by how fat I was. I was beautiful and it is sad that that is how I felt on such a special day.

I got married young and all through Jr. High and High School I was made fun of for my size, but I look back now and I was not fat. I really wish that I did not believe what I was told. I really let that rule my life right into my marriage and my whole adult life. I am so happy I am getting my weight, and my mental health in order. I am really proud of myself.

I think that getting under 220 was hard because I have never seen myself as thinner than that. Now that I am under 220 there is no stopping me. I want to see just how far I can go in a healthy manner. I am claiming my life back. No one or nothing is going to get in my way. I just needed to get past 220 and I have. Next stop 206, which is 100 lost then on my way to under 200.

It feels great to be back.

As my friend Commodore says, "I am not going to just exist. I am going to live."

220

2010-04-28T05:07:00.000-07:00

Today I weighed myself. I am 220. That is how much I weighed on my wedding day.
My goal of getting under 220 this week is going to happen.
It's crazy.
That wedding day weight has been an unattainable number out there for years, but not anymore. I've attained it and am blowing past it. I am so proud of myself.
I will hit 90 pounds lost by Mother's Day. What a way to celebrate.
Thanks everyone for your support and encouragement.
You are all part of the reason I am so successful.

Let the butt kicking commence

2010-04-26T07:58:00.002-07:00

I decided last night that it is time for me to kick butt, not anyone else's, just my own. I am going to kick my own butt. No coach can do it for me, no counselor can do it for me, weight watchers can't do it. Only I can. I need to kick my own butt because I have been stuck for awhile now. I'm done messing around. Don't get me wrong I am very proud of the 82ish pounds I have lost and kept off, but it's time to move to the next bracket of weight loss. Time to move onto the next bracket of what I will be able to do in life because of the changes.

Last night I just decided I'm done. Done screwing around. I've had this discussion thousands of times with myself. What am I scared of? What is holding me back? Why do I sabotage myself? I still haven't figured out all the answers. My coach has been pushing me to get under 220. I was 220 on my wedding day and not happy with that weight. He wants me to get past that weight because I'm sure he's thinking that number is a mental block and as I thought about this last night I think that he just might be right. Ok, he is right. Coach, you are right. I need to push through and just do it. We all know I can, so this is the week. This is the week that I will get under 220. I've planned my eating, I have my workouts, and I'm kicking my butt into action.

Another thing that my wonderful coach says is that I need to start thinking of myself as thin, as the athlete that I am. That is very hard for me to do as I have not been thin or an athlete in years, but last night I said to myself, "Self, you are AWESOME. You are an athlete. You can do this. Quit putting yourself down, quit the negative thoughts, quit doubting your ability and just do it. You are an athlete, you are a new person. You can do this." I decided then and there to start thinking about how I will be at 153 pounds after losing half of me. I decided to start calling myself an athlete and believing it. I have said I am an athlete before the key is I never believed it. I believe it now.

Back in November of 2008 everything just clicked to start my journey. I can say that on April 25, 2010 I had a breakthrough just like I did back in November. I feel great this morning. I am the only one that can truly kick my butt. A coach, a counselor, friends can try to help, but until I do it on my own it will never work. I have had a huge breakthrough last night and cannot wait to see what's next.

Let the butt kicking commence.

why getting rid of my fat clothes made me sad

2010-04-23T07:45:00.000-07:00

I have been having fun purging my house of all unnecessary items. I have been using a group called FREECYCLE. I post what I want to get rid of, people email me within minutes, I put it on my porch and by dinner it's gone and I have blessed others.

I decided yesterday to go through all my clothes and give my "fat" clothes away on FREECYCLE.

I listed all the sizes and what I had. Within 15 minutes, if that, they were all taken.
I still didn't have my laptop back so I was doing all the correspondence by email on my phone and it was a pain.
One lady that wanted whatever clothes I had left had left her phone number. I decided to call her and talk to her instead of trying to email her on the phone.

We talked for a long time. She asked me questions about how I lost my weight and she just seemed like she had no hope. She told me that she had lap band surgery a couple of years ago, but that it wasn't working. She said just because she has it on doesn't mean she can't eat junk. She has figured out that she can still eat Ice cream and drink Mountain Dew and other soft junk food. She relies on a cane to walk.

I encouraged her to just take little steps. Walk more, cut out a little bit of the food at a time. She told me it is hard with kids in the house. I told her how I am teaching my kids and now they are measuring their food and reading labels. I encouraged her to stop drinking the Dew. I told her I know how hard it is and that she could email me anytime for help.

She told me she just can't get her 5 fruit and veggies in. I explained to her that a 1/2 a cup is a serving. When you measure that out it's not a lot. I told her to start measuring out her fruits and veggies. If she buys chips, get baked in individual sizes. Just simple advice that took me so many years to learn.

It felt so good to give her this advice and she seemed to really listen, but it saddened me, it truly saddened me. So many people want the quick fix, the easy way out. I'm not saying she did this with her surgery, but I know several people that have had Gastric Bypass surgery and out of the 5 I know only 2 are happy. The rest have told me it didn't work because it only fixed the physical and not the mental. The two that are happy worked on the whole package.

Surgery, diet pills, fad diets, will never work unless we get to the root of the problem, which is why I am so happy to share about my counseling and my mental journey because it is the reason I am having success this time around.

This also reminded me about a conversation I had a couple weeks ago with a friend after I ate at SWEET TOMATOES. It is a soup and salad buffet. I had my Weight Watchers Food Points book and a piece of paper to write down everything that went in my mouth. Even with that said I went over my weight watcher daily points and weekly points in that one day. I cannot even imagine how many points I would have eaten had I not written everything down.

I was telling my friend about the number of overweight people that were there, some using walkers, some in wheel chairs using their feet like Fred Flintstone to move around, some with canes. How they sat as close as they could to the buffet and that their plates were, seriously, 4-5 inches high with food. Free refills on Soda, all you can eat. I actually got sick watching people eat and to think I was like that not that long ago. I think because it is a soup and salad buffet people think they are eating healthy.

I did great with the salad part. I loaded my salad with veggies, used a low fat dressing on the side. The problem comes in with their soups and the rest of the buffet. Where I messed up was with the soup. I had two helpings at 5 points a cup, the pizza bread. I only had two very tiny pieces, but they were 4 points each and the yummy muffins that went with my soup, three points each. I had 2 or 3 of those and a sampling of their lemon lava cake, 5 points for my very tiny piece. The reason I know all the points now is because I looked everything up online when I got home. I was a very conscience eater (or so I thought) and still messed up and just looking at those other plate amazed me and made me sick all at once.

That same day, earlier in the day, I went to Meijers. I needed to buy some healthy snacks because I was going to be out all day with the kids and we needed to eat. I bought bananas and grapes. What I noticed throughout the whole store was that there were a lot of electric carts zipping around. Every person I saw using them were obese and not just a little, a lot. I looked in their cart and it was all junk food. There was only one lady that I saw that day, who was obese, buying healthy food, looking things up in a book, reading the labels, asking her husband to reach a food with a lower weight watcher points. I wanted to go up and encourage her, but I didn't, but I tell you I was really proud of her.

I walked out of Meijer's very sad, I walked out of Sweet Tomatoes very sad, and then went to a Wolves games with my kids. Since my kids are older I let them go walk around during one of the intermissions between periods. Guess what they had as entertainment? A hot wing eating contest. I'm watching all the men come on the ice to get ready to go. Again, I was saddened, all but one was obese. The reigning champion from 2009 was the biggest. I'm watching these men on the jumbotron, hearing everyone cheering them on, and getting sick and sad all at once. The reigning champion won again. That makes 2 years in a row that he won. He ate something insane like 33 hot wings in a very short amount of time, 2nd place ate 32. He won a sky box for another game with all the food they can eat or something to that affect.

You know what made me proud though is when my kids came back and I said to them, "Hey you guys missed a hot wing eating contest while you were gone." My daughter looked at me and said, "We didn't miss it mom. We were in line for something and were watching it on TV. Mom it made me sick to watch. That is so unhealthy and us kids are being told that scientists are trying to figure out the Obesity problem in America. Uh, mom it's pretty obvious to me." My son agreed. They were sickened by it, they knew it was unhealthy, and not something that should be cheered. It was a proud moment for me as a mom getting healthy, but a sad moment too because of our country and how people just don't seem to care about themselves, their health, and their future.

So on one hand all these things made me sad, but also very happy and proud. I used to be some of the people that I talked about in this post. I used to walk with a cane when my back was really bad, I used to make multiple trips to the buffet, I used to stay at home eating chips and watching hours of TV, I used to let my kids eat whatever they wanted, but not anymore. I am a new woman, a new wife, a new mom, a new athlete, a new person and it feels great. That is why I think I get so sad when I see all of this because I know it doesn't have to be this way and I am living proof of that. You can change, you can better yourself, you can get healthy and be happy.

phone call today

2010-04-16T18:02:00.001-07:00

I was on the phone with someone today.
Someone that I have seen a few times in the last couple of months.
We were talking about my journey and they said something to me that made me happy.
She said that she could tell I carry myself differently, I dress differently, I talk differently, I smile more, I laugh more, and seem genuinely happy. She has known me since Tricia was a baby and she is very happy for me. She said that I am a completely different person. That made me so happy to hear.

I noticed recently in the gym, when walking by a mirror, that I was walking taller. I feel happier. I am happier. I have been noticing these things in myself and it was so nice to hear from someone else. I thanked them for sharing that with me and after we hung up, had a HUGE smile on my face.

I am a new person.
I am a new athlete.
I am loving my new life.

Please secure your own oxygen mask before helping others.

2010-04-16T05:05:00.000-07:00

On Tuesday and Wednesday of this week I had a lot thrown at me. Phone calls from a lot of different people. People, who in the past, would have sucked me into their drama or should I say, people tried to suck me into their drama and I allowed myself to be sucked in.

It seems that lately, a lot of people from my past are resurfacing. People that I tried to help and in the process of trying to help them, didn't take care of myself.

It's been interesting to see how this is all unfolding. Some of these people have not been in my life for 4 years. They have not been around to see the transformation that is happening. They remember the old me. The old me that would drop everything to help them. The person that would try, no matter what, to make things better. Things that didn't even pertain to me, things that ultimately they had to fix on their own. Four years later they are still in the same boat and I am unwilling to help them this time around. They need to do it for themselves.

So Wednesday morning I called my coach, very overwhelmed. This call came two days after finding out Parker needed vision therapy, phone calls from quite a few people, and just feeling overwhelmed. I was sitting in the parking lot of the gym not feeling like going in. I knew I needed to go in. I knew that if I didn't go in I could possibly fall into my old ways of doing things like skipping the gym and eating like crap. I knew what I had to do, but I was really feeling the pressure of everything, so I called Coach Bob. I was rambling on, getting myself worked up. And Bob, in a loud, firm voice said, "Melissa, STOP IT!!" I stopped talking and listened.

He was proud of me because I told him that I told people NO. He was proud of me cause I was at the gym. He gave me a simple visual that has helped me so much. He asked me what do they say on the plane about the oxygen masks. I told him that they say to put it on first before helping others. He told me that me working out, getting healthy, setting boundaries, doing what I need to do, is me putting on my oxygen mask. I am securing my own oxygen mask. After securing my own mask, it is then that I can help others.

But I also need to realize that I cannot always help others secure their own masks. As I can tell from being back in touch with this person after 4 years. They are pretty much where I left them 4 years ago. I did EVERYTHING to help them, but they were not and probably are still not willing to help themselves. I am a giver. I care deeply for my friends, but the difference this time around is that I now realize that I cannot do for others what they must do for themselves.

It's just like with my weight loss. I've had people telling me for years that I needed to lose weight. A friend of my mom's was even so sweet to buy me Jenny Craig as my wedding gift, so I could "feel better about myself on my wedding day." I've had people "encouraging" me my whole adult life in this area and for my whole adult life I've been trying. Even on her death bed, my mom encouraged me to lose weight and you would think having a mom die obese, would have been what I needed, but it took me about 11 years to get it, gaining the most weight ever, being able to hardly move, and just snapping one day before realizing what I had to do. I had to get there myself. I had to be ready for the change. No one could do it for me. No one could secure my oxygen mask for me and now I'm succeeding at this for the first time EVER in my life and it feels great. I can finally breathe on my own.

Later that same day, after talking to Bob, and working out, I headed to see James, my counselor. We talked a lot about the people coming back into my life and what I am going to do about it. How am I going to handle it? How am I going to stay strong with my boundaries? He was very proud of me as well. He said that the fact that I told people NO, the fact that I still went to the gym, packed my food for the day, and didn't give into the drama that was presented to me. He then asked me a question. . . . . What is the difference between Melissa then and now? Why are you not giving in this time?

It was hard for me to answer. I know that I am a completely different person than I have ever been, but I could not figure out what made me different. I could not give him an answer and then he said think of it this way, "Why did you get involved before? What was in it for you?" It was then that I realized with James helping me that I did these things because I needed to feel good about myself. I needed to feel needed by someone. I didn't like myself very much, so if I did these things I would start to feel better about myself. The only problem is that I didn't feel better about myself.

So back to the question about the difference between me now and then? Well, I feel completely different about myself this time around. I love myself. I am proud of myself. I am not looking to others to feel needed. I am not looking to others for validation. I'm looking to one person and that is me. I am stronger and I now know that I deserve to be happy.

I will never stop being a caring person or helping others, but the difference this time is that I am willing and am helping myself first and it's the first time in my life that I'm totally ok with that. It takes a load off of my shoulders for the first time in years.

I am securing my oxygen mask. I am taking care of myself. I am finally putting me first. That is not bad. That is not selfish. It is what I need to do, so I can help others and it is what you need to do to. Is your oxygen mask secured or are you trying to help others first? If that plane is going down and you are securing everyone else's oxygen masks the reality is, you are going to die. The reality is, if you do not take care of yourself first, you will die trying to help others. I was 306 pounds and going up. I was slowly killing myself, but not anymore and I'm the happiest I've been in years. Do yourself a favor put yourself first. It's not selfish. In fact, it is the most giving thing you can do.

Oh The Places I'll Go

2010-04-12T21:03:00.000-07:00

"You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're on your own. And you know what you know. You are the one who'll decide where to go."- Dr Suess

This is a quote that a friend of mine put on her facebook. I have been a HUGE Dr. Suess fan for as long as I can remember. Today I read this quote and it really hit home to me. It inspired me to write a Dr. Suess like poem.

I am a new person, Yes siree
I am a new athlete, Oh can't you see.

I can ride a bike with one hand.
I can run a race while listening to a band. (Unless of course IPODS are banned. )

I can eat a power bar in a car
I can run, and run and run really far.

I can run without turning green.
I can run upstairs without twisting my knee.

I am eating healthy so I can be a fox.
I can get my new running shoes out of a box.

I can eat green veggies and ham.
I eat them oh yes I can.

Oh the places that I will go
Nothing ever will make me slow.

Anything that I dream will come true that's the plan
I can do anything, cause Melissa I am.

Can't Sleep.

2010-04-10T22:48:00.000-07:00

I am finding that I cannot sleep tonight.
When this happens I usually just toss and turn, but I have too much on my mind.
I've been thinking about my counseling session from this past wednesday and something my counselor challenged me on.
He challenged me to work on deepening my relationship with God.
That has been on the back burner for awhile now.
He said that I am making so many great strides in my life that it is now time to work on this area.
I was raised in a Christian home.
I have grown up in church.
I am an adult now and have been struggling for awhile with my walk with God. Is it my walk with God? My family's? Just what do I believe?
Through my counseling I am figuring out that there are several reasons for that struggle.
I am angry about a lot of stuff that has happened in my life.
I do not understand why my baby sister had to die.
I do not understand why other situations had to happen in my childhood.
I do not understand why my mom had to die at the age of 53.
I do not understand a lot of what has happened in my life.
I do not understand how God could "allow" these things to happen.
My coach has been working with me on reframing certain things in my life.
My counselor has been doing the same thing.
I talked about it in another post.
Was it really a near drowning accident or just a bad swimming incident?
I have started this week to take all the situations that have caused me stress and have started reframing them.
I've started to see that through them all God was there for me. He's still there for me. He has never let go of me.
He will never let go of me. He loves me so much that he sent His son to die for me. THAT's HUGE!!
Someone who loves me that much only has the best in mind for me. There is no way for me to even begin to comprehend His love for me. There is no way for us to understand it. We look at His love through earthly eyes.
We have loved here on earth and been hurt. We have had people tell us they love us and betray us. We have told people we loved them and betrayed them. There are even songs that talk about how LOVE HURTS or is even a battlefield, so no wonder our thoughts on His love for us our skewed.
We might even start to think that way about Him.
We can tell ourselves, "I prayed for my Mom not to die of her cancer and she did. He doesn't love me."
"I prayed for my mom to have a baby and she did, but then my sister died. That's not how love looks."
I started to look at these situations and think what did I do wrong? Why would God do this to me? How could a God that loves me allow things to happen to me like this? He must not really love me. I must have done something wrong. My family must have done something wrong otherwise we wouldn't be going through all that we are going through. But like I said as I look through each of these situations and take away the anger, the resentment, and the bitterness that have been blinding me for years, I see a clearer picture, I see how He helped me through, how the situations I went through have helped others in their lives, how He was there for me in ways I have never seen and I'm happy. Not happy that these things happened, but happy that I can see clearly now, take the blinders off and see things in a new light. It's hard to explain, to put into words exactly.

One thing also that I have been struggling with is getting into reading my Bible again. I really felt guilty about this and James (my counselor) has helped me with that. He has told me that he would like me to find creative ways to spend time with God. He wants me reading my Bible, but not feeling like I have to spend a set amount of time in prayer and reading my Bible. I have grown up my whole life hearing, "You must read your Bible and pray everyday." Yes, that statement is good, but if you miss a day and feel guilty and then one day turns into two etc, the whole point is lost. When I look at creative ways to spend time with God and don't feel so regimented about it I am finding that I want to spend more time reading my Bible and praying. I like to think of it this way, I need to spend time worshipping Him everyday. That can be through music, taking in His nature on a hike or bike ride, reading my Bible, listening to music, listening to a dramatic version of the Bible on CD, memorizing a verse, writing out prayers, and just loving on Him. I also have released the idea of "Having to do it everyday." I should do it everyday, I should want to do it everyday, but if I don't, that's ok. I"ll just do it the next day.

I have grown leaps and bounds mentally. I have become a new person physically and a new athlete and now it's time to work on the spiritual aspect of my life. I have been away from God a lot longer then I would care to admit, but I'm coming around and working through the spiritual issues I have had and am excited about how it is going. I like that I am figuring this all out for myself and it's not someone telling me how or what I should be doing. I am figuring this all out on my own and am enjoying finding my true relationship with God.

There have been some of you that I have talked to during this journey about the spiritual aspect. I didn't know where I was headed. I didn't know how much of my faith was my own or my family's. You have all been wonderful in helping through this time in my life and I appreciate you all very much. Some of you are of the same beliefs as me, some of you are not, but each of you have helped me in different ways and for that I am grateful.

I have been pretty quiet for years now about the spiritual aspect of my life and the reason for that is because of the struggles, and questions I have had, but just like I will be talking about the physical, and mental aspects of my journey, I will also be talking about the spiritual aspects. If you aren't interested feel free to not read, but if you want to follow me on my complete journey then please read. Feel free to comment, but know that if there are any comments that are rude concerning the beliefs that I have, I will delete them. Just like I don't give those of you with different beliefs from me a hard time, I ask that you show the same respect to me. Thanks for understanding.

I'm heading to bed now and hopefully will be able to sleep. Have a great Sunday and be great.

WW UPDATE

2010-04-03T08:01:00.000-07:00

For those of you still not on FACEBOOK I will update my weight loss here.
I had about a 2 month rut I was in with losing weight. From my blog posts this week you can tell that I have been working on the mental aspects of this. I have decided to no longer sabotage myself. I have decided to take control back of my life. I made this commitment last weekend and my hard work has paid off.

This week I lost 7.2 pounds.
I am at my highest weight loss ever 84.4 pounds and now weigh 221.
My goal for next week is to be out of the 220's.

I'm back and feeling great.

Reframing

2010-04-02T05:17:00.000-07:00

As I wrote yesterday I have been letting my fears rule my life for sometime. I don't know why I just have. My AWESOME coach talked to me yesterday about quite a few things, but the one that stuck out to me most was my "near drowning accident" that I had in high school.

I put that in quotes because Coach Bob had me think of this incident in a new light. He in no way took away from the fear that I went through that day. He in no way took away from the fact that this incident was hard for me and has affected my swimming and my life, but he had me reframe it.

He asked me, "Did you pass out that day? Did the paramedics have to come and resuscitate you? Did you throw up water because you took so much on?" He wasn't doing this to be mean, but to get me to think.

I remember the incident clearly, but I do not remember what happened after it. I do remember that I finished the day with my friends and drove home with them. No hospital, no parents coming to get me, none of that, I finished my day. Bob, helped me reframe this incident as a scary swimming incident in my life. It happened in the past. It does not define me. He had me think about how far I have come in the water, how many yards I swam last week (4000 yards), how I'm a new athlete.

I have decided to reframe this incident as a scary swimming incident and not a near drowning experience. I have allowed myself to live with that fear long enough. Just like I said in yesterday's post. I will allow myself to have the feelings, but I will not stay there. I had fear in the water, I have acknowledged that fear, and now it is time to move on.

I am on my way and will be working on reframing other incidents in my life, so they are just that, incidents, and not incidents that define who I am. I define who I am, not some silly situation that happened years and years ago.

Thanks Coach Bob. You are really good at what you do and I appreciate you.

Counseling

2010-04-01T07:16:00.000-07:00

I have yo-yoed my whole adult life with losing weight. We all know how that works. Go on some diet, deprive yourself of a certain food group, lose significant weight, start introducing that food back into your diet, gain all your weight back and then some, repeat process, just this time pick a different means to do it in.

I’ve done Jenny Craig, Adkins, A fitness Camp, Adkins again, Slim Fast, Weight Watchers (incorrectly) off and on since 2003, shakes, and a number of other diets. On November 8, 2008 I had enough and went back to Weight Watchers, vowing to do it correctly. That means I would track what I ate, count my points, and NEVER miss a meeting. I also hired a coach this time to help me with my working out, and for the first time ever I got a counselor. Yes, you heard me right, I go to counseling.

I haven’t missed a Weight Watcher’s meeting since that date in November, I kick butt in my workouts, and I have taken my counseling very seriously. This time I am having success. To date I have lost over 80 pounds. I have found that when people know I have lost that much weight , they start to ask the same questions. The first question is always, “How much have you lost?” The next question to always follow is, “How long has it taken?” Next, “What Diet are you on?” Once they hear about my journey I get asked, “Why do you think you are having success this time around?”

They don’t like my answer. My answer makes people uncomfortable. I proudly say, “The reason I am having success this time around is because I am in counseling.” I am finally dealing with the why’s of my weight issue. I didn’t become 306 pounds just because. There have been underlying reasons. They are issues that have been there since my childhood, since my teens, and my adult life. I am learning so much about myself and that is why I am having success. This is not the answer that people want to hear.

Counseling is still taboo in this country. It’s really sad that this is the case. I’m finally ok with admitting that I can’t figure this all out on my own. I need help. If I didn’t I would have figured it out years ago. There is no shame in counseling; there is no shame in needing to take medication. There is no shame in any of it. Yet, it’s still shameful because that is what this country has made it. If you need counseling or have mental illness then something is wrong with you. Well, Duh, if there weren’t something wrong with me, I wouldn’t have weighed 306 pounds.

I have decided, in my own little way, to do something about this. I have decided that I am going to be open about my counseling journey. I will not share all the specifics that I talk about, but I will share different aspects of it. I know that if I am dealing with these issues there is someone else out there dealing with the same, or similar, issues. Talking about it will help me work through everything and will hopefully help those of you out there struggling, but maybe too ashamed to talk about it. My wish is, if I’m open, you will not feel ashamed of needing help and getting the help you need.

I know that the title of my blog is "My Journey to Ironman Wisconsin 2012." You might feel that talking about my counseling is not something I need to talk about on my way to doing Ironman Wisconsin, but it is. Training, getting to the start line, and completing an Ironman is more mental then it is physical. Anyone can train and physically be ready to toe the line, but what are they going to do when the 150 things that can go wrong, do?

If you've been reading my blog you know that I had a very scary swimming accident in high school that made getting into the water and swimming next to impossible. I've been working on that fear and have overcome it in the pool, at least. I will now have to mentally prepare to take what I have learned in the pool, and transfer that to swimming in lakes, and then in triathlons. For me, that's a mental battle that I am working on. My accident happened in a lake, and my swims in my triathlons will take place in a lake. In the past, I would have just avoided this, but now I am facing it and kicking it's butt. I will overcome my mental blocks to toe the line and finish the Ironman.

With my training and counseling I am facing a lot of fears. I just realized that I avoid things when I'm scared. I sabotage my efforts. I decided to talk to my counselor about that. I am having success on my weight loss journey, but at the same time I sabotage myself. I hit another 10 pound mark, and then it takes me FOREVER to hit my next 10 pound goal. My coach, Bob Mitera, challenged me this week regarding this. He asked me why am I scared of success? Am I worried people won't love me still? He told me I need to let go and just do it. I've known this, but it just really hit home this week. I had a HUGE breakthrough on the killer hill he had me run. (You can read about that hill in my last post).

This is just one way I have let my fear rule my life. I sabotage my weight loss. I avoid the doctor. I don't apply for jobs. All things that when I look at them, mentally I know it's silly, but my fears don't think logically. For all of you that know me I have had stomach issues for a long time. I have decided that I need to get this taken care of. I went to the doctor, got an order to go to the doctor, and haven't followed through. My mom died of cancer, colon cancer, that spread to her liver and lymphnods. I don't want to die that way, so why don't I follow through, I don't know, but I don't.

I finally got my teaching degree. I love working with kids. I love the idea of having my own classroom. I love that I will be able to make a difference in a child's life, but I haven't fully completed a job application. I'm scared. The application is overwhelming, I fear the interview process. I know I will do great. I know that the right job will come when the time is right. I know my kids are ok with me working, I know I will be GREAT at what I do, but I let my fear take a hold of me. The fear of the unknown.

I talked to James (my counselor) about all these issues this week. I don't want to let my fears dictate my life anymore. The time has come to take care of this. He gave me some great things to think about and I want to share those with you.

We talked about what do all these situations have in common, at first I thought avoidance, because when I'm scared, I avoid, but then I realized, that the bigger picture is that FEAR is what all these have in common.

He made me realize that when I have fear I have other symptoms.
My symptoms are:
*Avoidance
*Shame
*Numbing my Fear. This is where addication can come in. My addiction was food. I'm not turning to food anymore, so that is why this is all coming to the surface.

Avoidance and Shame are the two big ones for me, but mainly avoidance. I refuse to avoid any longer. I want to face these fears and overcome them. I will face my fears and overcome them.

With my weight loss and sabotaging myself, James helped me realize that I'm scared that people will treat me differently when I'm thin. Through our talk he helped me realize that I'M CHANGING MY EXTERNAL NOT BECAUSE I WANT PEOPLE TO LIKE ME, BUT TO LET PEOPLE KNOW I LIKE ME. I was also afraid that I would change. He helped me realize that I want to be healthy and becoming thinner will help that, but that thin is not my goal. My goal, #1, is to be healthy, live long, and be a productive person, but also to help others in their journey too. With that being said I do not want to change who I am, I JUST WANT MY OUTSIDE TO REFLECT WHO I AM INSIDE. I also never want to become judgmental and prideful regarding my weight loss, so James said, WHEN I'M TEMPTED TO BE PRIDEFUL-REMEMBER WHERE I CAME FROM and that will help me come back to reality.

What I took most out of my session yesterday was this. . . .

I need to let myself have my feelings, but not stay there.

I need to say to myself,

"I have fear, but I also have hope."
"I have anger, but I also have thankfulness."
"I have sadness, but I also have joy."

Today I have decided to move out of the darkness and into the light.

I am going to allow myself to have my feelings, but then I will transform those feelings and be a more productive person. I will not let those feelings rule my life any longer.

Time to hit the reset button.

2010-03-29T14:26:00.000-07:00

So I haven't blogged in awhile as you can tell. That's because things are not as I have wanted them to be. I have come to a standstill with my weight loss. All you wonderful people that have encouraged me by saying I've hit a plateau, I appreciate the thoughts, but really I haven't. I wish. Also, those of you saying that I'm building muscle and that's why I haven't lost, thanks. I appreciate the sentiments, but really it's just because I have not been eating like I should. That's it, end of discussion. You don't eat what you are supposed to WHAM, nothing happens.

Now, I must say I am very proud of myself for several reasons. The first being, I would have quit weight watchers at this point in my previous life and I haven't this time. I keep going. I have great friends in my 815 meeting. They are more than friends now, they are my family. I have a wonderful friend named, Melissa B, (not me). She just reached her WW goal a couple of weeks ago. I have really loved getting to know her. (She is pictured below on the left, with our other WW friend Kim, on the day she hit her goal). There is something that she has said that has really stuck with me. She has said this more than once, but it really stuck with me two weeks ago when she said it at the meeting where she hit her goal. She said that she thinks of every Saturday as a time to hit the RESET button. She doesn't look back, just hits RESET, and is ready for her new week. That particular meeting when she said this, I had come in late (because I didn't want to be there) and decided not to weigh in (because I didn't want to deal with the numbers on the scale), but I am glad I did because what she said is exactly what I needed to hear. I decided right then and there to hit my RESET button and not look back.

I would love to say I lost weight the next week, but I didn't and when I showed up this past Saturday I knew I had to weigh in no matter what the number was. Anyway, my coach really didn't give me a choice. He told me to weigh in and text him my weight. UGH. I didn't want to, but I had already hit the reset button and knew what was done was done and just looked forward to what I would do from now on. My weigh in was not pretty. In the two weeks I had gained 3 pounds, but I faced it, I went to my meeting, texted my coach, and hit the RESET button.

After texting my coach, I got this text from him. It really meant a lot to me (I am putting it in all caps not because he yelled at me, but so it stands out) He said: YOU NEED TO BELIEVE THAT YOU CAN BE UNDER 200 POUNDS BEFORE YOU GET THERE. DON'T SABOTAGE YOURSELF. EVERYONE WILL LOVE YOU STILL. EVERYONE WILL LOVE YOU MORE! BELIEVE YOU CAN DO IT FIRST. Wow, this hit so many things on the head. I have been trying to figure out, after hitting another milestone in my weight loss, why I sabotage myself? I think he hit it on the head. I think that I am afraid that people will treat me differently, and that my world will change in ways I'm not sure I am ready for. I want to be loved for who I am and not because I'm thinner. This text was so encouraging to me. It took him a few seconds to type, but really changed my thinking. It was time to hit the RESET button in my brain.

I am also proud of myself because despite the not so great eating, despite sabotaging myself, I kept working out. I kept swimming distances I didn't think I would ever swim, I ran miles that I never thought I could run, I lifted weights, and biked, more than I thought I ever could. I never stopped working out. I pushed myself on numerous occasions and am seeing the benefits of my hard work. I may not be losing the weight, but I am able to run longer and harder. I am able to swim and do flip turns, I am able to breathe through anxiety that I had in the pool recently, which would have made me get out right away in the past. I am a new athlete and am changing every day.

On March 21st, I ran in the Shamrock Shuffle. It was 4.97 miles. I had just come off a not so great eating week and really didn't know what to expect. I was not sure I could make their time cut off, but I just went in and did my best. I smashed all times I had in the past. I had never been able to break a 15 minute mile. My first mile I ran in 14:32. I needed to finish the race in 1:15 minutes, I did it in 1:13. When I saw the mile 4 marker sign. I teared up as I had never done more than a 5k up to that point. I knew at this point I was different on so many levels. Why was I sabotaging myself? I had no idea. If I could do this race, I could do anything. Crossing that finish line was monumental in my journey.

On March 27, this past Saturday, I met with my coach for a run workout. I was really nervous about this. I was driving to meet him at the park and was driving up and down hills and said to myself, "Oh crap, I know what's coming." HAHA I was right, but those first hills weren't even the beginning. He took me to this hill that I have driven by hundreds of times and each time I drive by it I think, "Thank God I don't have to run up that hill." Guess what? I can't say that anymore. He had me run up it, it was more of a very slow jog/walk/crawl/gasping for my last breath, kind of run, but I did it and I did it 4 times and this was after warming up, and running a mile. This hill is HUGE.

We parked at the top, walked down the hill, while I got a pep talk, and then I had to run up it. Man, it was killer. It really becomes mind over matter, and I made up my mind that this hill was not going to beat me, I was going to beat it, and I did, 4 times. We got back into the car, drove back to the park, then coach had me do sprint work, OMGosh, I thought I was going to puke, die, and then puke again, but I didn't. I did it. Nothing fell off of me, I didn't puke, I didn't die. I became a new athlete that day. That day I hit the RESET button on my working out mentality. I now know that I can push myself, and push myself hard.

After that workout I went to Weight Watchers. This is the meeting that I spoke of before. I had gained three pounds. You know what though I hit the RESET button. I RESET my thinking after getting that great text from my coach. I RESET my thinking on my food after seeing a 3 pound gain. I RESET my life that day. Saturday, March 27th, was the first day of the rest of my life and I am happy to say I am off to a great start. Thank you Melissa B, for talking about the RESET button. I am so glad you did and so glad that I have RESET my thinking, eating, and my life and if I have a bad week, I can just hit the RESET button again and start over without looking back.

Weight Watchers Teams with McDonalds

2010-03-15T08:19:00.000-07:00

The article below is very upsetting to me. As a current, successful, member of Weight Watchers I am appalled that they would team up with McDonalds. I have already called headquarters and lodged my complaint. I will be very upset if this happens in the USA. Please read the article and then complain to the headquarters. Even if you are not part of Weight Watchers I ask that you please call or write and complain. This is totally ridiculous.

I am also upset because Weight Watchers is now going to be ridiculed. As you can tell by this article the author takes jabs at Weight Watchers, saying people can "Watch their Weight balloon to 300 pounds." This is going to so send the wrong message about what Weight Watchers is about. I have lost 83 pounds on it and they promote healthy eating and lifestyles, not McDonalds and I will not stand for the program to lose its good reputation unless that is too late. There is no other reason for them to do this, then to make money and I think it is wrong. Please help me get the word out and not let his madness make it to the US. Thanks for your help.

Here is the headquarters information so you can call, fax, or write:

Weight Watchers International, Inc.
11 Madison Ave.,
17th Fl.
New York, NY 10010 Map
Phone: 212-589-2700
Fax: 212-589-2601

HERE IS THE ARTICLE:

Weight Watchers says eat at McDonald's to lose weight (opinion)

Sunday, March 14, 2010
by Mike Adams, the Health Ranger
Editor of NaturalNews.com (See all articles...)

(NaturalNews) Weight Watchers has now officially endorsed Chicken McNuggets as a "healthy meal" in New Zealand, where McDonald's restaurants will begin carrying the Weight Watchers logo on several menu items. This bizarre and inexplicable decision has now made Weight Watchers the laughing stock of the health world where nutrition and weight loss experts normally don't use "McDonald's fast food" and "weight loss" in the same sentence.

As The Guardian reports, "As part of the deal, which the company says is the first of its kind in the world, McDonald's will use the Weight Watchers logo on its menu boards and Weight Watchers will promote McDonald's to dieters."

Nutritionists, not surprisingly, were shocked at the announcement. The idea of eating at McDonald's to lose weight seems a bit ridiculous, and anyone who believes that eating Chicken McNuggets will cause you to lose weight is arguably one nugget short of a Happy Meal. Sometimes you just have to point out the stupidity of these things, even at the risk of offending someone who has convinced themselves that eating more Chicken McNuggets is their ticket to a slim, fit and sexy body.

Watch your weight balloon!

Weight Watchers, by the way, never actually claims that eating the foods they endorse will cause you to lose weight. If you examine it carefully, even their name isn't really about weight loss. It's about weight watching... as in, watch your weight grow larger by the day...

A "weight watch" is sort of like a "tornado watch" or a "tsunami watch." You keep your eyes peeled and wait for something disastrous to happen -- such as ballooning to 300 pounds while engaging in unhealthy eating McHabits based on snarfing down meat parts from factory-farmed cows raised in bovine concentration camps that might more accurately be called "Cowschwitz."

If Weight Watchers is going to endorse McNuggets, then why not just endorse the entire McDonald's menu and throw the logo behind Big Macs and ice cream shakes, too? It's not like Weight Watchers is trying to "protect its reputation" by not crossing a line, you know. Once you've endorsed McDonald's as "healthy" food, that line is no longer anywhere in sight.

Of course, McDonald's products merely join a long list of questionable foods marketed under the "Weight Watchers" brand name -- a brand that in my opinion has discovered great commercial success in selling the false hope of weight loss to clueless consumers who are unwilling to read ingredients lists on food labels.

Not coincidentally, Weight Watchers has now become the "McDonald's" of the weight loss industry -- and industry filled with so many scams and shams that the idea of eating Chicken McNuggets to lose weight doesn't even seem that strange to many people.

We live in a world where corporate promotional lies are disgusting at best, and criminal at worst. We're told that psychiatric drugs will make you happy, that chemotherapy will make you healthy and that eating at McDonald's will make you lose weight. We're told that sugary junk drinks will give you "energy", that toxic vaccines are necessary for your immune system to work correctly and that buying silly pink-ribbon products will somehow cure cancer.

At the same time, we're told that vitamins are dangerous, that sunlight causes cancer and that there's no such thing as a cure for type-2 diabetes. Everything that's good for you is discredited as bad while everything that's toxic is hyped up as "healthy."

I suppose in light of the corporate-sponsored sick-care insanity that passes for medical advice these days, the idea that eating at McDonald's will make you lose weight doesn't seem as insane as it really should.

But that doesn't make it any more true.

In a world gone mad with dietary misinformation touting fictional foods, insanity can now be marketed to the intoxicated mainstream as if it somehow made sense.

... and people swallow it.

Sources for this story include:
http://www.guardian.co.uk/business/...

The truth behind the Costco Food Court

2010-03-09T11:46:00.000-08:00

Costco is a place that I frequent on a regular basis to stock up on supplies for the kids' school lunches, staples for my Weight Watchers journey, and where I stock up on Fruit.

When the kids and I go to Costco we stop, from time to time, at the Costco Food Court on the way out. Tricia will get the Chicken Bake, Parker a hot dog. Sometimes we get fruit smoothies, and now Tricia likes the Cofee/Mocha freeze.

I was curious to see what the nutritional value was, so when I stopped by the Customer Service Desk and asked if they had the nutritional value and they told me to ask at the food court.

I did my shopping and then headed to the Food Court to get a Fruit Smoothie. I asked the man behind the counter for the nutritional value and he was very hesitant to hand it over. Then he asked me if there was an item that he could read to me and I told him that I would read it myself and write it down He then said, "You know there is NOTHING good here for you, don't you?"

I then preceded to read the nutritional value for the iteams we get on a regular basis.

Here are the Weight Watchers Points for our favorite items. I get 30 points a day, so you have some perspective on the point vales.

Chicken Bake: 17 points
Cheese Pizza Slice: 16 points
Pepperoni Pizza Slice: 14 points
Hot Dog with the works: 13 points
Frozen Yogurt: 8 points
Fruit Smoothie: 6 points
Coffee/Mocha Freeze: 5 points

These next two items you would think are healthy just by reading the titles of the food items. People think that they are eating healthy because they are eating a salad or a wrap, but the truth is in the nutritional value. Pretty eye opening, isn't it.

Ceasar Salad: 16 points
Turkey Wrap: 19 points

Here is a link to all the items and their nutritional values. I just put up the ones that my family gets the most. I hope you all find this helpful for your health and fitness journeys. Here is the link: Costco Food Court Nutritional Values

Happy Again

2010-02-19T10:59:00.000-08:00

I had almost a month where I had a lot going on and was unmotivated.
Today I woke up happy.
I wrote about being happy on January 24th and I feel that happy again.
It feels good.
God is good.

Who is that lady?

2010-02-18T03:35:00.001-08:00

Last night I went to a spinning class at the YMCA.
I ended up spinning for 90 minutes, burned 1013 calories.
I had on my biking shorts, a hoodie sweatshirt, and a visor.
I was chugging along and looked up and looked in the mirror.
I didn't even recognize myself. I seriously had to do a double take.
It made me smile so big. The instructor probably thought I was nuts.
It's moments like these that I remember why I am doing this.
It's moments like these that I am so proud of myself.
Lately I have had no motivation, but last night I had a moment, which
is starting to bring that motivation back.

Monday I went to masters swim. I swam 2600 yards.
Yesterday I went to counseling, it was hard, but I'm getting better mentally too.
I am a new person and I love it.
We all have ups and downs in our journeys. Losing motivation is bound to happen at one point or another.
It's what we do during that time.
Last week I gained weight. This week, I"m not sure what is going to happen weight wise, but that's ok because I
feel like yesterday in spinning I turned the corner I needed to in the motivation department.
I woke up this morning with a new spark. It feels good.

Here's a picture I looked at last night that really helped me too:

A woman's first week at the gym! :-)

2010-02-17T04:11:00.000-08:00

Dear Diary,
For my birthday this year, I purchased a week of personal training at the local health club.
Although I am still in great shape since being a high school football cheerleader 43 years ago, I decided it would be a good idea to go ahead and give it a try.
I called the club and made my reservations with a personal trainer named Christo, who identified himself as a 26-year-old aerobics instructor and model for athletic clothing and swim wear.
Friends seemed pleased with my enthusiasm to get started! The club encouraged me to keep a diary to chart my progress.
________________________________
MONDAY:
Started my day at 6:00 a.m. Tough to get out of bed, but found it was well worth it when I arrived at the health club to find Christo waiting for me. He is something of a Greek god-- with blond hair, dancing eyes, and a dazzling white smile. Woo Hoo!!
Christo gave me a tour and showed me the machines.. I enjoyed watching the skillful way in which he conducted his aerobics class after my workout today. Very inspiring!
Christo was encouraging as I did my sit-ups, although my gut was already aching from holding it in the whole time he was around. This is going to be a FANTASTIC week!!
________________________________
TUESDAY:
I drank a whole pot of coffee, but I finally made it out the door. Christo made me lie on my back and push a heavy iron bar into the air then he put weights on it! My legs were a little wobbly on the treadmill, but I made the full mile. His rewarding smile made it all worthwhile. I feel GREAT! It's a whole new life for me.
_______________________________
WEDNESDAY:
The only way I can brush my teeth is by laying the toothbrush on the counter and moving my mouth back and forth over it. I believe I have a hernia in both pectorals. Driving was OK as long as I didn't try to steer or stop. I parked on top of a GEO in the club parking lot.
Christo was impatient with me, insisting that my screams bothered other club members.. His voice is a little too perky for that early in the morning and when he scolds, he gets this nasally whine that is VERY annoying.
My chest hurt when I got on the treadmill, so Christo put me on the stair monster. Why the world would anyone invent a machine to simulate an activity rendered obsolete by elevators? Christo told me it would help me get in shape and enjoy life. He said some other crap too.
_______________________________
THURSDAY:
Butthole was waiting for me with his vampire-like teeth exposed as his thin, cruel lips were pulled back in a full snarl. I couldn't help being a half an hour late-- it took me that long to tie my shoes.
He took me to work out with dumbbells. When he was not looking, I ran and hid in the restroom. He sent some skinny witch to find me.
Then, as punishment, he put me on the rowing machine-- which I sank.
_________________________________
FRIDAY:
I hate that demon Christo more than any human being has ever hated any other human being in the history of the world. Stupid, skinny, anemic, anorexic, little aerobic instructor. If there was a part of my body I could move without unbearable pain, I would beat him with it.
Christo wanted me to work on my triceps I don't have any triceps! And if you don't want dents in the floor, don't hand me the darn barbells or anything that weighs more than a sandwich.
The treadmill flung me off and I landed on a health and nutrition teacher. Why couldn't it have been someone softer, like the drama coach or the choir director?
________________________________
SATURDAY:
Satan left a message on my answering machine in his grating, shrilly voice wondering why I did not show up today. Just hearing his voice made me want to smash the machine with my planner; however, I lacked the strength to even use the TV remote and ended up catching eleven straight hours of the Weather Channel..
________________________________
SUNDAY:
I'm having the Church van pick me up for services today so I can go and thank GOD that this week is over. I will also pray that next year my husband will choose a gift for me that is fun-- like a root canal or a hysterectomy. I still say if God had wanted me to bend over, he would have sprinkled the floor with diamonds!!!

I'm frustrated

2010-02-16T07:50:00.000-08:00

I'm very frustrated at myself for this past week.
I have not mentally been on my game.
I have lost my motivation.
I have not done what I've needed to do to get past this.
I took the weekend off WW.
I swam yesterday, but eating was off, but not horrible, but still off.
Yesterday, I went to the thrift store because I need new pants.
I had to buy a new size because of my losing weight. I bought 5 new pairs.
I felt so happy.
Even though I have had a rough week, I was still able to go through a big part of the rack saying, "Nope, too big. Nope, WAY TOO big. Nope NEVER AGAIN!!"
These were all sizes that I had been in at one time and another and even with a bad week, I am no where close to those sizes.
It is just what I needed because I really have lost focus and motivation.
I'm not where I was, but I am getting my focus and motivation back.
Heading to the gym now for a swim and run and looking forward to it.
I am once again excited about my events I am running this summer and if I don't get the motivation back or get back on track there will be no events to run this summer because I will not run them unhealthy or undertrained.

MELISSA SNAP OUT OF IT!! YOU CAN DO THIS. YOU'VE DONE IT BEFORE. YOU WILL DO IT!!

Signed up for some stuff

2010-02-09T04:52:00.001-08:00

So it's that time of year again, time to sign up for runs, bike rides, and triathlons and since it's that time of year, I signed up for some stuff.

First one up is the Shamrock Shuffle. March 21st, 2010 I will be running an 8k. I'm excited and nervous all at once. This will be the first time that I am doing more than a 5k. An 8k is 4.97 miles. I know that I will be able to do it, but it's just a little nerve racking until I toe the line and do it.

Next up is a 10k in April. A 10k is a 6 mile race. Again this will be my first time running this distance. It is in LIbertyville, Illinois, which is right in my backyard.

On May 30th 2010 I will be doing BIKE THE DRIVE in Chicago. This is where they close down famous Lake Shore Drive for the morning and open it to bikers. If you do the whole loop it is a 30 mile ride. I look forward to it every year.

As I mentioned in a previous post June 13, 2010 I will be doing Woman's Triathlon Series in Naperville. This is a sprint triathlon that I do every year because this is where my whole journey started with triathlons. I will be doing this race with Darlene.

Again, as I mentioned before I will be doing my first Olympic Distance Triathlon (approx. 1 mile swim, 30 mile bike, and a 10krun) EVER on July 11, 2010 in Lake Zurich, Illinois. Again, I will be doing this race with Darlene. Darlene is the one, back in 2005, that brought up the idea of us doing a sprint triathlon in 2006. I thought she was nuts (still do!), but we did the one in Naperville and the rest is history. I love that we are upping our distance together and I love that we will do our first 1/2 Ironman together in 2011. Dar, thanks for introducing me to the greatest sport ever. I have met so many people that I love in the Triathlon world, but no one tops our 25 year friendship. Thanks for everything.

I'm very excited about this schedule and cannot wait to get going.

Weight Loss Goals:
*Get under 200 pounds by the end of March
*Weigh 175 or less by my first triathlon on June 13th, 2010.
*Once there I will set new weight loss goals.

Thoughts on this past week

2010-02-07T14:23:00.000-08:00

I wrote this blog post yesterday, Saturday, February 6, 2010.

Here I am in Starbucks atain one week since I wrote my letter to my Zoe girl, almost 1 week since her funeral. I promised Zoe I wouldn't waste another day. I ahve started to keep my promise.

This week I started watching less TV and am spending a lot less time on the Internet. I've thought about a lot this week. I've taken some huge steps in the right direction, but still have a long way to go.

This week was a bit bizarre. I really just went through the motions of life. My heart was not in this week. It was a MAJOR off week. I just cannot put my finger on it, but the good news is is I persevered and finished my week as strong as I could.

I headed to Weight Watchers knowing that I had lost weight and looked forward to finding out how much I had lost. I lost 4 pounds. I am very happy about that loss because it really taught me a lot about myself.

I was having, for lack of a better word, a bad week. My workouts could have been better, my eating a little better, but I did it. I persevered and I lost 4 pounds. This made me realize that this healthy lifestyle is just that, my lifestyle.

In the past if I would have had a bad week I would have closed down, not tried, and had a 5 pound gain if not more.

Even with the 4 pounds loss ther were some things I did this week that I was not happy about. I have already done some self-reflection and am ready for my new week. I love that I am losing weight. I love that my workouts are on fire, but what i love the most is that i see positive changes mentally everyday.

The title of my blog is, "Journey to Ironman Wisconsin 2012." When I am ready to toed the line at IMWI '12 I will be both mentally and physically ready because of weeks like this.
-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

ON A SIDE NOTE:

I had my second meeting with my new counselor, James. We are staring to really explore some issues that I have had that led to my being overweight. I have kept things in so long, not talked about them, and now after shedding 82 pounds, I'm finally ready to talk and free myself.

If you are on a journey to
lose weight and better yourself this year please do not forget to mentally take care of yourself. Whether your battling your weight, smoking, or something else, please figure out the WHYS of what you are struggling with.

I am convinced that's why I am having success. I've done weight loss before, but never had the success I'm having now. I"ve also noticed a HUGE change in my mind set too. Before I used to think about, "If and when I gain the weight back," now I know, "I will NEVER gain the weight back." That is a great feeling to have.

-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------
WW UPDATE FOR THIS WEEK:

Lost: 4 pounds
Total lost: 82.6
Current Weight: 223.6

A Letter To Zoe

2010-01-30T13:37:00.000-08:00

While on my weight loss journey I have been working on a lot mentally. I have had a lot of questions in the last year about my faith in God. I have had my ups and my downs in life. I have been trying to get this all straightened out so that I can never emotionally eat again. On January 27, 2010 I met with a new counselor to continue the mental journey I am on. We had a great session. On January 27th, 2010 a little 22 month old sweetheart named Zoe was drawing her last breath. She had Trisomy 18. I have run races in her honor. When I read on Thursday that she had passed away, my heart was crushed. I have had two days to do a lot of self reflection. I wrote Zoe a letter. Read on and see what I have learned about myself from this little one's life. Zoe, you have changed my life FOREVER. I will never forget you and never forget how God has used you in my life. I will never waste another day.

Dear Zoe Girl,

Hi Sweetie! We have never met in person, but I feel like I know you because of reading your Daddy's blog and facebook page. I loved reading about you and all of your adventures. you would always bring a smile to my face and there were days that I needed that. I am sad that I will never meet you here on earth. VERY SAD. Your Daddy and I were just talking about when I could make it to Wisconsin to meet you all in person and hang out. I look forward to meeting you in Heaven someday. I cannot wait to see you running towards me calling out my name. I think your brother, Ethan, said it best when he said you were eating cereal for breakfast, running, and doing handstands. I love picturing you doing those things.

Zoe, Have you met my mom yet? I'm sure you have. Her name is Patti, but kids call her Miss Patti. She loved kids while she was on earth and I know she's lovin' on kids in Heaven too. I'm sure she's met you and is lovin' on you Zoe girl. I like picturing her taking care of all the little children that are waiting for their reunions with their Mommys and Daddys. Don't worry she will love on you until you are reunited with your Mommy, Daddy, Brothers, and Sisters.

Sweet Zoe girl, I have a little confession to make. I've been pretty selfish lately. I've been having a pity party. I've been feeling sorry for all these things that have happened in my life. I have been very angry, very angry at God. Instead of living each day to its fullest, like you, I've been just skimming by, going through the motions. Telling myself that I could just do what I wanted, that God was just going to let me down again anyway. I would read about His miracles and get mad, really mad. I wanted to know why he chose not to save my baby sister, my mom, or kids with Trisomy like you. I started distancing myself from others, and from Team Trisomy. If I distanced myself I couldn't be hurt of let down.

In some of my darkest hours I talked to your Daddy. He told me no matter what Jesus loves me and has never let me go. He told me to just talk to God and tell Him about how I was feeling and He would meet me where I was. I started to a little here and there, started back to church. It was slow, but it was a start. I was still fighting it, still angry, and God and Satan were in an all our tug of war for my life. I knew I needed help so I called up my church and asked ot see a counselor. Guess when my first session was? January 27th 2010, the day you passed away. While you were fighting for your life, I was starting to fight for mine in a different sense.

i have had a lot happen in my life sine I was 7 years old, but my counselor was showing me the fact that God was there for me. One thing that he said to me that has changed my thinking is this, "Melissa you are not God. When tough things come your way just say, 'I am not God. I don't understand this, but He does and He's in control. Only He needs to know the Whys. I will trust HIm.' "My counselor reminded me How much Jesus loves me and that He is grieved by what's happened to me. It was the first time in years that I felt it.

Then the next morning I read that you went home to be with Jesus. I wept. I wept because I will miss you. I wept for your Mom and Dad. I wept for your brothers and sisters, but you know why I wept the most. Because I have wasted so much time in my 36 years of life. I have felt sorry for myself, I turned my back, and gave up. You never did that. Zoe, in your life and death you have taught me so much and your life was not in vain. you lived every day to the fullest. You never gave up. you were a fighter. I have just gone through this life going through the motions. When I heard you died I told God, "God, Thanks goodness Im not you and I don't have to understand why Zoe girl had to have Trisomy and why she couldn't have lived longer. Thank you for loving us and for being in control. We may not understand, but we trust you. Please tell Zoe I miss her, but I will never waste another day."

Zoe girl, today I am making a pledge to you and God. I am going to live each day to the fullest. I am going to give everything to God even if I don't like it or understand the whys. I am going to concentrate on how much He loves me and remember that no matter what He will never let go of me. I have been away from God for years and because of you, Zoe Girl, I am back and I have learned so much about God and His love for us. Because of you I no longer have my back turned on Him. The night you were drawing your last breath, I was drawing my first. Thank you so much, Zoe, for everything I am forever changed because of you. Greg, Jen, and kids, thanks for sharing Zoe with us. I am forever grateful.

Much love, Melissa Black-PROUD MEMBER OF TEAM TRISOMY. My next race is for you ZOE GIRL. HUGS and KISSES.

I AM HAPPY!!

2010-01-24T02:34:00.000-08:00

I found these life instructions while googling images for the word HAPPY and realized this is soooo me. I have fun, I don't hurt, people, I no longer accept defeat, and not only am I striving to be happy I am genuinely happy.

Recently on facebook my status just read I AM HAPPY!! People were asking me what happened to make me so happy and you know what, nothing had happened. I woke up happy that day, I had a great day, and I went to bed happy. It is so hard to explain, but I am just geniunely happy now and there isn't much that can change that. As you read in my last post I had a lot happen to me on Thursday. Yes, I was frustrated for a few minutes, but you know what? I was able to turn it around in just a few minutes of reflecting on my life and my blessings and those things didn't even bother me anymore. I was happy.

My status on facebook last night read HAD A GREAT DAY. I LOVE MY HUSBAND AND MY KIDS. LIFE IS GOOD. I got an instant message that read, "So we were wondering what is behind your status? What made your day so great?" You know what, there was nothing that special about my day yesterday, but I got to go see Parker and his theater group sing a song from their show, I got to talk to him on the car ride home, I got to eat dinner (which my hubby cooked) with my whole family and sit there and laugh and tell stories. I got to look at my kids and husband all laying in bed together watching a movie and my MAC was all fixed without crashing and losing pictures of my family and friends. I was just genuinely happy and actually think I went to bed with a smile on my face, literally.

I have even noticed lately that I walk differently. I do not walk all hunched over. I walk tall, I smile at everyone I come in contact with, and I even have a bounce in my step. I never have had a bounce in my step. It's really AWESOME!!

I have a friend that had this happen to him. He would try and explain to me how happy and content he was. I really wanted that happiness and contentment in my life. He would always tell me that there was really no way to explain it, but he knew I would get there someday. I"m there and now I understand what he meant because there is really no way for me to explain it, but I wanted to try.

It feels so good to be at this place in my life. I am so happy. Does that mean I won't have those days where life is hard? Days where I will get mad at the kids or Keith? Sad or frustrated when things happen? Of course I will have those days, but those will just be a bump in my journey and I will get myself right back on the road and remember these days where I have felt so happy I could just burst at the seams.

Like I put in my status LIFE IS GOOD and I cannot wait to see what God has in store for me. I pray that you may find the same happiness in your own life and when you do it will be hard to explain to others. Have a HAPPY day and Be GREAT today. This is your day.

I want to thank my friend, Benny, for always sharing his story with me. He has been my friend for years now and has always known that this day would come for me. Thanks Benny. You were right, it is hard to explain, but it is fun to try. Have a great day Benny!!

One of those days. . . .

2010-01-23T03:43:00.001-08:00

Yesterday was one of those days.

I was a good mom and told my kids in the morning, "Guys,be very careful walking to the car. There is some ice at the end of the driveway, I don't want you to slip and fall." Did I listen to my own advice? NOOooo! I slipped on the ice, but didn't fall. However, it did jarr my whole body. I still went to the gym and swam a mile, but then realized after my swim that I was in pretty bad shape, so went to the chiropractor. Woke up this morning still in a lot of pain.

I have a MAC laptop. It fell last week and started making a little bit of a weird noise. I knew I had to take it in, but hadn't had the time, was going to this weekend. Guess what? It crashed last night. I haven't backed it up in awhile, so we will see what can be saved.

I stepped on the scale yesterday and it shows that I gained weight this week. I do not really know how I gained weight, but that is what it is saying.

Last night when my computer crashed I cried. It was the straw that broke the camel's back so to speak. I cried cause of possibly losing pictures, I cried because I was in pain, I cried because sometimes I get tired of all the hard work that I'm putting in to only see a gain on the scale. Then I SUCKED IT UP BUTTERCUP and realized some things.

I realized that I am so blessed to live in a wonderful house in a wonderful community. I am very happy to have a sidewalk that leads to a driveway with a new car in it. Ok, so I slipped and hurt myself. I could feel sorry for myself or I could think about the fact that I am so blessed that my husband has a job with good health insurance and because of that I was able to go to the chiropractor to get my back and neck worked on.

I am also blessed to be able to head to a gym to workout. I realize that not everyone has that opportunity and I do. My gym has all up to date equipment and a wonderful staff. There have been days this week where I thought the pool was cold, or a machine didn't work right, or a class schedule had been changed. These were all frustrating things to happen to me, but then I realized I shouldn't complain because I am so happy to have a great facility to work out in. This is a blessing to me and one that I am forever grateful for.

Another blessing that I am able to have is a coach. This is something again, that not everyone has, but I do. I talked to my coach twice yesterday. He really takes his time explaining things to me. He checked on me after I told him about my slipping on the ice because he was concerned. Again, this is not something that I take for granted. I appreciate all he does for me and again realize that not everyone has the money to hire a coach.

I have been frustated this week about Weight Watchers. The scale says that I have a gain. I know I have lost 75 pounds and that there are going to be weeks I gain weight. That is just life, it happens, but I tend to get frustrated about it. I was frustrated about it yesterday and then got to thinking about how fortuanate I am to be able to afford Weight Watchers. I am able to go every week. Because of going I have lost 75 pounds in the last 14 months. I have a great support system there, I have great friends, and the most wonderful leader. Where would I be without Weight Watchers? I would still be over 300 pounds and unhappy. So, how will I feel if I have a gain at the scale. I will feel blessed not to be that over 300 pound unhappy woman and will make the adjustments I need to make this week to have a better week.

I have a laptop that crashed last night. The main thing that I cried about was possibly losing some pictures. What I then realized is that I am very blessed to be able to do the activities and vacations and birthday celebrations that my family are able to do. I am blessed to have a digital camera and a computer to load them onto. I realize that these things are a blessing and not everyone is able to have the family vacations, events, or even birthday celebrations that we are able to have. Even if I end up losing pictures, I have the memories of those celebrations and am very thankful for those memories.

Yes, I had one of those days and I would be lying if I said that I was not bummed, frustrated, or even sad, but I have so much more to be thankful for. My blessings and thankfulness outweighs the bad, the frustration, and the sadness. After yesterday, I could say that my glass is half empty or even completely empty for that matter, but you know what? When I think about it, I realize that my glass is half full, no wait a minute, it's full, no come to think about it, my glass is overflowing and it took a hard day yesterday for me to realize it.

Think about your glass. Is it empty, half empty, half full, full, or overflowing? It all depends on how you look at it. Change your outlook and your glass will overflow.

Archery and Goals

2010-01-21T03:33:00.000-08:00

I find myself awake this morning, not able to sleep, so I am thinking about things. I am thinking about my goals that I am trying to obtain in my life, I am thinking about my training, my diet, my life. Nothing like a little deep thinking to start my day. :)

I have been wanting to write about my goals and such for awhile now, being that it is January and most people write about that. At the end of 2009 I was actually very disappointed in not reaching a certain goal that I had in mind. It actually was eating away at me. I was ticked. I was focusing on not hitting a goal instead of what I had accomplished. My coach, Bob Mitera, had a talk with me and gave me a new way to look at my targets and my goals. I have started to use the analogy of an archer to picture what he was telling me.

We all need targets in our lives. Those BIG accomplishments that we want to hit. Those accomplishments are our targets. I would like to lose 153 pounds, and do my first Olympic Distance triathlon this summer. As an archer I have set those up as my two current targets for 2010. Now, I have to ask myself, "Self, what are you going to do to hit your targets?" My arrows are my small goals that I have set to hit my BIG targets. For my Weight loss Target I have committed to never missing a Weight Watcher meeting, tracking everything that goes into my mouth, and eating 5-6 servings of fruit and veggies everyday. If I hit all of those goals I will hit my target. For my triathlon target I have committed to working with my coach, trusting what he tells me, and doing my best to hit every single workout, logging my workouts, and working with Heart Rate Monitor in my training.

I used to do archery as a kid both with the family and at summer camp. There was never a time when I hit the bulls-eye every time on the target. NEVER. I would try. Some arrows would completely miss the target, some would hit on the edge, and some would hit the bulls-eye. It was exciting when it would hit the bulls-eye, but that was not always the case. When I would not hit the target I would have to collect my arrows, readjust my aim and take shot again at the target. Do you see where this is going?

I have goals for 2010 and beyond. I have set up my targets, I have chosen my arrows, i am taking aim, and shooting them at my targets. Will I reach 153 pounds lost total by the end of 2010? I don't know, but that is my target, but you know what? Life happens. I cannot control every aspect of my journey. If I don't hit my target, guess what? I will not be upset. I will readjust my arrows, I will take aim, and shoot again just like an archer does.

I didn't understand totally the first time Coach Bob explained it to me, but once I had archery as my visual and could see it like that, it finally clicked. Bob wrote about this on his blog at Kokua Mulitpsports. Check it out. Thanks again Bob for helping me understand this concept. It has really helped me readjust my thinking on my goals and I know that at the end of 2010 regardless of whether or not I hit my targets, I will be able to look back at my goals and know that I did everything that I could control to hit those targets.

That is just one thing I was thinking about this morning as I couldn't sleep and wanted to get my thoughts down about it. Let me know if there is anyway I can help you hit your targets this year. If you are trying to lose weight, do a race, quit smoking, organize your house, gain weight, spend more time with your family, whatever it may be, you can set those targets up and start aiming your arrows. and shooting them. Who knows maybe by the end of 2010 you will have hit your bulls-eye.

Email from a Pro Triathlete

2010-01-19T19:17:00.000-08:00

Today I got a message on my cell phone that I had a message from Chrissie Wellington in my facebook mailbox. She is one of my favorite pro triathletes. She won the 2009 Ironman World Championship in Kona. I had sent her a friend request on facebook with an email. I told her how she inspires me and that I love how she smiles during her triathlons and took a minute to tell her about my journey. Here's the response I got form her today:

Chrissie Wellington January 19 at 2:46pm Report
thanks so much for your email melissa, it made me smile - i am so inspired by your story. a huge congrats for losing the weight, and for aiming high - IMWI..you can do it!
good luck with everything you do, in sport and outside
with smiles
Chrissie

This really made my day and really encouraged me in my journey. Whatever you want to do, dream big, and you can do it!! I"m living proof of that.

Have a great day and remember to be great today!!

Email from a facebook friend

2010-01-15T11:20:00.000-08:00

I have been getting emails on a regular basis now asking for my advice and encouragement. I decided to start posting the emails from those people and posting my responses here. Here is the first email asking some questions:

Hi Melissa - Just wanted you to know what an inspiration you are. I have recently lost 25 lbs. and want to lose more, but sometimes lack the motivation/time factor because of working full time and kids/family. You keep me going by your posts. Just thought I would share... Do you eat specific foods in addition to excerising? How often do you workout? Just thought I would pick your brain because sometimes my weight stays the same...

Thanks again,
K

Hi K,

Thank you so much for sending me this email. I am so glad that my posts are keeping you going on your journey and just let me say that I am so proud of you for losing 25 pounds. Keep up the great work. I know how hard it is to even lose 5 pounds, so losing 25 is very impressive. I also know how hard it is to keep the motivation going along the way. The way that I stay motivated is to picture myself at my final goal and what I want to be doing. I ask myself, "Is this food or tv show going to help me reach my goals?" Most of the time the answer is no, so I don't even go there because reaching my goal is more important to me then eating the junk or sitting around watching TV and not being active.

I also had a mom that died, obese, at the young age of 53. She ended up getting colon cancer. She was overweight and was in pain for years and it was overlooked because of weight. By the time she was diagnosed it was too late, her cancer had spread to her liver and lymphnods. We lost her 7 months later. This is something that has motivated me greatly. I do not want to die young and leave my husband and kids early like she did. I want to live a long, happy, life and live to see my grandkids. I am well on my way to doing that.

What is the reason you want to lose weight? What has been your motivation in the past? Think of those reasons and your motivation and post it somewhere. I have before pictures on my fridge. I have pictures taped on my bathroom mirror of triathlon pictures, I have quotes written down everywhere. I constantly have visual reminders for me to read or look at to stay motivated.

I am very blessed at the moment not to be working, so as far as working out I work out quite a bit and even sometimes twice a day. I am working out as much as I can before getting a job because I know it will be harder to do once I work. I do realize this is a blessing, but at the same time there are times I have to schedule my workouts just like everyone else. I am in bed every night between 9-930pm and twice a week I am up by 4am to be at the gym by 5am to swim and be home before my kids are awake. I will do this everyday once I work to get my workouts in before heading to work. I also am a member of the YMCA and work out at 5 different Y's depending on what activitivies my kids are involved with. If Parker is at theater I go to one Y, if I am buy Tricia's school I go to the Y by her school, if they are at a church event I am at the Y by church. I am not a mom that sits on the sideline while they are at an event. If they are at swim lessons, I"m in the pool swimming laps. I do not know how old your kids are, but most YMCA's and a lot of gyms have child care options I have also heard from a lot of mom's that have young kids that there are great WORKOUTS on comcast I believe and I know my library has a bunch of workout DVD's you can check out. There always a way to workout. If you have specific scenarios feel free to let me know and I will help you schedule into your week. YOU CAN DO THIS.

You asked what do I eat? I have actively been on Weight Watchers since November 2008. I have lost 75 pounds since then. I make it a point to eat at least 4-5 servings of fruits and veggies a day if not more. I only drink water. If I need to have something else I will drink tea. I have not had soda in almost 2 years. I have pretty much given up artificial sweeteners and high fructose corn syrup. I'm not saying I don't have my days where I slip up, but I eat pretty clean now. I know what my trigger foods are and for the most part stay away from them. The key to my good eating is that I now journal EVERYTHING that goes into my mouth. That makes a huge difference. I would encourage you to do this if you do not already.

As far as your weight staying the same, make sure you are switching up your workouts and trying new foods. Your body can get used to what you are doing. If you are always doing the same workout switch it up. If you are always eating chicken and salad, try new foods. You need to surprise your body and I believe you will see your weight go down again.

I hope that this has helped you. If you have any other questions just let me know and I will be happy to get back to you.

Be great,
Melissa

Are you starting your new year resolutions?

2010-01-10T04:30:00.000-08:00

I was at the gym today and sitting down to change my shoes.
There was a guy next to me resting and he says to me,
"So you starting your new year resolutions too?"
I told him,
" I started my new year resolutions in November (dramatic pause) of 2008."
He looked puzzled and then smiled.
I then took the opportunity to share with him that this past week I lost 3.4 pounds
and have lost 75 total.

I had Weight Watchers yesterday and hit my goal of 75 pounds lost. I'm so excited. I cried like a baby I was so happy. This is a HUGE milestone and I am thrilled that I made it. Next up 100 lost. I should reach this goal on or before March 27th. Thanks EVERYONE for your constant encouragement and love during my journey. I say it all the time, but I could not do this without you.

MY 2010 A RACE

2010-01-06T06:57:00.000-08:00

I just signed up for my first Olympic Triathlon EVAH!!
I will be in the Athena division in the Lake Zurich Triathlon on July 11, 2010.
If you are in the area, come race with me, come volunteer, or come cheer me on.
I'm nervous, but excited about this race. Bring it on!!
This is THEE race of the year for me. This is the reason I will be training. This is my A race.
All the rest of the events that I do, from here on out, will be events to CELEBRATE MY FITNESS.
I'm very excited. I"ve paid my money. It's on the calendar.
By the end of this summer I will be able to say, "Melissa, You are an Olympic Distance Triathlete!!" Eeep!!

My bet with Andy Update

2010-01-05T09:11:00.000-08:00

So my bet with Andy was just kicked up a notch this morning when I logged onto Facebook to see my dear friend Andy trash talking me. He has lost 9 pounds in 2 weeks. Not bad. I'll give him his props. I've lost 2. Now when I got started on my journey 72 pounds ago I, too, had big weight loss at the beginning, so as proud of Andy as I am, I'm sure he's just dropped some water weight. I can trash talk as good as they come, so game on Andy. Here is a little something I made to put on my fridge and to look at while working out. You are so going down Andy, my friend. You know I love you, but the stakes are high and so is my pride. :-)

Cool.

2009-12-29T19:10:00.000-08:00

Recently in a spinning class I reached down to adjust my shoe and I saw it. I had a calf muscle. I had a hard calf muscle. I checked out my other calf and guess what? I had a muscle there too.

Recently I rubbed my side and felt something weird. It was my rib cage.

Recently while laying on my side with my knees together I reached down to itch the side of my knee and realized there was a bone there that I never felt.

Cool!!

From Sloth to Cheetah

2009-12-29T12:46:00.000-08:00

My family took a trip to Costa Rica a few years back and we stayed at a remote resort there. It took us 2 hours by boat to get to it. It was incredible. We saw so much wild life. I will never forget it. Everyday we took river cruises to look for wildlife and to take tours of nearby towns. Every day when we would get in the boat and we would start our journey. We would see a sloth up in a tree. We were there for four days and every day we would see that same sloth in our comings and goings. He would just be up in the tree in the same spot eating. That sloth maybe moved a total of 6 inches. Six inches in 4 days. We looked forward to our journey every day to see if that sloth had moved. On our last day we were sad to leave because we would no longer be able to check up on our slothy friend.

This morning I was talking to a friend of mine and talking about my journey and I said to him, "I'm just glad to be going from sloth to cheetah" After we were done talking I realized my life was much like that sloth in Costa Rica. There were days on end where I would only move from my room, to the kitchen, back to my room to watch TV. I would get my kids on the bus, and spend my days just eating and staying in one place. Not moving very much. Very much being a sloth. I would get the kids on the bus, eat, sleep, watch TV, eat, sleep, until the kids were off the bus.

These days my life if much different. I'm up two days a week at 430 am, so I can swim and be home before my kids wake up. I get Parker on the bus and am excited to get back to the gym to hit a spinning class, the elliptical, or to lift some weights. I'm moving faster than I ever have before and am on the hunt for a new adventure everyday. I may not be quite Cheetah status yet, but I am closer everyday and will choose being a Cheetah any day over being a sloth and am happy to report that my slothing days are over.

January 1st 5K

2009-12-27T05:24:00.000-08:00

I am doing a 5k on January 1st to kick off my New Year the right way. I have two friends doing it with me and my brother. I was thinking it would be neat to get as many people to do a 5k on January 1st nationwide. It starts at 11am central time. Wherever you are run a 5k at that time and it will be like we are all running it together. Send me a note if you are in and let's see how many people we can get to do it. Come on you know you wanna run with me.

If you are in Chicago the info is below come on out. It's gonna be a blast.

25th Annual New Year's Day 5K Run/Walk
Date: January 1, 2010
Time: 11 a.m. start
Location: Lincoln Park (Stockton Drive & LaSalle) | Chicago
Beneficiary: Lakeview Citizens Council

Kick off 2010 on the healthy footing at the New Year's Day 5K Run & Walk--Chicago's first official 5K running event of 2010! This iconic annual run/walk -- now celebrating its 24th year -- is a fave with Windy City sports enthusiasts!

An estimated 1,500 runners and walkers are expected to lace up on the first day of the New Year at the run & walk that starts at the south end of Lincoln Park. The course route winds north along the lakefront bike path to Diversey Harbor before returning to the North Avenue Field House.

My Bet with Andy

2009-12-23T03:06:00.001-08:00

This is my friend Andy. I went out to Arizona in November to cheer him on in the Ironman and to finally meet him and some of my other blogger friends in person. It was a great trip and a great time. Andy and I just met within the last year and he and his family are great and I look forward to getting to know them even better.

Andy and I are both working on becoming more healthy. We were talking and decided that we both wanted to lose around 30 pounds, so we decided to make it a little bit more fun by making it a bet.

So we are aiming to lose about 35 pounds by the end of March. March 27th to be exact. If Andy wins, which those of you that know me, know he won't, I have to wear a big L on my forehead all day and explain to people why I am a loser.

If I win, which you all know I will, Andy has to wear a pink shirt that says, "I lost a bet to a girl." It will also say something else that I just haven't figured out yet.

The goal for both of us is to hit under 200 pounds by the end of it all. No matter who wins, but we know it will be me, it will be worth wearing a big L on my head or Andy wearing pink because we will be healither.

Andy, I am so glad we met and cannot wait to hang out again sometime both being smaller and healthier. Here's to our little bet. May the best person win, which we know is me. :-P

Here's some haikus for you. A haiku is a poem where there are 5 syllables in the first line, 7 in the second, and 5 in the last. They do not have to rhyme.

Hey Andy, Game's on.
We are going to lose weight
and you will wear pink!!!

Your family is great
You're pretty okay yourself
I am glad we met!!

Racing with you will
be fun in 2012
I can hardly wait!!